Different Horizons
by jamiepage19
Summary: Two years wasn't the only thing she lost. When Shepard sees Kaidan on Horizon, she wasn't expecting him to be so cold. Reeling from his harsh words but determined to move on, she is unaware that an old friend longs to fill the hole left in her heart.
1. Reality with a Side of Life

**A/N:** I have decided, just for fun, to write a Mass Effect fanfic. (Well duh, I guess you already know that...you are reading it after all).

Anyway, a couple of things before I start:

For the purpose of this story, Shepard has not yet gone to the Citadel.

While accuracy is always my goal, there are some times that I will take liberties and bend the story so that it fits with my own structure. I've kept the gist of the conversations in this chapter the same, but I've changed the context.

Lastly, I do not own Mass Effect or Mass Effect 2, or any of the characters within.

Please tell me what you think! Thanks ~J

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Shepard swallowed the golf ball sized lump that had risen to her throat. The Normandy was fast approaching the colony of Horizon, where she was told the Collector's were in the process of abducting the human colonists. It wasn't the thought of facing such terrible beings that made her apprehensive; she had seen her share of horrible and frightening things before. After all, she had once been a Spectre and her team had been responsible for bringing down Saren Arterius, who had been under the influence of an even greater threat: a reaper named Sovereign.

No, it was the knowledge that Commander Kaidan Alenko was stationed on Horizon. _Commander!_ For Shepard, it felt like mere months had passed since Sovereign's defeat and the devastating attack on the Normandy. She could still see the panic in Kaidan's eyes as he tried to convince her to board the escape shuttle. If only she could have known what was about to happen in those next few minutes, she might have told him something more meaningful. Instead she'd barked at him to get moving, saying that she'd deal with Joker. Hurt passed briefly over the smooth features under his helmet, but he reluctantly agreed.

Everything after that was a blur. She had barely convinced Joker to abandon the Normandy when the remainder of the hull exploded, hurling her into the space beyond. She knew of nothing else until she woke up under harsh bright lights with strange people hovering over her.

She put a hand to her forehead. She still hadn't gotten over the shock of it all. Two years had passed in the interim…_two years! _To the universe, she was dead. In the meantime, those who survived the destruction of the Normandy moved on and went their separate ways. Tali completed her pilgrimage, Ashley had been posthumously honored for her actions on Virmire, and Garrus had gone back to the citadel to apply for the Spectres.

Even more astonishing was the time, effort, and money that was spent in bringing her back from the dead. Cerberus had obtained her body and rehabilitated her to how she was before the attack, with some minor upgrades. And now she was on a newly rebuilt Normandy, with Joker at the helm, working with Cerberus and its shady leader; a man who was only referred to as the Illusive Man. He alone believed that the reapers posed a real threat and gave Shepard the necessary resources to build a new team to stop them.

Some surprises were more pleasant than others.

Charged with tracking down Archangel as a possible recruit for the team, Shepard, along with Miranda Lawson and Jacob Taylor – the two Cerberus operatives that worked so hard to bring her back to life – wreaked havoc on Omega in an effort to stop the mercenaries that had managed to corner him. A mile wide smile spread across her face when Archangel removed his helmet and revealed his true identity. The opportunity for reminiscing about old times was cut short however, as mercenaries from all three gangs on Omega closed in on them. The fight that ensued was tough, leaving Garrus critically injured. But despite everything, once they got him back to the Normandy he healed quickly and was eager to join Shepard's cause once more.

She even bumped into Tali during a mission to Freedom's Progress and was able to offer her assistance with a young Quarian named Veetor. Understandably, they hadn't had much time to catch up, but it felt good to see her again.

Shepard flexed her fingers. The neoprene and small plates of armor creaked softly as they stretched. The shuttle was getting ready to land. What would she say to him? Would they just pick up where they left off? She glanced briefly up at Garrus and Miranda to see if they noticed anything. Both of them were craning their heads to see out the window, none the wiser to her inner turmoil. And she intended to keep it that way. She would never let her crew see her in a moment of weakness, never again.

The three of them were bounced roughly as the shuttle landed and came to an abrupt stop. Shepard took a deep breath and opened the door. The colony was eerily quiet. It felt almost…abandoned, and she wondered if perhaps the colonists had been able to escape before the Collector's attacked. Still wary, she drew out her pistol and silently motioned to her companions to follow her lead.

Exploring the dwellings revealed more of the same. Remnants of breakfast still sat on the counters and tables, indicating that the colonists were interrupted during their morning routine. Shepard's brows furrowed. What happened?

They stepped back out into the early afternoon sunlight. Despite it being quieter than a grave and completely devoid of any signs of life, Horizon was a pretty place to reside and Shepard understood why someone would want to settle there.

"Shepard, over here."

Garrus's voice brought her out of her thoughts and she turned to see him standing by one of the colonists. He was frozen, his pose suggesting that he'd been running from whatever was pursuing him. All around him he was surrounded by a black could. She quickly looked back to Garrus, questions in her eyes. Of course, he had no answers to give her explaining the bizarre phenomenon. He merely shrugged his shoulders and cocked his head in interest.

"They look…paralyzed," she said slowly.

"Seeker swarms," Miranda said as she came up beside them. "It will be interesting to see Mordin's counter measures in action. We'd better keep moving."

Shepard's frown deepened. "So the Collector's are here." She immediately felt disappointed in not getting there in time to stop them and save the colonists. "But why leave them here like this…in stasis?"

"I believe it makes them easier for the Collector's to cart off," Miranda replied matter-of-factly.

"Are they still alive?"

"For now."

"Ugh." Shepard shook her head. How awful. "Come on; let's find these bastards before they finish the colony."

Something shifted behind them. Shepard whirled around, gun drawn, just in time to see dozens of Collectors and Husks charging at them.

"Spread out!" Shepard ordered.

The team quickly dispersed. Wave after wave, the Collector's were relentless. They fought remarkably well, keeping Shepard and her squad on their toes.

Suddenly one of the Collector's was raised into the air, where it hung suspended for a few seconds before it was encompassed in bright yellow light. It dropped back to the ground and rose to its feet, seemingly more powerful than it was a moment ago.

"What the hell was that?" Garrus yelled over to her.

Before Shepard could offer her speculation the Collector addressed them, in a voice that chilled her to the bone.

"I am Harbinger. You will know pain, Shepard."

"That's just great," she muttered. "Take it down!"

All three of them focused their firepower on it, but to their dismay, once they had managed to take it out, it simply gained control of another nearby Collector. They fought their way into an open area with a massive transmitter in the middle.

"Hold them off! I'm going to see if I can use that thing to radio the Normandy!" Shepard yelled as she ran for the tower.

Garrus lifted his sniper rifle, pegging one Collector in the head. It fell to the ground in front of Shepard. "Go! I'll cover you!"

She nodded a brief 'thank you' and raced up the steps. "This will only take me a minute!" she shouted as she began hacking the terminal.

"Hurry Shepard!" Miranda stepped back, deploying a massive blast of energy that quickly dropped an advancing husk.

"Got it!"

"Shepard," EDI's voice came in. "I can recalibrate the defense systems, but it will take time. You must hold your ground."

She looked up at the giant turrets. If EDI could pull it off, it would be nice to have that weaponry on their side.

"They're falling back," Garrus reported with relief.

He was right. The onslaught that had occurred only moments before had virtually evaporated. Something about the way they retreated didn't sit right in her stomach. As if it could read her thoughts, a mammoth being – what looked like half Collector, half insect, descended from the sky – and Shepard knew then that the Collector's were unleashing their final stand.

The sun glinted of something in the distance. It looked to be a weapon of some sort.

"Almost there Shepard," EDI's disembodied voice announced.

Without thinking, Shepard bounded over the crate in front of her and dashed over to the weapon. She slid behind cover and aimed. A white-hot beam shot into the mysterious being, immediately drawing its attention away from her squad and back on her. With it more or less subdued, Miranda and Garrus emptied their thermal clips into it and the three of them were able to bring it down. Just then the ground began to rumble. Shepard looked up to see the Collector's ship propel itself into the sky.

"No!" came a cry from behind them. "You're letting them get away! They're taking the colonists!"

Shepard felt a pang of guilt. She turned to the man who was trying to catch his breath. "I'm sorry. I didn't want it to end like this." She'd tried so hard to save the colonists. Failure didn't sit well with her. Never had.

"Don't be so hard on yourself Shepard," Garrus said reassuringly. "You did the best you could."

The man reared his head up. "Shepard? I've heard of you. You're that Spectre that-"

"That defeated Saren and saved the citadel from the attack of a Reaper," a smooth voice cut in. A voice Shepard would have known anywhere. Kaidan walked into the clearing. "You're looking at a hero, Delan."

"Just my luck. They take the whole colony and leave _you _behind!" Delan spat.

Kaidan didn't seem to notice Delan's angry rant. His eyes were locked with Shepard's. Her heart skipped a beat. Delan soon grew tired of the display and stormed off angrily. She was glad to see him leave.

Here was the moment she had been both anticipating and dreading. Unsure of what to do, she took a step closer to Kaidan. Without missing a beat, he took her into his arms. She relished the feeling of being in them again. A small smile of contentment crossed her lips and she closed her eyes as she breathed in his scent. Her joy was short lived though, for he pulled away abruptly and folded his arms.

"How have you been?" Crap! Of all the things she could have said, did she really just say that?

Kaidan tilted his head to one side. "I heard rumors that you were working for Cerberus," he said, skipping any civilized preamble. "I can't believe it's true."

Shepard's pride flared to the surface. "I'm not working _for_ them."

"I can't believe you'd just turn your back on everything we did, especially for a company like Cerberus."

"You know I wouldn't do that."

"It's been two years Shepard. I thought you were dead. Why didn't you try to contact me?"

The sting of his words hit deep. She had to keep reminding herself how much time had really passed.

"I was dead Kaidan. Cerberus spent the better part of two years trying to piece me back together. And I only just found out that you were here on Horizon."

"Yeah well, the Alliance thought the colonists could use some help." He flicked his head in the direction that Delan had stomped off. "You can see how well we've been received."

There was a long pause.

"So…Staff Commander Alenko now, is it?"

"Watching the Normandy blow apart, seeing you out there…thinking you were dead, it nearly killed me as well. I loved you!"

_Loved?_

Shepard gulped. Behind her, four feet shifted uncomfortably.

"I've tried to move on. I have moved on," Kaidan continued.

"I need someone like you on my crew." What she really meant to say was she needed him.

"I will never work for Cerberus."

"Damn it Kaidan, don't be so blind," Garrus cut in.

"Cerberus is the only one willing to do anything about the Reapers. Hell, the council is trying to pass off Sovereign as the only one of its kind, and even then they didn't collect enough evidence to back up what we discovered on Ilos. I need all the help I can get! You know I would only do something for the good of the galaxy." Reasoning with him was becoming exhausting. She definitely hadn't planned on him being so cold.

"No. I don't know you anymore Shepard. Maybe I never did. Take care of yourself, but I'm done here."

With that he turned and walked away, leaving her staring at his back. Inside her heart was screaming, begging her to run after him. With a mighty effort she pushed the feeling into the pit of her stomach, letting it instead be consumed by raw anger.

She touched the earpiece that would connect her with the Normandy. "Joker, get us the hell out of here."


	2. Cold on the Outside, Hurt in the Middle

Shepard strode purposefully across the CIC to the elevator. Still fuming from her conversation with Kaidan, all she wanted to do was retreat to her cabin where she could be alone…pissed off and alone.

"I heard you ran into Kaidan Alenko out on Horizon Commander," Kelly chirped in her usual cheerful voice.

Silently Shepard's hands clenched into fists at her sides. Taking a deep breath, she turned around and walked slowly over to her. She could take a few minutes to be cordial. It wouldn't hurt her. She needed to debrief the crew anyway.

"Yes, he was there."

"What was it like seeing him again?" The look on Kelly's face implied that she hadn't heard much gossip in a while and eagerly awaited any juicy tidbits that Shepard had to give her. Maybe it would be good to get it off her chest. She really didn't have that many female companions, and Kelly always seemed to be there to talk to.

"It was…awful," she confided.

Kelly's bright eyes darkened and her face fell. "Why? What happened?"

She looked around the room. The rest of the Normandy crew was going about their business, paying the two of them no mind. She took a deep breath. "It wasn't at all like I imagined it would be. It was like we were never even together. I could have been talking to a stranger."

Kelly made an 'O' with her mouth.

Shepard sucked back the tears that threatened to escape and shrugged her shoulders. She considered it a sign of weakness to cry, especially in front of others. "I should get going."

"I'm sorry Commander," said Kelly, giving her hand a slight squeeze. "Break ups are hard. Let me know if you need anything."

"Thanks Kelly."

She started toward the elevator again, but at the last minute pivoted and walked in the opposite direction to the cockpit. There was no use sulking in her cabin about what happened. It wouldn't do any good…it wouldn't change Kaidan's mind. The best thing she could do now was concentrate on the mission at hand.

"Hey Commander! Man, it was good to see Kaidan – I mean '_Staff Commander Alenko'_ again!" Joker said, hooking his fingers. "How's he doing anyway?"

"Ugh. Not you too."

"Um…things not go so well with you two?"

"No," she replied bitterly. "We're through."

"Okay…" he said, letting out a low whistle. "Oh, you know who's really good at all this touchy-feely crap? Kelly."

"Yeah, thanks."

"Anytime. So what can I really do for you Commander?"

"I think it's time we pay a visit to the Citadel Joker."

"Oh great! I've been dying to see the council again."

She shot him a mock reprimanding look.

"…I mean, you got it Commander."

"Uh huh."

She walked out of the cockpit, an amused smile on her face. She could always count on Joker to lighten the mood.

With the course set for the citadel, she would have a little time before they arrived. She punched the button on the elevator that would take her to the crew quarters on the third level of the Normandy. She rounded the corner and then jogged down to the main battery. Garrus was busily working away and didn't notice her until she was almost upon him.

"Do you have a minute?"

He turned. "Sure. I was just working on some calibrations. What's on your mind?"

"We really haven't had much time to talk since…well since." She was beginning to hate how disconnected to everything she was feeling. "I heard you went to apply for the Spectres."

"It's actually rather disappointing," he said with a slight sneer in his voice. "Are you sure you want to hear it?"

"What happened?" she asked, leaning against the railing.

"I never made it." He slowly started pacing back and forth. "While I was on the citadel word spread that you had been killed. I was so…disillusioned…that I never followed through. It was then that a man from C-Sec approached me and offered me a job. With you gone and the Normandy destroyed…well, I needed to feel like a belonged to something again. So I took it, even though deep down I knew I really didn't want it."

Shepard frowned. She had no idea the impact that her death had on so many lives.

"You can imagine how that went," Garrus continued with a sardonic smile. "Some things never change. I got so bogged down with protocol and procedures that eventually I got fed up with it all and left. You know the rest. At least the citizens on Omega were grateful."

They shared a long silence.

"I'm glad you came by to talk Shepard. It feels like old times."

"It's good to have you here Garrus. I miss the old crew," she said sadly. She stood to go.

"There's nowhere I'd rather be."

She turned slightly and looked back at him. He met her gaze and they stared at each other for a long moment.

"I…should get back to work." He rolled his shoulders and shook out his arms, a move that Shepard remembered he used to do when something made him nervous or uncomfortable.

"I've wasted enough of your time." She started back to the mess area but stopped and angled her head back to him. "Oh, Joker will be bringing us into the Citadel shortly. I could really use an ally when I visit the council. Care to join me?"

He stared at her. "I'd like that."

The shuttle came to a halt outside the Zakera Wards and Shepard slowly climbed out, followed by Garrus and Mordin.

Mordin hadn't been on the team very long, but he was already proving to be an invaluable asset. His work on the counter measure for the seeker swarms was the only thing that kept them from being overwhelmed and hauled off by the Collectors. On the Normandy, his steadfast devotion to his research and droll comments were the highlight of Shepard's day whenever she dropped by to chat with him.

The first thing she noticed upon their arrival was all the added security. Never before had she been made to "check in" before going about business on the Citadel. She walked over to a small kiosk that had been set up and asked about it.

"Security was tightened two years ago after the attack on the Citadel," the harried looking girl behind the counter replied. Her focus quickly dropped back to her terminal.

Shepard waited patiently. Behind her, two turians grumbled, shifting their feet in agitation. One stepped forward and nudged her shoulder in a not-so-friendly attempt to push her along. She threw her head back and glared daggers at him before turning back to the young woman. With the amount of traffic backed up, she could understand why she looked so frazzled.

"Do you need a map of the wards?" asked the woman, her voice slightly strained.

"No, I think we can manage."

"Very good. If you have any other questions please feel free to consult Avina. _Next!_"

Shepard shook her head and stepped aside. A small band of Marines stood off to her right.

"…that makes Sir Isaac Newton the deadliest son of a bitch in…"

"Nice," Garrus quipped as they walked by.

The door slid open into an interior hall, guarded by a turian at the other end. The entourage stepped up to him and the faint buzz of a scanner could be heard as it tried to ascertain their identities. It beeped twice and the guard looked down at his screen, then back up to her with an uneasy expression.

"I'm sorry Commander. It says…uh…well, it says your dead."

"Yeah," she replied, rubbing the back of her neck, "the wonders of modern science and technology eh?"

He let out a nervous laugh. "Right. Sorry for the inconvenience Commander." The door behind him slid open. "Enjoy your time on the Citadel."

The Zakera Wards were like any other part of the Citadel. Merchants were selling their wares in various shops; batarians, krogans, and salarians milled about, enjoying a brief respite on their way to their next destination; and as with many other levels, there was a bar complete with a dance club. It was tame though, in contrast to Omega. Nothing compared to the raucous and exciting danger that could be found in Afterlife.

The motley party shuffled into a souvenir shop. After receiving a discount for an endorsement and a rather lengthy explanation on just why exactly the clerk couldn't help them personally, Shepard stepped over to a terminal and scrolled through the merchandise.

"I think I want a fish," she said thoughtfully after a few minutes of browsing.

Garrus tilted his head in puzzlement. "To eat? I didn't know this place sold food…"

"No," she laughed. "It's just that it gets lonely in my cabin sometimes. It would be nice to have something to keep me comp-" She stopped, her cheeks turning red with embarrassment. Damn! She was doing it again. What was it about Kaidan's rejection that made her so goddamn vulnerable? She straightened. "I just want one, okay? And…and…one of those models!" she said, rapidly tapping the screen. After a long uncomfortable moment she said, "Well, I'm ready to go. Shall we?"

"Hmm, an acute case of hysteria," Mordin whispered to Garrus. He looked at Shepard. "Recommend deep breathing tactics and…no, no…that substance not consumable by humans…"

Garrus chuckled.

"I am not hysterical!"

He leaned into Garrus. "Delusional as well."

"We're done here!" she fumed, narrowing her eyes at them before stomping out of the shop.

After a long and silent walk, they finally reached the presidium on which Captain Anderson's office was located. Actually, it was Councilor Anderson now, since he'd been asked to represent humanity and took a seat on the council. But he'd always be "Captain" to her. The door whooshed open and she could see him standing a few feet away with his back turned. As she drew closer she saw the holographic images of the other council members before him. Their voices floated over to her as she walked in.

"Here is the Commander now," he interrupted. He walked over to her and shook her hand. She could tell immediately from the look on his face that he'd been taking some flack.

"Ah yes…Commander," the salarian councilor began, distaste and annoyance clearly evident in his voice. "We have heard about your…" he paused, "reappearance."

Shepard looked at Anderson. They were distressed because she was…_alive?_

"We called this meeting so you could have a chance to explain your decision," said the asari in a more conciliatory tone.

"My decision?" A small ball of fury ignited in the pit of her stomach. "I sacrificed hundreds of human lives _deciding_ to save you. What the hell do you mean my decision?"

"News of your death was a shock to many," the asari continued with irritating calm. "And then we get word that you are not only alive, but working for Cerberus."

"A sworn enemy of the council!" the turian gruffly cut in. "We could have you arrested right here and now for treason."

Shepard's mouth fell open, but before she could tell the council exactly what she thought of them, Anderson interceded.

"Now wait just a damn minute! I'm on this council too and I won't stand for this a moment longer! Shepard hasn't done anything wrong."

"I tried to warn you about Saren and you ignored me. I told you about Sovereign and you _still_ insist on turning a blind eye. When will you see that the Reapers are a real threat? Cerberus was the only one willing to put forth the effort and the resources to help protect this galaxy and right now I will take any help I can get!"

"We are at a disadvantage Shepard. We owe you for saving our lives, but council law forbids us from getting involved," the asari council explained.

"Perhaps there is a way for all of us involved to be happy." The turian folded his arms thoughtfully. "If you agree to keep your investigation to the Terminus Systems, then we see no reason not to reinstate your Spectre status."

Shepard considered for a minute. "That's fair enough."

"Very well then," the asari said, reaching for the disconnect button. "Keep us informed." The holograms flickered and went off.

"Well, that went better than expected," Anderson said.

Shepard raised an eyebrow skeptically. She wasn't so sure. But then, she was a Spectre again and that gave her unlimited authority to investigate the Collectors and the Reapers. Still, she didn't like having to defend her decision to join Cerberus. When would everyone realize that she was only doing what was best for the galaxy?

Back in the elevator Garrus clasped his hands behind his back and puffed out his chest. "You sure know how to make friends Shepard. They really don't like you."

She flashed him a grin and laughed as the door slid closed. "I know. But they know I'm right and so they know they have to put up with me."

He shook his head in amusement. "I think you enjoy it."

She shrugged her shoulder nonchalantly. Talking with Garrus in the elevator brought back memories of earlier times, and suddenly, her heart felt just a little bit lighter.

Later on that evening, she sat quietly in her cabin slowly pouring over the email on her private terminal with a steaming cup of coffee at her side. In the background, the subtle noise from the filter on the aquarium hummed peacefully. Her new fish swam around, happily exploring their new environment.

She dragged the mouse over the dossiers that contained information on the members of her team that she still needed to recruit; the engineer, the warlord, the assassin, the justicar, the thief. She had also received word that Liara was on Illium. With so much left to do, it was hard not to feel overwhelmed.

Pulling her leg up to her chest she grabbed the cup and swiveled in the chair thoughtfully. Life would continue on inexorably, whether she wanted it to or not. She could embrace it and accept its changes, or drown by it, swept along helplessly out of control.

But first she had to let go. Her eyes leveled on the framed photo of Kaidan that she kept next to her medals. She set down the cup and reached out to pick up the frame, slowly rubbing her fingers over the smooth glass. Tears pricked at her eyes. Alone, far away from the watchful eyes of her crew, she let the tears come as she cradled the picture against her chest.

Not yet…not yet.

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Please read & review! ~J


	3. Handle with Care

**A/N: **I used one of my favorite quotes from Doc Holliday in this chapter. I just couldn't help myself!

This is by far one of the longest chapters I have ever written. I hope you enjoy. As always, please read and review! ~J

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Shepard woke up the next morning with a dull ache pounding against her head. It had done absolutely no good to sit there and cry over Kaidan. It hadn't changed anything; it had only resulted in a terrible headache and left her feeling foolish. She groaned and put a hand to her forehead, willing the pain to subside. Every time she moved she could hear the blood pumping through her ears, feel it pounding in her temple.

Disgusted with herself, she threw back the covers and made her way into the small bathroom that was located at the front of her cabin. The cold floor felt good against her bare feet and for a moment she was tempted to rest her head against it for relief. Once inside the bathroom she flipped on the light and groaned when she caught a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror. Her green eyes were clouded with conflict, the delicate skin around them red and swollen. Her cheeks, still imprinted with the lines from her pillowcase, were hollow and pale. She gently pushed the skin around her mouth and jaw line in a vain attempt to bring some color back to them.

"Let's hope the crew doesn't ask me about this," she sighed to her image as she pulled at the corner of her eye. "I don't think 'it's just allergies' is going to pass as an acceptable excuse up here."

With a heaviness in her shoulders and a certain amount of dread at the coming day, she turned the knobs on the shower, letting the water warm up while she disrobed. Steam quickly filled the small enclosed area, covering the mirror and effectively blocking her tortured reflection from view. Stepping under the flow, she immersed herself in the hot water, snaking her hands through her tangled black hair to work out the knots. The heat felt good on the top of her head and on the back of her neck, and slowly she felt her tense muscles start to unwind. While her hands helped chase the soap from her body, her thoughts traveled involuntarily back to Kaidan and his hands…back to that one night they shared…

_Damn it! _She seized the faucet and turned the water off, wishing that it could be as easy to shut her thoughts off. For a long moment she just stood there, her forehead resting against the gray tile, listening to the drops of water fall from her body and splash against the floor. Every droplet of water that dripped from the grate of the drain and plummeted to the pipes below ticked away a second it seemed; one more second that she wasted pining away for him.

She straightened, reaching for a towel. No more, she thought as she dried herself off. It was time to move on, time to let go. If Kaidan couldn't see himself as part of her life, regardless of where she went or who was funding the mission, then she was better off without him. She swiped the vapor from the mirror. The eyes that stared back at her were hardened with determination.

Back in her cabin she dressed quickly and marched toward the elevator with new purpose, taking great care not to look at the picture that still sat on her desk.

Days passed by and turned into weeks. Shepard tried her best to keep busy, focusing on recruiting the remaining team members needed for her mission. She treated every new member that came aboard as an opportunity to branch out and made it a priority to stop by and get to know each one of them.

Everyone had their own unique characteristics and personality; Kasumi loved to people watch, Jack was angry at the universe and the circumstances surrounding her existence, Jacob was a military man through and through, Samara had her code. Gabby and Ken were obviously interested in one another, but she guessed neither of them had the guts to say anything. Thane pretty much kept to himself, content to meditate on his atonement. Tali had been a pleasant surprise. It was good to have another member of the old crew back on the Normandy.

The disconnected feeling she had slowly started to vanish. She caught up with the other members of her old team. Wrex was the head of his own clan of krogan on Tuchanka and Liara was working as an information dealer for the Shadow Broker on Illium. It had done wonders for her hurting soul to visit with them both and know they were doing well, even if what they were doing prevented them from joining her crew.

And eventually, the sting of Kaidan's rejection lessened. For the first time since she joined up with Cerberus, Shepard felt content.

Granted, some days were understandably harder than others. She had just returned to the Normandy after a heart-wrenching mission with Kasumi in which she'd convinced the tearful thief to let her destroy her former partner's graybox. It nearly broke her own heart to do it, especially in the face of Kasumi's grief, but she knew it had to be done.

She couldn't wait to get to her cabin and strip out of the confining dress and god awful heels that she'd had to wear in order to fit in at Donovan Hock's upscale party for mercenaries and thugs. But first she needed to get something to eat. She was starving! All the sleuthing around Hock's estate had left no time to enjoy any of the hor'douvers.

The mess area was deserted. She hadn't really expected anyone to be up at such a late hour, but she was glad to be alone nonetheless. She walked as quietly as she could in the heels to the kitchen and opened up one of the cupboards. Mess Sergeant Gardner wouldn't mind if she rummaged through them to get a small snack.

"Commander!" Garrus's footsteps echoed loudly down the metal gangplank. She jumped, dropping the box of crackers she'd found, and turned to see him running toward her.

"Garrus! You scared me. What are you doing up so late? Is something wrong?" He wasn't normally so animated.

He stopped short when he reached her, his eyes traveling the length of her body to the floor where they lingered on her feet and then slowly came back up again. "Wow…Shepard, you look…w-what I mean to say is…"

Shepard folded her arms across her chest, leaning all her weight on one foot and pulled back the corner of her mouth in a wry grin. "Garrus, are you trying to give me a compliment?"

"Uh…well…um…" he stuttered, trailing off into silence. Unconsciously he began to shift his feet.

She smiled. It was cute to see the big tough turian so flustered. "I'm sure you didn't run all the way down here to tell me you liked my dress. Is there something on your mind?"

He cleared his throat. "Yes, actually. Do you remember what I told you about my team?"

She nodded. He'd informed her shortly after arriving on the Normandy that he'd assembled a team of twelve men, himself included, to help rid the streets of Omega of all the crime perpetuated by the three rival gangs that held bases there; the Blue Suns, Blood Pack, and Eclipse. In a twist of irony, all three gangs decided to put aside their differences in pursuit of one mutual goal: Archangel.

The ridge of his brow furrowed and a pained expression slowly crept into his eyes. "What I didn't tell you was that ten of them are dead because of me."

Shepard's eyes narrowed questioningly. "Because of you? What do you mean?"

She gestured toward the table. Garrus walked past her and sat with a heavy sigh.

"I let my guard down," he said after a moment. "I allowed myself to be pulled away, and when I got back they were all dead."

"How?"

"I was betrayed by another member of my team. Sidonis. He distracted me with a fake job and while I was gone, tipped the mercs off to our base. None of my men were prepared. They were sitting ducks, Shepard. Only two survived the initial attack, but their wounds were too serious and they died shortly after."

"How terrible," she breathed. "I'm so sorry Garrus. But none of this is your fault. You couldn't have known."

He looked away, seemingly not convinced. Shepard sat back in her chair and studied him.

"What happened to Sidonis?"

He smirked. "That's the best part, he got away. Every once in a while I'd put out feelers to see if I could find something on him, but I always came up empty. Until now."

"You've found something?"

"There's a guy on the citadel, goes by the name of "Fade". He's good at making people disappear, if you know what I mean. I believe he assisted Sidonis and I'd like to find out for sure."

"What do you plan to do when you find Sidonis?" The look her gave her said everything. She ran her hand through her hair as she digested all that he had told her. Finally she said, "I see. All right, make arrangements to meet this Fade. I'll tell Joker in the morning and we'll plot a course for the citadel."

"Thank you Shepard." Relief was clearly visible in his eyes.

She stood, pausing to place a hand on his shoulder. "Get some rest Garrus. You're going to need it."

XXX

The soft din from the crowd of people that were going about their business in the Zakera Wards gradually died away as Shepard, Garrus, and Tali made their way to the Neon Markets, where Fade was supposedly waiting for them. To dispel the nervous energy, Garrus had made a passing reference to Tali about the times she used to tell them about her pilgrimage. It was met with a quick rebuttal and threats to use her shotgun on him. Shepard hid a smile, just happy that the three of them were together once again.

After meeting up with a volus who was flanked by two krogan, and a long winded conversation which turned up that he was not, in fact, Fade, Shepard had learned with displeasure that the man known as Fade was actually Harkin, a former C-Sec officer. She recalled the first time they'd met in Chora's Den while she was looking for Garrus. Harkin was dead drunk and had completely made an ass of himself. She'd wanted to slug the smug sexist son of bitch right then and there, but refrained in the end because she hadn't wanted to cause a scene.

Thinking that it would be better to continue on alone, they bid Tali goodbye. She quietly agreed, saying she needed to get some work done on one of the engines and made her way back to the Normandy. Shepard and Garrus arrived outside the foundry just in time to see Harkin walk through the door, followed by a handful of Blue Suns mercs. Shepard strode across the room with determination, wondering what the hell she was going to say to him again. _I always knew you were a rat bastard, but I never thought you'd sink this low. _As it turned out, she didn't have to worry about it.

Harkin's eyes widened when he set eyes on them. "Shepard! Shit!" With real fear in his eyes he turned, throwing back to the mercs as he ran past, "Well don't just stand there! Shoot them!"

Shepard drew out her pistol and dove for cover while Garrus took out a couple mercs with his sniper rifle, and in no time flat the threat had been neutralized.

"Damn I love this gun," Garrus exclaimed as he hurdled over one of the crates.

"Come on, he couldn't have gotten far."

They rushed through the door that Harkin had used and slipped inside. It led to a small office, with a giant plate glass window that overlooked the factory beyond. There was no sign of Harkin anywhere. Garrus marched over to the window ledge, putting his hands on it with an irritated sigh. His eyes quickly scanned the barrels and crates for any movement. Hearing Shepard's footsteps behind him, he angled his head slightly, but didn't look at her directly. She put her hand on his back.

"Are you okay?"

"Harkin was the last person I thought I'd find here," he replied. "Now that he knows we're looking for him, I'm afraid he'll tip off Sidonis."

"We'll get to him before that," she reassured him. "What do you intend to do with Harkin once we catch up with him?"

Garrus's fists clenched into balls on the ledge. "I ought to put a bullet right between his eyes. I knew there was something wrong with that son of bitch from the get-go. But I'll settle for beating the living shit out of him if that's what it takes to get him to talk."

"And Sidonis?"

"He's a dead man. Don't try to talk me out of it Shepard. He needs to pay for what he did to my men."

Shepard clamped her lips together. There was a subtle change in Garrus, and for the first time she regretted letting him gun down Dr. Saleon in cold blood. But she said nothing.

Despite Harkin's best efforts, it wasn't hard to track him down. Shepard rounded a corner and came face to face with him. He smirked at her, completely ignoring the pistol that was trained on him. "You're good, but not good enough. Maybe next time sweetheart."

He presented her with his back and calmly walked toward the door on the other side of the room. He whipped his head around just as Garrus stepped out from behind the wall and blocked his exit. Garrus didn't wait for the surprise to register. He reached for his sidearm and cracked the butt of it against Harkin's face. Harkin staggered back, his hands clenching his nose. Blood seeped through his fingers and into his mouth.

"I think you broke my nose!"

"That's the least of your worries," Garrus said as he grabbed his shirt and hauled him backward, pinning him against the wall.

Shepard holstered her pistol and quietly joined them. She couldn't help but notice the look of derision that Harkin sent her way.

"We're looking for someone," Garrus continued in what he hoped was a calm enough tone.

"Well, now isn't that a daisy?" he spit back.

Without breaking eye contact, Garrus raised his knee and slammed it into his stomach. Harkin coughed as the air was forced from his lungs and doubled over. "Wrong answer."

Shepard, the more patient of the two, tried to reason with him. "Come on Harkin. Don't make this more difficult on yourself." She flicked her head in Garrus's direction and folded her arms. "You really don't want to piss him off."

"Fuck off!"

The words were hardly out of his mouth before Garrus's fist connected with his chin. The force of the blow was enough to cause him to lose his balance. Garrus took advantage of it and knocked him to the floor, placing a heavily armored foot on his neck.

"That's no way to talk to a lady," Garrus said, increasing the pressure of his foot.

"Hell, she ain't a lady!" Harkin sputtered. He clawed desperately at Garrus's foot but the turian only stepped down harder.

"Talk Harkin! I'm not afraid to break your scrawny neck. Tell me what I want to know."

The air was tense with silence as Harkin considered his options. But finally he said, "All right, all right. I'll tell you! Get off of me!"

Garrus seized his collar and yanked him back to his feet. Harkin rubbed at this neck.

"I'm looking for a guy named Sidonis."

Harkin finished stretching the sore muscles in his back and shoulders and held up his hand impatiently. "Yeah, yeah, I know who he is."

"Well, if you know what's good for you, you'll contact him pronto," Garrus said, pointing one of his taloned fingers in his face.

Harkin glared back at him, seething with hatred. "Fine."

He pushed past him and keyed up the terminal. A few moments passed, but then a voice, unintelligible from where Shepard and Garrus were standing, came over the speaker. Harkin's feverish answers were all that they heard.

"There is a good chance that your cover has been blown." A pause. "No, no. I don't know who. Look, I'm sending an agent down there to help sort it all out." Another pause. "Yeah, in a half an hour."

He clicked off and turned back to them.

"There. I've done what you asked. Can I go now?"

Garrus was silent for a second and then removed his sidearm from its holster and calmly pulled the trigger. The bullet buried itself into the fragile bones that comprised Harkin's ankle and foot and he crumpled to the ground with a shocked cry.

"_What the fuck is wrong with you?"_ he yelled. "Are you just going to let him do that?"

Shepard moved closer, peering down at him coolly with eyes of hardened steel.

"That's for calling me 'sweetheart', you jack ass."

XXX

A half hour later they stood outside the Orbital Lounge. Dozens of people passed by, none of them the wiser to what would be taking place only a few moments from now. Since Sidonis would know Garrus right off, it was decided that Shepard would act as the agent Harkin had referred to.

"I'll be waiting up there," Garrus instructed, pointing to the mezzanine that overlooked the lounge. "Keep him talking and I'll tell you when I have a good shot. When I give you the signal, move and I'll take him out."

Shepard nodded. She had been fighting the bad feeling that had crept into her stomach all the way over here. Garrus was so determined to seek revenge that she didn't think she could talk him out of it. But something inside whispered that what they were doing wasn't right. She watched sadly as Garrus made his way across the street and took his position.

She took a deep breath and walked over to where a turian sat nervously on a bench, his eyes shifting from side to side. That had to be him.

"Sidon-"

The turian jumped up. "Don't say my name! You never know who might be listening!"

Indeed, she thought to herself.

The intercom beeped in her ear and Garrus's voice filtered through. "I'm in position Shepard."

Without warning, she grabbed Sidonis's sleeve. "Don't move!"

"What are you doing?" Garrus's alarmed voice cried in her ear.

"I'm a friend of Garrus. Right now he has a sniper rifle pointed right at your head."

"What? Garrus?"

"Shepard, you're blocking my shot! Move!"

"He wants you dead, wants you to pay for what you did to his men."

Sidonis raised his head and looked around, but if he hoped to find Garrus, he was wrong. Shepard had to keep shifting side to side to keep herself between him and the muzzle of Garrus's rifle.

"I was forced to do it. They told me they would kill me if I didn't help them. I didn't know what else to do!" Sidonis said frantically. "I didn't want to. I see their faces every time I close my eyes, hear the voices in my dreams. I don't sleep, can't eat. I'd pull the trigger on myself if I had any guts."

"Get. Out. Of. My. Way."

She touched the button on the intercom. "Garrus, he's already suffering."

"It's not good enough! My men deserve better!"

"Don't do this Garrus. Let him live the rest of his miserable life with the regret of his actions. It's far more brutal a punishment than killing him."

The intercom hummed with silence. Then, "Tell him to get the hell out of here before I change my mind."

Shepard waved Sidonis off. He released an exasperated breath and addressed the open air around him. "I'm sorry Garrus! I won't waste this second chance. I'll make it up to you…somehow. I promise."

Shepard followed him with her eyes until he was out of sight and then went to meet Garrus near the shuttle. He was just putting away his rifle when she got there. She opened her mouth to speak, but he cut her off.

"Don't." He raised his hand to stop her. Without saying another word, he climbed into the shuttle and shut the door.

He remained silent during the trip back to the Normandy, choosing to stare out the window. Shepard glanced at him from time to time, her heart heavy with the knowledge that she'd angered him. Perhaps one day he would come to realize why she did it and maybe even thank her. But for now it was clear that he wanted nothing to do with her.

Still, that didn't stop her from following him down to the main battery. As soon as the door closed behind them he turned on her.

"I expected you of all people would understand!" he snapped. "After all, it was you who agreed that taking down Dr. Saleon was the best thing to do."

"That was different Garrus. He was using living people to grow and harvest organs!"

"How is that any different then ten innocent people losing their lives?"

Okay, he was right. It wasn't any different.

"Killing changed you. Take it from me, living a life of regret isn't something you want. I don't want to see you go down that road." She tried to reach out for him, but he yanked his arm away.

"Get out, Shepard. I need some time to be alone."

She curled her fingers into a loose fist and pulled her arm back to her side. "All right, Garrus." She pivoted and quietly slipped through the door.

XXX

"You've received a new message at your private terminal Commander."

Shepard looked up wearily. As always, Kelly's face was full of sunshine.

"Thank you Kelly. I think I'll look at it up in my quarters if it's all the same."

Kelly smiled warmly. "Of course, Commander. You look pretty beat. Have a good night."

The sight of her comfortable cabin had never looked more welcoming to her. With a heavy sigh she shuffled in and sat down to take off her armor. Across from her, her fish swam around in their tank, blissfully unaware of the trouble and heartache that surrounded them. Once she had changed into her favorite broken in Cerberus uniform she walked slowly over to them and watched as they hungrily gobbled up the food she dumped in. She had a couple different species now. Like the models that hung above her computer, she enjoyed picking up one each time she encountered them during her missions.

She rolled her head side to side on her shoulders, hoping to work out the tension in her neck. The incident with Garrus still weighed heavily on her mind and she worried if he would ever forgive her, or if she had damaged their friendship permanently. She was beginning to wonder if she was wrong to talk him out of it.

Suddenly remembering that she had a message, she sat down in the chair and entered the password to her computer. While it loaded, she chanced a look at the picture of Kaidan. Even after all the time that had passed, despite repeatedly telling herself that she was over him, she couldn't bring herself to remove the picture. It was almost as though keeping it there meant that there was still a chance for him to change his mind. She shook her head sadly. She was pathetic.

But the name on the email caused her heart to skip a beat. With shaking fingers she opened up the email from Kaidan and brightened when she saw her name. Of all the people that she'd served with over the years, only Kaidan knew her first name. She had shared it with him the night before they landed on Ilos, the night they pledged themselves to each other forever, and he'd quickly shortened it to an affectionate nickname. Whenever it fell from his lips she felt her heart swell with happiness.

_Nikki,_

_I'm sorry for the terrible way I treated you on Horizon. Seeing you caught me off guard and I didn't know what to say. I spent a long two years mourning your death. And then suddenly, there you were. _

_The truth is, I've been seeing someone – a doctor – for quite a while now and things have gotten pretty serious. I've moved on and I'm happy with the way things are going in my life. _

_I hope you can do the same. Be careful out there. _

_Kaidan_

She sat back, stunned. Tears sprang to her eyes as she read and re-read the simple passage, but it didn't change the words that were written there. Kaidan had found someone. He was in love. She choked back a sob and covered her mouth with her hand. Beneath it her lips trembled. A flash of light hit the glass in the picture frame and she slowly angled her head so that it came into view.

Her eyes narrowed as anger and hurt welled up inside her. She snatched the picture and flung it away from her. Dozens of pieces skittered to the floor as the models shattered and the frame came to rest below the aquarium with a loud thud.

Her rage immediately diminished as she took in the damage she'd done. Collecting those models had been an enjoyable pastime for her and she had destroyed them in a matter of seconds. No longer able to contain her sorrow, she allowed herself to fall apart. She collapsed in a heap, crying into her folded arms next to the computer terminal. Sobs wracked her body as she cried about everything that had gone wrong in her life; Kaidan, being dead and losing two years, having Garrus angry with her.

Eventually she was able to pick herself up and staggered over to what remained of her models. Tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear she knelt down and began picking up the pieces. A few errant teardrops rolled down her cheeks.

Just then the door whooshed open.

"Commander I-"

Shepard jerked her head up, a panicked expression on her face. Garrus stood in the doorway, looking down at her in alarm. Instantly he rushed to her side.

"Are you all right? What happened?"

"It's nothing," she sniffed while frantically trying to scoop up the pieces. She was careful not to raise her head again, as her face clearly told a different story.

He gently put his hand on hers, coaxing the shards from her fingers. Then he hooked a talon underneath her chin and slowly brought her face up to meet his. "This doesn't look like 'nothing'." He looked around at the destruction and noticed the broken frame on the floor.

Shepard swiped the lingering tears off her checks and stood up quickly. "I'm fine, really Garrus," she lied. "What brings you up here?"

Instead of answering he retrieved the picture frame. Though the glass was cracked, the photo beneath it was still slightly discernible. "I came up here to apologize," he said, handing her the frame. "My actions were deplorable."

She took the picture from him gingerly and sank to the couch.

"You were right," he continued awkwardly. "I do understand why you stopped me and…I-I'm glad you did."

Silently she began to cry again. The frame slipped off her lap and fell to the floor. Garrus watched helplessly as she buried her face in her hands, unsure what to do.

"He's gone Garrus. He met…" her voice trailed off.

She dropped her hands and hunched forward. His legs swam into her vision and she looked up just as he knelt down in front of her.

"Kaidan's an idiot," he said matter-of-factly.

She blinked back her confusion. "How so?"

"He doesn't know what he's giving up. I wanted to kick him in the quad for what he did to you on Horizon."

Shepard let out a small laugh at his use of the krogan expression. "Really?"

"Well…yeah. Anyone willing to let you slip through his fingers deserves a lot more than that."

She smiled through her tears. He held her gaze for a long time, and it was her, not him who finally broke it. He stood up and helped her to her feet, letting his hand linger in hers. She looked down and gave it a slight squeeze.

"Thank you Garrus. I'm relieved that you're not mad at me."

His features softened. "I could never be mad at you. I was more angry with myself." After another moment he released her hand and walked to the door. "And I'm grateful that you stopped me from doing something I'd regret later on."

"Garrus!" she ran after him. He turned, searching her eyes. "I-I'm glad you're here…t-that you came by when you did."

"So am I." He hit the button to the elevator and held her gaze until the door blocked him from her view.


	4. A Pocketful of Misfortune

**A/N: **Greetings! I'm on a roll with another long chapter! I love all the feedback that I've been getting. Thank you all so much!

On another note (you'll probably laugh and roll your eyes when I say this) I managed to get my dream car: a Jeep Commander. I named it Shepard. :-)

Anyhoo, enjoy the next installment. I had fun writing it! ~J

* * *

Despite the emotional roller coaster and the events of the previous day, Shepard woke up feeling oddly refreshed. She had been both alarmed and shocked when Garrus walked in on her, but in the end she was glad that he came by when he did. She found his presence extremely comforting. Looking back, Garrus had been there every time she needed someone. He helped her defeat Saren and bring down Sovereign, fought by her side on countless dangerous and missions, and had gladly agreed to walk into hell with her once again to take down the Collectors. He'd certainly been there a hell of a lot more than Kaidan had, and she suddenly realized how much she'd missed their friendship.

For a long time she just laid in bed, enjoying the feel of the warm covers tightly wrapped around her body. The ever present hum of the aquarium droned in the background, filling the silence in a way that wasn't altogether unpleasant. She had a feeling it was going to be a good day. She breathed in deeply, closing her eyes as she drew the air into her lungs, and turned slowly to look at the time on her alarm clock.

"_Shit!" _

She jumped out of bed, the feeling of contentment and relaxation instantly fleeing from her body. It was nine o'clock! She should have been out of bed and down to the CIC hours ago! What was the crew going to think? She dashed about madly, trying to gather her things, all while kicking herself for having slept so late.

"Where's my other boot?" she asked out loud, holding a bundle that contained her uniform against her chest. She looked around, but the boot in question was nowhere to be seen. She walked around her bed and up the small flight of stairs to her computer terminal, but her searching did not reveal its location. More than slightly annoyed she stomped back to her bed and dropped the bundle in frustration. She didn't need this; she was late as it was.

She sighed and ran her fingers through her messy hair, gazing again around the room. She didn't remember throwing her shoes during her fit of rage, just the picture. And she had deposited what remained of that in the trash bin as soon as Garrus left. Where the hell could it have gone? Just as she'd resigned herself to having to wear the black dress and dreadful heels that Kasumi had gotten her to the CIC, she spied the boot underneath the small writing desk that sat to the left of the couch.

"Gotcha!" She walked over to it quickly and crawled underneath the desk to retrieve it. Now she could hurry to the shower and get on with the rest of her day. But she misjudged how far she had crawled under the desk and when she moved to stand she smacked the back of her head into the metal table top. "Ow," she moaned, rubbing the sore spot tenderly.

What a way to start the day.

Shaking off the slight dizziness, she staggered to the bathroom and got in the shower. No time to sit and ponder the way things were going this morning. She was already behind and didn't have the luxury of waking up nice and slow. She hurriedly turned off the faucets and twisted around to reach for the towel. Rubbing it vigorously over her face she walked a few steps to stand in front of the mirror. She didn't see the puddle of standing water until it was too late. Her foot lost traction and she slipped, pitching forward into the counter where she struck her forehead on the corner as she went down.

Naked and dazed, she lay on the cold floor clutching her forehead in her hand. The leftover water was cooling rapidly around her and it wasn't long before she began to shiver uncontrollably. With a mighty effort she reached up and grabbed the edge of the sink, using it to pull herself up. When she was once again steadily on her feet, she examined the gash that had begun to bleed profusely.

"That's just great," she muttered, dabbing at the cut with the edge of her towel. She would have to stop by the medical bay and see if Dr. Chakwas had any medi-gel.

Not wishing to waste any more time, or wait for more accidents to befall her, she hastily dressed and hit the button to summon the elevator. Briefly she thought about watching Garrus until the door closed the night before. The subtle ding announcing its arrival brought her out of her thoughts. She stepped in and selected the second floor. The doors slid closed and it jolted in descent. Halfway down the lights flickered on and off.

Perfect, she thought. She made a mental note to have maintenance replace all the light bulbs before one of the crew members were forced to ride in the small structure in the dark.

"Good morning Commander," Kelly greeted when she got off the elevator. "You have no new messages."

Thank God. After the one she got from Kaidan last night, she didn't want to read any more email for a while.

"What have I missed?" she asked the chipper redhead expectantly. The crew seemed to be peacefully going about their business.

Kelly pulled in the corner of her mouth thoughtfully. "Nothing, really. It's been a rather dull and uneventful morning."

_Humph_, she scoffed inwardly, _for you. _

"None of the crew want to talk to me? No intel from the Illusive Man?" Kelly nodded. Shepard narrowed her eyes. "Did anyone even notice that I wasn't here earlier?"

"No. Everyone's pretty much settled into their own routine."

"Fine." She stalked back to the elevator.

"What happened to your head Commander?" Kelly called after her.

"I don't want to talk about it."

She was fuming by the time the doors opened on the third floor. She'd gotten herself all wound up and hurried for nothing. Nobody cared that she slept in, no one even noticed! She could have spent the entire morning laying about for all it mattered. She exited and sullenly stomped over to the kitchen.

"Morning Commander," Gardner called when he saw her coming. Why the hell was everyone in such a good mood? "What can I get for you?"

"Coffee," she croaked.

"That's an awful scratch you got there," he said as he poured her a cup. "What'd you do? Fall in the shower?"

She started at him.

"Oh," he said sheepishly, sliding the cup over to her. "Sorry Commander."

She nodded and reached for the coffee. She took a long sip of the scalding hot heavenly liquid. Maybe now her day would start to get better. She moved the cup away from her lips and some of the coffee lurped over the edge, spilling down the front of her shirt.

"Gaah! Hot!" she cried, fanning the stain to cool it off. Gardner grabbed a dish towel and handed it to her. She frowned as she dabbed at the mess that was slowly seeping into the white part of her shirt.

"Wow, bad day, huh Commander?"

She handed the soiled towel back to him and pushed what was left of her coffee aside with disgust. "You have no idea."

She considered momentarily about going back up to her cabin and changing her uniform, but decided that she'd wasted enough time already this morning and if she went up there she might be tempted to crawl back into bed and hide under the covers where it was safe. Instead she jogged down the metal walkway to the main battery.

"Hi Garrus," she said softly when the doors slid open.

He quickly turned around the greet her. "Shepard, I was hoping you'd drop b – bloody hell! What happened to your forehead?"

She tenderly fingered the cut. "You would not believe the morning I've had."

"Indeed. Do I have to stand guard and make sure you don't hurt yourself?"

"I could have used your help earlier," she laughed.

He raised his hand and gently ran a talon underneath the gash. It was such an unexpected gesture that Shepard found herself holding her breath. He fixed his eyes on hers intently. Chameleon eyes, she called them. At times they could be the brightest blue and at others, mostly when he was conflicted, they turned a shade of tan-grey that closely matched his skin tone, speckled with green closer to his pupils. Today they were a soft blue.

"You should see if Dr. Chakwas has some medi-gel to put on this."

She shrugged. "It's not any worse than the scrapes I get on the battlefield."

He dropped his hand and stood back with a grin. "Well yeah, but at least with those you can brag about it."

"Fine," she said, her good natured smile giving way to feigned anger. "I'll put medi-gel on the damned thing. Anything else?"

"Yes actually." Shedding his relaxed demeanor he suddenly became more business-like. He walked over to his terminal. She couldn't help noticing how he fidgeted about and started to shake out his shoulders. "I know I told you last night, but I wanted to thank you again for helping me with Sidonis. Things tend to get blurry when looking through a scope, but I thought about it more after I left your cabin and there was still good in him."

"It's easy to pull the trigger when you don't know the person. It gets a lot more complicated when it's someone you know."

"I knew you would understand."

Silence hung in the air between them. He shook his arms again and stood straighter.

"So what's on the agenda today? Are we rushing in to save a survey team from certain peril? Helping Jacob track down his long lost father? Please don't say mining."

She chuckled softly and nodded her head. "I have a datapad that I need to give to Aria. I found it while I was tracking you down and there is information on it that she needs to see."

"Really? That's it? No going in with guns blazing or anything?"

"No," she laughed. "You still interested in tagging along?"

"Not even a little bit of shooting?"

"Well…it is Omega."

He stared at her.

"Oh come on! After this morning I could use a bit of boring."

"I'll take those odds. You talked me into it. I'll suit up."

"Good. I'll meet you in the cargo hold."

XXX

Omega was the Citadel's polar opposite in every way. Where the Citadel had the presidium, green plant life, pristine views, and clean walkways, Omega had seedy alleys, dark corners, and abundant crime. The rule on Omega was that nothing was enforced, so long as it didn't get in anyone else's way. And sitting at the top of the empire, like a crowning jewel in Aria T'loak's throne, was Afterlife.

With drinks, dancing, and other services offered around the clock it quickly became the hub for mercenaries, crime bosses, and prostitutes alike. Many deals were struck over shady tables covered with empty liquor glasses and on more than one occasion someone's life met with a violent end. Most of the time, the nearby patrons were either too drunk or too accustomed to the occurrence to notice or care.

Loud thumping and pulsating rhythms greeted Shepard and her team before they even got close and once they were through the doors the bar was awash with a sea of red neon lighting. The walls were lined with LED images of fire, giving off the impression that if Hell had a bar, this was it.

Aria was less than pleased to find out about the information on the datapad, but she thanked Shepard for the head's up.

With the mission completed and nothing adverse happening to her so far, Shepard allowed herself to relax and started to think that maybe her string of bad luck had finally come to an end. She quietly started down the stairs, looking forward to getting back aboard the Normandy and kicking back in her cabin with a cup of coffee and maybe a good vid.

"Garrus? Garrus Vakarian?"

Shepard looked in the direction of the voice to see Garrus shaking hands with another turian. Their demeanor suggested that they were old friends.

"Shepard, could you give me a few minutes?"

"Sure," she smiled. "I think I need a drink anyway, after the day I've had."

Garrus was already too absorbed in the conversation to reply.

She chuckled and flicked her head at Zaeed. Together they made their way to the bar. The one right in front of them was swarming with customers, so when Zaeed mentioned that he seen another bar at the other end when they came in, she gestured to him that they should check that one out instead. True enough, that one wasn't nearly as busy and she was able to walk right up to the bartender.

"I'd like a drink," she said in a raised voice. The music swirled around them. She wondered how anyone could carry on a meaningful conversation in this joint. Looking around for Garrus, she spotted him in a corner booth, talking emphatically to the other turian.

The batarian behind the counter grunted and set a glass in front of her. While she waited for him to pour her drink she watched Garrus and the other turian get up and slowly amble towards her. She leaned an elbow on the bar and took a moment to study him.

They shared an easy camaraderie together, her and Garrus. He always seemed to be going in the same direction she was. The stuff he had to say constantly made her laugh, even on her darkest of days. And although he could become quite heated at times, he had a bright, if not somewhat cocky, personality. Of all her crew, both new and old, she was the closest to him. She might even go as far as to say that he was really her only true friend, but she'd never admit that to anyone but herself.

By comparison, Kaidan was actually quite depressing. He always seemed hung up on his past, his faults and insecurities, and his steadfast devotion to the Alliance and their rules and regulations had almost squashed their chances for a relationship before it got out of the gate. Every time she tried to talk to him, he'd bring up how they shouldn't be fraternizing. She was starting to wonder if he hadn't just taken advantage of her because he believed that they might die, and so why not? If you truly loved someone, she thought bitterly, wouldn't you just be happy to see them alive and well, and not too concerned with whom they might be with? Shepard stopped herself. This line of thinking was leading her to where she was last night, and she'd vowed then not to ever think of him again.

She grabbed her drink. Garrus had finished saying goodbye to the turian and turned to walk her way. She raised the glass to him.

"Shepard! Don't drink tha-"

His warning came too late. By the time he'd run over to her, she had finished the contents and set the glass on the counter. Almost immediately she began to feel strange. Suddenly a sharp pain exploded in her chest. She placed her hand over her heart and staggered backward as the room around her began to blur. The last thing she felt was Garrus catching her before she fell and then all went black.

The dingy light of florescent bulbs filled her vision as her eyes weakly fluttered open. It took several attempts but she was finally able to part her lids and keep them open. She felt the cold hard ground underneath her. Utterly confused, she tried to sit up. An insistent pressure was instantly on her shoulder, keeping her down.

"Don't try to move Shepard," came Garrus's voice from above her.

She felt the pressure leave her shoulder and then felt his hand as he delicately brushed the hair from her face. Angling her head ever so slightly, she looked up and saw that he was holding her, a look of concern written on his otherwise hardened face.

"What happened?" Her throat burned and there was a heavy achiness all over her body.

"I should have warned you," Garrus replied gravely. "You broke the number one rule on Omega: don't drink anything if you're human. I'm so sorry that I didn't get to you in time."

"What?"

A mousy looking man swam into view. He templed his fingers together nervously. She didn't remember seeing him at the bar and wondered briefly what he had to do with any of it.

"It's that batarian bartender. He dislikes all humans," the fidgety man said. "The same thing happened to my buddy, only he wasn't so lucky."

"Well, you'd think that somebody'd bloody well stop him then, huh?" Zaeed quipped.

The man swung his eyes to where Zaeed stood, looking as though that thought had never occurred to him. "As far as I know, you are the first one to survive the poison. Not much chance for revenge when you're dead, you know what I mean?" He laughed uneasily and rubbed the back of his neck.

"So…I was poisoned?"

Garrus nodded in confirmation.

"I'll kill him…" she sputtered as she struggled to get up.

"Heh, he certainly won't be expecting you," the man said.

Garrus helped her to her feet. "Are you sure you're up to this?"

"Oh yeah."

"Can't say I blame you. I would have put a bullet right in the middle of his four eyes if the bastard hadn't disappeared when I wasn't looking."

Zaeed checked his weapon. "This is gonna be fun."

Shepard walked back into Afterlife purposefully and strode over to the bar. The batarian was busy serving other non-human customers and didn't see her until she smacked the counter with the palm of her hand. Recognition skittered across his eyes, but he quickly downplayed it.

"Can I get you a drink human?" Without waiting for an answer he poured another glass of the deadly liquid.

"I wonder what your customers would think if they knew you were poisoning them?" she said thoughtfully.

"You! B-but…"

"I'm supposed to be dead?"

Suddenly another thought entered her mind. Shooting him a look of pure malice she climbed onto the counter and put her hands to her mouth.

"Hey everybody!" A few patrons in the vicinity turned to look at her with slight interest. "This bartender is prejudiced against humans. He tried to poison me!" Slowly the din started to die down until almost everyone in that section was staring at her. "Who knows, maybe he'll start poisoning turians next. Or krogran."

One turian patron stopped by the bar. "I'm not willing to take that chance." Without another word he drew his gun and shot the batarian in the forehead. The bartender slumped to the ground with a gurgle. The turian smirked and walked off. The commotion grew louder as the patrons went back to their conversations as if nothing extraordinary had happened.

Shepard hopped off the counter and looked at Garrus smugly. "Time to go."

He shook his head in amusement and followed out behind her.

"Told you there'd be shooting."

XXX

It wasn't long before the shuttle touched down in the cargo hold of the Normandy. Zaeed wandered off, still complaining about "ga'damn batarians". Although Shepard hid a smile, after what had happened she was inclined to share his view point. She and Garrus continued on toward the elevator.

"Shepard really, how are you doing?" Garrus asked once the doors closed and they were alone.

"I'm fine. Chalk it up to one more thing that's gone wrong tod-"

The lights flickered again and then went out. Outside the structure, a terrible screeching sound was heard as the emergency brakes grinded the elevator to a halt. The resulting jolt knocked both of them off their feet.

"Really?" She jumped up and punched the wall of the elevator in frustration. "For the love of…you've got to be kidding me!"

"Shepard, calm-"

She touched the headset in her ear and keyed up the radio. "EDI, we're stuck in the elevator."

After a few minutes EDI's distorted voice came through. "Sorry Commander. I cannot immediately see what the problem is. I will let you know as soon as I find something."

"Great," she muttered. She turned around and put her back to the wall. "Looks like we're stuck here for a while."

Resigned, she slid down the wall and sat on the floor. She pulled her knee up, resting her elbow on it and twisted her fingers through her hair. Garrus took out a light stick and cracked it. A pale green light soon illuminated the small area. He sat down across from her.

"I don't know," he began conversationally, "it's not all that bad."

She pulled her hand away and looked at him.

"Well," he stammered, "we don't get much chance to talk…you know, one on one."

Her face softened. "I'm sorry Garrus. It's not your fault. It's just that tight spaces tend to make me really antsy."

"How come?"

She took a deep breath. "My parents were both in the Alliance. Most of my childhood was either spent in one spaceship or another, or a base on some remote planet. I didn't get out much, and so I found other ways to exercise and release the pent up energy. I would often get into trouble. When I was really out of control, my mother would lock me in the closet in their quarters and leave me for a few hours. It was cramped and dark and…well, I've had a fear of enclosed places ever since."

"That's awful."

She shrugged. "It worked. It got me to calm down. I would do anything to avoid being locked up in there, and eventually I straightened up. My father was especially happy when I started to take an interest into what they were doing. I guess the rest is history. I enlisted when I turned eighteen." Her eyes grew shadowed and distant. "I wonder if he would still be proud of me now."

"I'm sure he is."

"Dad passed on shortly after I was awarded for my efforts on Elysium. I can still remember the pride that I saw in his eyes that day. My mother died sometime during the two years that I was…part of the Lazarus Project. I can't imagine how she must have taken the news of my death."

Garrus was silent, not really knowing what to say.

"Anyway, that's why small spaces still make me tense."

"What do you do about it? I mean, how to you get rid of the tenseness?" he clarified when she continued to look at him blankly.

"I don't know. Swallow it, I suppose. Keep it bottled up inside."

He shook his head. "I guess turians have different ways of dealing with stress."

"Like what?"

"Through violence mainly. In the military it wasn't uncommon for fights to break out, especially right before a mission. Our superiors even welcomed it. It got so that other soldiers would bet on the outcome."

"How would they keep control of these fights?" she asked. She couldn't imagine her crew fighting amongst themselves. Too many emotions were involved.

"Mostly it was just full contact sparring. Never anything with weapons. The rush of adrenalin does wonders for dispelling the tension. You'll have to try it some time."

"I'll keep that in mind," she smiled.

Just then EDI's voice came over the radio. "Shepard, I've discovered that the problem is with the cable that hoists the elevator up and down the shaft. It will take some time to repair it."

Shepard closed her eyes and let her head fall back against the metal wall.

"However," the AI continued, "I can override the controls and pull the elevator up to the top of the shaft. It will only work once, but you may be able to pry the doors open and gain entrance to the first floor."

She opened her eyes. "I'm willing to try that."

"Standby Commander."

They heard the emergency brakes release and then slowly the elevator starting to go up. A rough bump signaled when it had reached the top of the shaft. Together she and Garrus pried the door open. Outside the capsule it was dark except for a thin sliver of light that marked where the door to the first floor was.

"There!" she pointed.

While she held the first set of doors open, Garrus dropped down to his stomach and forced the outside doors open. "Hurry Shepard, I can't hold them for long."

She dropped to the ground and slid through the opening. She was never so happy when her feet touched the floor of the hallway outside her cabin. Pivoting around quickly, she held the doors while Garrus did the same.

"It's good to be out of there," she sighed with relief as they walked into her cabin.

The hum of the aquarium greeted her as she stepped in and the feeling of peace that she had instantly dissipated. All the fish were dead. She ran over to the tank and put her hands on the glass.

"My fish!" Anger washed over her. She grabbed the collar of her armor and started pulling it off, throwing the various bits and pieces as she stormed about the room. "God damn it! I'm so tired of this day!" She threw one of the plates that covered her arm, and then the other, in Garrus's direction. He had to dodge to avoid being hit. "I just want one goddamn thing to go right. Is that too much to ask?"

She looked down and noticed she was still wearing the coffee stained uniform from earlier. Rolling her eyes she spun around to grab another shirt from the drawer. The armored plate whistled through the air and struck her in the back. She froze and then turned slowly back to Garrus, who was holding the other one in his hand, ready to pitch it her way.

"Did you just hit me in the back with my own armor, Vakarian?"

The other plate flew and smacked her square in the chest.

"And just what may I ask are you doing?" she asked through clenched teeth.

"I'm trying to piss you off. Is it working?"

She let out a yell that was part anguish, part vengeful battle cry and lunged for him. She caught him by the collar of his armor and pushed him back against the door that led to the bathroom. He reacted quickly, bringing his forearms up between her hands and severed her grip. She threw a punch in return, but he deflected it with ease. Still holding her balled fist, he shoved her backward. She crashed into the computer terminal, sending datapads flying to the ground. The desk chair tipped and landed on its side.

Garrus shot her a cocky grin and moved out from the corner of the desk. She pushed off the desk and marched over to him. He swung his arm, this time she ducked. Still in a crouched position, she stuck her leg out and swept him off his feet. He landed on the ground with a loud thud. Using the opportunity to put space between them, she jumped down the stairs and turned back to him, ready for his next move. He'd gotten to his feet and just stood there staring at her.

"What's the matter Vakarian, am I tiring you out?"

He smiled and then charged toward her. He brought his head down and used his shoulder to hit her in the stomach. She gasped as the air fled from her lungs. Using the momentum, he lifted her off her feet and slammed her down on the bed, moving his body over her so that his arms pinned her on each side.

For a moment the only sound that could be heard was their panting as they tried to catch their breath. Their eyes locked and suddenly the world went dim around her; even the fish tank had stopped humming. Garrus's eyes bore down on her with an irresistible pull. They had darkened with intensity, now a deep blue. She swallowed and chanced a look down to his mouth. Ever so slowly he brought his face closer to hers.

A bright blue orb popped up near the doorway. "Shepard, the elevator has been fully restored."

Garrus pulled back, immediately putting distance between them.

"Thank you EDI," she grumbled.

She sat up and looked at Garrus. He was standing awkwardly by the couch and had started to shift nervously.

"You're welcome," the interfering orb replied and logged off.

"Garrus…"

"I-I should go," he stuttered, rushing up the stairs.

"Garrus wait!"

He didn't look back and was in the elevator before she even got to her cabin door. Disappointment flooded her. She turned slowly and walked back into her quarters, gazing around at the mess they'd left in their wake.

What the hell had just happened?


	5. Pomp and Awkwardness

Shepard's lungs ached with every breath she took, but she couldn't stop. There was no one else in sight. In the distance, dark purple clouds hung menacingly in the air and every so often the sky was split by white-hot lightning. All was quiet around her, only her labored panting reached her ears. But she knew she wasn't safe. Harbinger was swiftly closing in on her.

She ducked behind a storage crate and reached behind her for her trusted assault rifle. Her fingers grasped frantically at the empty air. She could see Harbinger just ahead. To her right, a handful of husks charged toward her. She twisted around, reaching for her pistol instead, but again came up with nothing. She looked down and to her dismay all she was wearing was her white and gray Cerberus uniform. Her armor, her guns, they were all gone.

Fear constricted her throat, making it difficult to breathe. Unarmed she was no match for the Collectors and without her team she was as good as dead. Still, she had to try to outrun them. It was better than going down without a fight. She jumped to her feet and ran in the direction of the colonist's outbuildings.

The husks were on her heels. The moans and gasps they made as they drew closer curdled her stomach. She leaped over a crate and turned to look behind her so she could gauge how far away they were when the door to a building slid open in front of her. A pair of strong hands grabbed her and yanked her inside, closing the door just as the husks reached her. They hissed and clawed at the door, but weren't able to gain entry.

She took a few quivering breaths and looked up to see Kaidan. His arms encircled her and he held her close. She breathed a sigh of relief and buried her face in his chest. For the briefest of moments, nothing else existed. Soon the scratching at the door became more frenzied and insistent, quickly drawing her attention away. The same sickening fear once again filled her insides. Kaidan's hand gently reached out and directed her face back to his.

"It's okay…"

The pitch of his voice changed, until it transformed completely.

"You're safe. I'm here."

She slowly lifted her eyes to his and was shocked at what she saw. Kaidan has disappeared and it was Garrus who held her in his protective embrace.

Shepard woke with a start. Sweat beaded on her forehead and pooled underneath her hair, making it sticky and damp. She clutched her covers close to her chest and passed a shaking hand through her wet hair, trying desperately to catch her breath.

After a few moments she swallowed and looked around wearily. The room was pitch black, save for the steady orange glow of her alarm clock. The tiny white hands pointed out the wretched time: 4:06 in the morning. She dropped back down to the mattress and placed her hands over her face. She wasn't sure what unnerved her more, being alone and unarmed, or the way the dream had ended. And if it was the latter, why had it shaken her up so much?

Her mind drifted to the night before, to Garrus and how he had tried to calm her down by letting her unleash her pent up aggression on him. It had felt good to let go and be angry. She put up quite a fight, even though she knew that he was being easy on her. Still, he'd been right about sparring releasing the tension and stress. She had actually been having fun. But everything stopped when he pinned her to the bed. It almost felt like they were stuck in a vacuum; nothing moved and the air went still around them. In those silent moments something changed. The look in his eyes went from playful to dark and intense, and she remembered how her heart suddenly quickened, not from physical exertion but from trepidation. She was certain that he'd meant to kiss her. Did turians kiss? But before she could find out, meddling EDI had to announce the repair of the elevator, sending Garrus running to it before she could even process what had happened.

She let her hands fall to her sides and stared into the darkness above her. Her brow furrowed as she frowned. She had been confused, yes, but there was also something else. Disappointment? She threw back the covers and got to her feet, pacing around the small space between her bed and the couches. Her hand restlessly crept back up into her hair and her fingers twisted around the messy strands. Why would she feel disappointment? A little voice whispered insidiously to her, telling her exactly why she was feeling the way she did, but she hurriedly shut it out. The more she fought to squelch it, the more it became alarming clear to her that it was right.

Knowing that sleep was now impossible, she turned on the small lamp that sat on her nightstand and walked up the steps to grab a book from the collection by her terminal. Her bare feet made tiny slapping sounds as she walked over and reclined on the oddly shaped chair by her nightstand. Taking what she hoped was a deep cleansing breath she opened the book and tried to lose herself in the story, thereby ignoring the thought the demanded to be voiced. After reading the same paragraph three times she threw the book on her bed with disgust.

She hadn't wanted Garrus to leave.

Her insides were tying themselves in knots. She didn't know whether to be hurt, relieved, confused, happy, sad, or indifferent. And she knew the only way to clear her head was to speak to him about it. She settled back against the curved chair. She would talk to him right after breakfast.

XXX

Breakfast came and went.

Shepard had awoken a few hours later to find herself still slumped in the chair next to her bed. Her muscles screamed at the abuse of such a position and punished her for it with soreness and stiffness. Feeling completely drained and listless from the lack of good sleep, she quickly decided to spend the morning mining; a mindless task that required almost no effort. She dove into the chore with enthusiasm, eager to avoid the other things she planned to do that day.

"Commander, I have detected an anomaly," EDI's voice declared, chasing the hazy fog from her thoughts.

Shepard blinked and tried to focus. Sensing her hesitation, EDI continued, "It appears that something is disrupting the weather."

"Can you pinpoint exactly where it's coming from?"

EDI was quiet for a minute, but Shepard could hear the faint chirps and beeps from the scanners.

"My scans reveal that the anomaly is coming from somewhere on the surface. They are also telling me that there are significant numbers of geth as well."

"Okay. Relay the coordinates to Joker and see if he can get us close enough to make a drop with the shuttle. I'll gather a team to investigate and we'll tell you when we're ready."

"Aye, aye Commander."

Unable to put off the situation any longer, she rode the elevator to the third deck and made her way to where she was sure Garrus would be. She took a deep breath as the door slid open. Garrus was standing with his back turned to her.

"Hey," she said awkwardly. "Got a minute?"

He raised his head up slightly but didn't turn around to look at her. "Maybe later? I can't seem to get these calibrations right."

"Um…sure." The muscles in her throat started to constrict. "I thought that you might want to check out an anomalous weather signal with me."

Again he didn't look at her. "You know I'd love to Shepard, but I really need to concentrate on this right now."

"O-okay. I'll…I'll catch up with you later then."

She took a couple of steps backward and the door opened. Garrus was already too involved in his work to reply.

A short while later the shuttle touched down on the surface of Canalus. The planet was shrouded in a thick yellow fog that not only hampered their visibility, but also severely dampened any sound that would have given them an idea as to where the geth were hiding.

Shepard stepped out of the shuttle and look around uneasily. She could only see a few yards in front of her and as the team moved farther into the unknown, the shuttle was quickly swallowed in the mist behind them. She removed a flare from the bag that they brought with them and ignited it, leaving it on the ground. She figured that if she left a trail, it would help guide them back to the shuttle and provide enough light to hopefully stop an ambush.

Unfortunately for them, the geth had no such problems with being able to see. They quite literally came out of nowhere and soon had them pinned behind an outcropping of rocks. Tali's combat drone helped dramatically, as did Shepard's incendiary ammo, but Thane's sniper rifle was all but useless because he couldn't see far enough into the gloom to get off any surprise shots. To make matters worse, there were at least a half a dozen geth hunters out there that used cloaking to sneak up on them.

Despite the tremendous odds stacked against them, Shepard couldn't keep her mind from wandering back to her favorite battle mate and his absence. It seemed like everything she looked at reminded her of him somehow. Tali made her think of her old crew and the trouble they used to get in before the first Normandy was blasted to pieces. When Thane raised his sniper rifle she immediately thought of how Garrus would hold his most beloved of weapons and inevitably made comparisons between the two of them. Even the damn fog brought up memories of an earlier mission in which they had had to find their way up a mountainside using only beacons to guide their way.

A bullet, fast and hot, whistled through the air, slicing its way through her shields and buried itself into her armor on her leg. Wincing, she dropped behind a rock.

_Damn it!_ she thought, _I have got to get my head on straight or there's a good chance it'll get blown off!_

She ejected the used thermal clip and slapped in a new one. She found that her new heavy pistol, the one with the dazzling blue laser sight, worked the best on dropping the geth after one or two shots. Using her anger over letting herself become distracted, she pushed her way through the fog until the three of them had the remaining geth backed into a corner near the giant device that they were using to corrupt the planet's weather patterns.

As Tali took out the last geth, Shepard ran over to the console and overrode the signal. The gigantic beam that shot out from the middle of the device flickered and shut down. Slowly the haze around them dissipated and cleared around them. Shepard hobbled and looked behind her at the path of destruction they left as they'd made their way to the device. She nodded in satisfaction to Tali and Thane and then started back toward the shuttle.

XXX

The days passed by quickly as life aboard the Normandy gathered momentum. During that time there were several leads that revealed pertinent information that would be helpful to Shepard's mission, the most notable being the location of a disabled Collector ship. Shepard and her team charged forth with their usual vigor, only to discover that it had been a terrible trap and that the Illusive Man had known about it all along.

But what weighed the most heavily on her mind was the fact that Garrus had steadily been finding reasons to avoid her, and when she did manage to pin him down to one spot, he always had some excuse as to why he couldn't join her on the mission. They hadn't had a full conversation since the night he was last in her cabin and she couldn't figure out what she'd done to make him act the way he was.

She couldn't deny that she missed him immensely. He was the highlight of the missions with his droll comments and the way he always had her back. The rest of the team was great, but sometimes she felt that she and Garrus alone could take on anything that came their way. The fact that he wouldn't even talk to her now bothered her deeply.

At night she would often pace about her cabin, retracing the steps they took during their sparring match, remembering the look in his eyes and the feel of his weight above her. Other times she would remember when he walked into to find her crying over the broken pieces of her models and the tender ways he'd find to touch her.

Before, she wouldn't allow herself to think about it. But now…now all she could do was think about it, and in doing so came the realization that she cared for him, not just as a comrade and a shipmate, but as something more, and she thought with some degree of certainty that he felt the same way. The part that scared her was how did she ask such a question? What if she was horribly wrong? She would embarrass them both. _What if she was right?_ To her knowledge she had never heard of a human being in a relationship with a turian. Was it even possible? The questions fluttered around inside her head like moths blindly bouncing into a light. And the more she thought about it, the more her tongue remained nailed to the bottom of her mouth.

"Commander, the Illusive Man wishes to speak with you in the debriefing room," Kelly said.

Shepard pulled her head away from her private terminal and looked at her and then at the place behind the elevator where the debriefing room was located. What could he possibly want now? She was still smarting from the knowledge that he knew the Collector ship had been a trap and right now she wasn't quite sure if she could trust him again. She'd been wary of Cerberus ever since she signed on and she certainly didn't like being lied too, even if it was just a lie of omission.

Trying to suppress a grumble she headed for the debriefing room. She pressed the button on the edge of the conference table and it slid into the floor, revealing the place where she was supposed to stand. A scanner moved from her feet to the top of her head, capturing her image in a hologram that would be projected back to the Illusive Man, just as his image was to her.

He sat, as usual, in his chair with his ever present cigarette held loosely between his fingertips and his leg crossed casually in front of the other. She imagined he sat that way to appear non-threatening, but his very presence put her on edge.

"Shepard," he greeted her. "I have some good news."

She folded her arms over her chest and waited.

"The data that you were able to take from the Collector ship has revealed that they and the reapers are using a system of IFFs to navigate through the special relays like the Omega 4 relay."

"What's an IFF?"

"It stands for 'identify friend or foe'. What it means for us is that in order to pass through the Omega 4 relay we need to find one. Fortunately our scientists have located a derelict reaper in the Thorne System of the Hawking Eta cluster. We believe that if you can board the reaper, you may be able to extract its IFF and use it."

"Something in the tone of your voice tells me that doing so isn't going to be an easy task."

He laughed quietly. "No, it won't be easy. The reaper is currently suspended in the orbit of a brown dwarf and the only thing that's keeping it from falling into the core is its mass effect shields."

Shepard raised her arms in an "I told you so" gesture.

"There's more." He shifted his weight and switched legs. "We've lost contact with the team of scientists that discovered the reaper. We need you and your squad to infiltrate the ship and search for any signs of life while you extract the IFF."

"Is there anything else?"

"Yes. Going through the Omega 4 relay may very well be a one-way trip Shepard. You must be certain that you and your team have worked out all the loose ends and are prepared for a possible suicide mission. If there is anything that needs to be said or done, do it now."

He touched a button on the arm of his chair and immediately his visage vanished, leaving Shepard in the empty debriefing room. His last words echoed in her head as she retraced her steps to the CIC. Of course, she had to remain strong and confident for her crew, but deep down she worried that the Illusive Man might be right.

She needed to talk to Garrus.

"Permission to speak freely Commander."

Shepard stopped in front of Kelly. "You know you don't have to ask permission Kelly. What's on your mind?"

"I can't help but notice how you've been walking around the command center the past few days. I was wondering if there was something wrong."

Crap. She was allowing her self to get too involved in her thoughts and it was starting to affect her work. Kelly was perceptive, true enough, but she wondered how much she was broadcasting to the other crew members.

"You know," she said with a laugh and a dismissive wave of the hand, "I've just been a bit distracted lately and I haven't been getting much sleep. I didn't know I was walking around like a zombie though. Thanks for bringing it to my attention."

Kelly nodded but she didn't seem too convinced.

"Anyway," Shepard called, heading toward the elevator, "I'd better be getting back to work. Let's chat later!"

As soon as the doors closed she let out a sigh. That was too close.

She got off on the third deck and was rounding the corner on her way to the mess area when Garrus walked out of the crew quarters. He took one look at her and swiveled around to go back the way he came. She lost it. Lunging toward him she thrust her arm out to the wall and thwarted his move.

"Garrus I need to talk to you."

"I'm really busy Shepard. Can we do this some other time?"

"No goddamn it! You've been avoiding me for a week! Talk to me!"

He looked around nervously. "Shepard, you're causing a scene…"

She grabbed him by the collar of his armor and swung him around, pushing him into the women's restroom. Thankfully it was empty. But now that she had him alone she didn't know what to say. In front of her, Garrus shifted uncomfortably and pulled at his collar.

"Garrus, about…"

"I never meant for that to happen," he blurted. "I convinced you to spar with me as a way for you to unload stress, but what happened after was never my intention. You're my commanding officer for hell's sake! What would the crew think?"

Shepard swallowed what would have been her next words. He was right, what would the crew think? Most of them had no idea what had happened on the old Normandy, but there were a few that had been with her from the beginning. Would they think that she just jumped from crew member to crew member, finding anyone who was convenient enough to warm her bed? She didn't want that kind of a reputation.

And then there was Kaidan. Had she really been in love with him? Was she in love with Garrus now? Was it possible to feel that way twice, or was it just the thought of a suicide mission that spurred her into finding comfort. After all, the night she spent with Kaidan was right before they went through the Mu relay on their way to Ilos. Maybe this was all just a bad habit.

"…not to mention that you don't need that kind of distraction before such an important mission," he went on. He took a deep breath. "You're my only friend Shepard, and I don't want anything to come between that."

"I agree," she said weakly. He was probably right. "I don't like you avoiding me. I want things the way they used to be between us."

"Good," he breathed with obvious relief. "I'm glad you feel the same way. Let's pretend the whole thing never happened."

"Okay," she whispered. She did her best to flash him her most award winning, sincere smile. "Well…now that we've got that settled I…I should get going."

"Yeah. I really don't want to stand around in the women's restroom all day."

She blushed and pointed her index finger at him feebly. "Right. I guess I'll see you around…"

Without waiting for his reply she spun around and darted through the door. What a miserable mess that had almost been, she thought as she rode the elevator back up to her cabin. She couldn't believe that she hadn't considered the consequences before now. She'd spent so much time trying to sort out if she even had feelings for Garrus that she hadn't given any thought to what the crew might think.

She dove into her work, deciding that now was the best time to catch up on all the mission reports that she had put off doing. The hours flew by, until she looked up at her clock and noticed that it had gotten quite late. Still the thoughts burned in her mind. She really hadn't given herself an opportunity to mourn the loss of her relationship with Kaidan. As usual she just swallowed her feelings and concentrated on the mission. She rested her elbow on the desk and put her hand in her open palm. Kaidan. The lieutenant was charming and cute, she'd give him that. But he always seemed afraid that they'd get in trouble. Looking back now, how would they have maintained their relationship if he was so worried about what other people would think?

Wait. Wasn't she worried about what other people would think? But this was different. She was afraid of the crew thinking she just used men up and cast them aside when she was done. That was different right? Her head fell and hit the desk with a dull thud. God, she didn't know what she wanted. Why couldn't this just be easy?

A series of beeps broke the silence and the yeoman's tinny voice came through the speaker to the right of her terminal.

"Sorry to bother you so late Commander, but Kasumi needs to speak with you in her quarters. She said it's urgent."

Shepard glared back at the speaker with contempt. What the hell was Kasumi doing up so late that she needed her help. In as cheerful a voice as she could muster she answered, "I will be right down. Tell her I'm on my way."

Dripping with self pity she picked herself up and trudged out the door.

XXX

Kasumi was still fully dressed when Shepard entered the observation deck. She was standing behind the bar and poked her head up when she heard her come in.

"Hey Shepard!" She set three glasses on the counter.

"I heard you needed to see me…" She trailed off when Kelly walked in the door behind her. "What's going on?"

"You've been so down lately that we thought you could use some cheering up," Kelly said, looking at Kasumi conspiringly.

Kasumi grinned back. "Wanna drink?"

Shepard stared at the two of them, touched that they cared enough to try. She pulled the corner of her mouth in and spread her hands. "Why the hell not? Make me a strong one."

Kelly gestured for her to sit on the sofa that was closest to the bar while Kasumi poured the drinks. Shepard meandered over and took a seat on the floor, using the edge of the sofa for support, and folded her legs underneath her. Kasumi handed her a glass and she downed it contents before her companions even had a chance to sip theirs.

"That good huh?" Kasumi quipped.

Shepard wiped her mouth with her sleeve and wagged the glass back and forth. "Yup."

"You might as well just bring the bottle over here," Kelly laughed as she finished off hers.

Kasumi sighed for effect and swigged hers. "Oh no, looks like mine is all gone too. Guess we will have to get that bottle."

Both Shepard and Kelly agreed. It felt good for Shepard to let loose and she was grateful that they had invited her.

It didn't take long before all three of them were feeling the effects of the liquor and had migrated to a giggly mess on the floor. There were several empty bottles around them, some tipped on their sides. Shepard was trying her hardest to get the last of the purple liquid in one particular bottle into her glass, but she just couldn't seem to get her hand to hold steady enough. What remained of the contents spilled out, hitting the floor instead.

"Waiter! We need another bottle!" she called out, holding the empty bottle over her head.

Kasumi buckled into a fit of laughter. "You're on your own Shepard. I don't think I can walk to the bar."

Shepard got up and staggered the few paces to the bar. Steadying herself on the counter she yelled back, "Orange or green?"

"We jus' had green, didn't do nothin for me," Kelly slurred. "Get orange."

"You got it!" Shepard said, grabbing the decanter containing the green liquid. She walked back to the circle and set it down between them.

"I said orange! This is…did I say orange?"

"No, I strictly remember you saying green."

"Oh. Bottom's up then ladies."

"Did any of you see Jacob this morning?" Kasumi said, smacking her lips. "Mmmhmm! He was looking mighty fine in that workout gear!"

Shepard pulled her face out of her glass. "Jacob?"

"Oh yeah!" she settled against the sofa. "Sometimes I cloak and walk behind him through the CIC just so I can look at that tight ass."

Kelly sputtered, spraying her drink everywhere. "Kasumi!"

"What?" she asked innocently. "Oh come on! Don't tell me that there's no one here that you don't have an eye on!"

"Well," Kelly said, looking up to the ceiling with an exaggerated expression while she considered, "just between us girls, I've always kinda had a thing for Zaeed."

"Zaeed? Seriously?" Of all the people on board the Normandy, he was the last one Shepard thought Kelly would go for.

Kelly scrunched up her nose in a giddy sort of way. "I've always had a thing for bad boys. There's just something about the way he races headlong into danger. I mean, getting shot in the face at point blank range, and living to tell about it? I don't know, but…ahh…and he has that scar…that's so sexy." Her eyes glazed over with a dreamy look.

Shepard's face fell. Even though Kelly and Kasumi continued to jabber, suddenly her mood darkened. _I guess Garrus was right_, she thought, _women really do dig men with scars. _Just the thought of him brought back her melancholy.

The two hens stopped clucking and looked at her.

"Shepard, what's wrong?" Kasumi asked.

"Oh my god!" Kelly said dramatically. She grabbed hold of Shepard's arm with one hand and covered her mouth with the other. "You don't have a crush on Zaeed do you? I didn't mean to steal him if you did!"

"No. It's just…"

"What? Is it Kaidan?" Instantly she looked sympathetic.

"No!" Shepard said vehemently. "He's off gallivanting with some doctor from the citadel."

"What about Garrus?" Kasumi interjected. Both Shepard and Kelly turned to her as though they'd forgotten her presence. "I've seen the way he looks at you."

"See! This is exactly what I'm talking about!" Shepard cried, throwing her hands in the air.

Kelly and Kasumi exchanged confused glances.

"Whoa! Wait…wait…w-wait a minute! What _are_ you talking about?" Kelly asked.

Shepard got up and tried to walk to the bar as best she could. The room was starting to tip back and forth. She grabbed another bottle with a grand gesture and took a shot straight from the opening, ignoring Kasumi's comment that it was hers to keep after that.

"I don't want to be known as the 'whore of the Normandy'. I don't flit from guy to guy." She looked back to her friends, tears stinging her eyes. " Really. I thought I loved Kaidan, but…but I was wrong."

Kelly jumped up and guided her back to the sofa. "Nobody thinks that."

"But you will! Honestly, how many times can a person feel this way about someone else? Tell me," she buried her face in her hands and sank back down to the ground. "How do I know if it's real this time?"

"So…you like Garrus then?" Kasumi prompted with a giggle.

Shepard pulled her hands away and looked at them woefully. "I think I'm in love with him."

Kelly's quick intake of breath could have sucked in all the furniture in the room. "You've got to tell him!" she said excitedly.

"But-"

"But nothing. "We're on a suicide mission." She looked to Kasumi for support and the thief nodded enthusiastically. "You might not get another chance!"

"That's right Shepard. It won't be too much longer before we get that IFF thingy and then what?"

"You're both crazy."

"Trust us," Kelly said, handing Shepard the bottle she'd sipped from, "you'll regret it if you don't."

"Okay, first thing in the morning."

"No, now. Don't wait a minute longer!"

"Now?" Shepard whispered. She wasn't liking the sound of this. But the looks on their faces were determined. They wouldn't let her give them excuses. She chugged the rest of the liquor for courage and stood up. "All right. Now."

The ship rocked back and forth as she walked. She had to keep her hands on the wall to keep herself upright as she crept down the hall. The rest of the crew had long since retired to their beds and the third deck was eerily quiet. She slipped through the door of the crew quarters and stumbled over to Garrus's bunk. Fortunately for her, his was one of those closest to the door. Still, she had to stand on the tips of her toes to see him. He was on his back. One leg was sticking out of the covers and dangling off the edge of the bunk.

"Garrus," she whispered so lowly that it was almost inaudible.

He moaned and shifted his head to the other side.

"G-Garrus!" she said again, this time a little bit louder.

She reached out and poked him gently in the shoulder. He bolted awake and sat up with a start.

"Hi," she said with a grin.

"S-Shepard?" he squinted. He ran his hand over his fringe and leaned forward in an attempt to orient himself. "What are you doing here? Is everything okay?"

"Yup." She put her hand to her mouth like she was about to impart on him a great secret. "I need you to come with me."

"Why?"

"Shh!" She waved her hand frantically between them. "Cause you'll wake everyone up!"

"Yeah, it would be a shame to wake someone up from a dead sleep," he said dryly.

"Come on!" she encouraged, her 'whisper' getting louder.

She turned and walked back to the hall, stumbling as she went through the door. She caught herself from going all the way over and dusted herself off, trying to look nonchalant about it.

"Shepard, have you been drinking?"

"Noooo!" She looked at him with wide eyes.

"How many have you had?"

She held up her hand and looked at her fingers. "Um…enough?"

"Uh huh. Let's get you to bed." He moved toward her.

"No! I-I have to tell you something!"

He stopped.

She thought quickly. "I-I…like your scars."

"That's it? You dragged me out of bed for that?"

"Well, no…um." She swayed. "Tell Joker to stop driving so erratically! The whole damn ship's movin!"

He moved closer to her and placed his hands on her shoulders. "Shepard?"

His voice was starting to sound far away. She took a deep breath and tried to focus on him. "I wanted to tell…you that…I lov-"

The small hallway spun out of control. She blinked rapidly but in the end could not stave off the darkness as it closed in around her.


	6. Collection and Handling

**A/N: **I felt so bad for not being able to post last Saturday that I worked extra hard and turned out two chapters. In this one I have once again followed the events of the game, but altered it slightly to fit with my own version of the story.

I have got to thank everyone that has been reading, setting this story on alert or as a favorite and those who have reviewed and talked to me! You're all the best and I wouldn't have gotten this far without any of you!

On a more funny note, I stumbled across the title to this chapter while I was putting together a data manual and it was so perfect that I couldn't resist using it. I hope you enjoy it! ~J

* * *

Shepard's eyelids felt like lead. When she finally managed to open them, razor sharp rays of light penetrated her pupils, sending a wave of pounding through her temple. She groaned and covered her eyes with her hand.

"I'm never drinking again," she vowed as she pulled the covers up over her head.

She froze as it suddenly occurred to her that she was back in her bed. Propping herself on her elbow she wearily looked around. She was in her cabin, in her own bed with the covers lovingly tucked around her. The lamp on her nightstand was turned down low with a glass of water and a couple of analgesics sitting next to it. She reached for the glass and quickly swallowed them.

Sitting up she tried to think of the events that led her to where she was. She couldn't remember coming back up to her cabin and climbing into bed, much less having the foresight to set out medication for the inevitable headache that always followed a night of binge drinking.

Eventually she managed to crawl out of bed and found her way into the bathroom. The hot water of the shower did little to ease the ache in her neck and head, nor did it drive the fatigue from her body. To make things worse, her favorite white and gray Cerberus uniform was still being laundered, so she had to keep wearing the more formal uniform. It was black, with a high collar and white trim. It narrowed at the waist and flared out slightly at the bottom and actually complemented her slim figure quite nicely. But that morning all she wanted to do was slip into a pair of sweats and a t-shirt and fall back into bed.

She pressed the button to summon the elevator. She had planned to catch up with the crew this morning. If she was lucky, hopefully she would be feeling better by the time she was done. The doors opened to the CIC and she walked out, taking great care not to look as bad as she felt. Kelly was standing by the galaxy map, busily typing away at her console. She turned when she heard Shepard behind her and flashed her a pretty smile.

"Morning Commander."

Shepard grimaced. "How the hell can you just stand there and be so chipper after all we had to drink last night?"

She shrugged nonchalantly. "I don't know. I never really suffered from hangovers."

Shepard glared back at the perky yeoman, seething with envy. "I hate you."

"Don't worry," she laughed. "I don't think Kasumi has risen from the dead yet, so you're not the only one."

There was a long pause. Kelly looked at her expectantly and something about the way her eyes twinkled mischievously made her suddenly apprehensive.

"So…" she drawled with barely contained excitement, "what did he say?"

She blinked. "What did who say?"

Kelly folded her arms and shot her a look that indicated she thought Shepard was just playing coy.

"Garrus!" she said when Shepard continued to stare blankly at her. "You were going to tell him that you love him," she coached, waving her hands emphatically.

"I did what?"

The blood drained from her face. Slowly the last few hours of the night started to come back. She recalled drinking and having fun with the girls and then breaking down and unintentionally confessing her feelings for Garrus. Before she could retract what she had said, Kelly and Kasumi helpfully tried to talk her into telling him. And because her drunk ass could be persuaded to do anything at that particular moment, she had agreed!

She vaguely remembered coaxing him out of his bunk in the crew quarters and talking with him out in the hall, but it all got fuzzy from there. Had she gone through with it and told him that she loved him? She must have passed out shortly after that because she couldn't remember anything else.

Then it hit her. He was the one that put her in bed and carefully tucked the covers around her. It was him that left medication and water on the bedside table, knowing that she was sure to need it in the morning. The sudden mental picture that she got of him tenderly carrying her up to her cabin and laying her in bed touched her more deeply than she thought it could. Sure, any of the other crew members would have hauled her up there and deposited her on the bed; she was the commanding officer after all. But only Garrus would have taken the time to assure that she was comfortable and she wondered suddenly if he had lingered.

"I have to go…" Shepard said, her voice dripping with uneasiness.

"Oh sure, Commander. I understand," Kelly said with a wink. "I'll be here if you need anything."

"I'm sure you will," she muttered under her breath.

She couldn't believe that she had blabbed about her feelings to the two biggest gossips on the ship! And worse than that, she still didn't know if she had told Garrus before she blacked out. Was that why he had taken care of her? And if she had told him, she was damned if she could remember what his reply had been. She sighed. She'd gone and made a terrible mess out of things and it was going to take some work to get everything right again.

When she arrived on the third deck she paced outside the door of the main battery for several minutes, having completely lost her nerve. She was glad that Mess Sergeant Gardner was away from the kitchen for a minute and couldn't see her arguing with herself. Damn, why did this have to be so hard? Never in her life had she been afraid of anything, and now just the thought of talking to Garrus made her insides twist with apprehension. After all, he'd been so relieved when she agreed to let things go back to normal between them. And yet, here she was, making things more complicated because she was listening to her "feelings".

The door slid open and Shepard turned in surprise to see Garrus standing there with his hands on his hips.

"Are you going to come in or are you just going to walk back and forth all day?" he queried. "The racket you're making out here is quite distracting."

She blushed. "Sorry."

She lowered her head to hide her sheepish expression and slipped past him into the room. He shook his head in amusement and closed the door to afford them more privacy.

"How are you feeling?"

"I've been shot and it still feels better than what I'm feeling now."

"You were pretty gone last night," he laughed.

"Yeah…" She laced her fingers together and turned her hands over to look at her exposed palms. "So um…I didn't…I didn't say anything, did I?"

"Shepard, you couldn't walk let alone speak in intelligible sentences."

A sigh of relief escaped her lips.

"Oh! You did say one thing to me…"

Instantly the muscles in Shepard's neck tightened and she held her breath. _Here it comes_, she thought.

"You told me you like my scars."

"Well…I do Garrus," she laughed and nervously punched him in the arm. "They're very rugged and stylish and…and I really should be going."

She brushed past him and went for the door. He caught her by the arm and slowly pulled her back so that he could look deep into her eyes. His own were shadowed with confusion, making them a dazzling beige.

"Shepard, wait. Last night you were hell bent on telling me something and you never got the chance. What was it?"

If he was truly paying attention, he would have seen the sadness that skittered across her face before she quickly swallowed it with a brittle laugh. "You know, that's the thing. I just can't seem to remember."

She rushed out of the main battery, which suddenly seemed to have closed in on her, and ran for the elevator before she could look back. She silently chided herself for being such a coward. When the doors to the elevator finally closed, sheltering her inside, she remembered that she hadn't thanked him for taking care of her. But there was no way in hell that she was going back down there to do it.

Alone in the thick quiet of her quarters, she dutifully typed away on her reports, trying not to think of how she continued to make herself look like a fool. Deep down she was hoping that Garrus would see right through her thinly disguised calm and notice that she was in misery. But he could sometimes be as thick as the tough skin that covered most of his body.

Her fingers paused over the keyboard as she tried to imagine how he would look without his uniform and armor. Heat rushed to her cheeks and she was sure she had gone bright red, but she couldn't help it. He may be coarse and rough on the outside, but he was also capable of great tenderness. He had shown some of it to her already.

On an impulse she opened the extranet and searched 'turian physiology'. It turned up a wealth of information, including eating habits and mating rituals. Her eyes quickly scanned the words. It said that turian DNA was composed of dextro-amino acids and that consuming food from any other species, except for quarian, would make them violently ill and could even prove fatal. _So much for going out for dinner on the citadel,_ she thought dryly. She scrolled farther down the page. Besides mentioning that there was still a slight rift between humans and turians because of the First Contact War, she could find nothing else that suggested that inter-species mating was possible.

She backtracked to the previous search page, where she thought that she had seen something on mating, and was about to click on it when her door opened. Frantically she shut the extranet down, hoping that whoever had entered hadn't gotten a chance to see what she was doing. She swiveled in her chair just in time to see Kelly walk in.

"Kelly!" she cried, trying to sound excited and interested that she had a visitor. "What brings you up here?"

Kelly smiled and walked farther into the room. Reluctantly Shepard got up from her terminal and followed her down the steps to the couch. Kelly sat without being offered to do so, while Shepard remained standing, leaning up against her dark, empty fish tank for support.

"I came to see how you were doing," Kelly said and then added, "both as a friend and a psychologist."

"I'm fine, I assure you. I don't need any of that shrink crap." Kelly's bright face fell and she immediately felt guilty speaking so matter-of-factly. "I'm sorry Kelly," she sighed, "I didn't mean it that way. I…"

"Did everything go okay with Garrus?" she said, saving Shepard from her rambling.

Shepard trailed off and looked at her. "No," she whispered finally. Walking over to the couch she sat next to her and exhaled. "I'm so confused. One moment all the signs point to 'he's interested', and then the next he's begging me to forget everything that's happened."

"What has happened?"

She raised her hands in a hopeless shrug. "Not much. But the night the elevator broke I swore that he was going to kiss me. When I finally got him to stop avoiding me, he quickly apologized for it. Now I'm not sure. Maybe I was just reading into things that weren't there."

"Have you ever thought that maybe he's just as afraid as you are?" Kelly said softly.

She thought back to what he'd said in the restroom. "Maybe you're right."

"I know it's a big risk," Kelly said, placing her hand over Shepard's. "But you have got to tell him how you feel. He could just be waiting for you to make the first move. And you'll never know until you try."

"You don't think it's weird?" she asked quietly. She felt Kelly squeeze her hand reassuringly.

"Love is love, no matter the form or the species. If you've found something special, especially out here in this cold, expansive galaxy, then you have to hold on to it, whatever it takes."

Shepard smiled. She had never thought of it that way. "Thanks Kelly. I feel better now."

"Anytime," she said, leaning over to give her a hug. "Just don't wait too long."

With that, she left, leaving Shepard with her own thoughts. The only problem was that her thoughts were dangerous right now. Rising up, she quickly decided to check on the other member of the crew and see how they were doing.

"Ah Shepard," Mordin said when she walked in. "Glad you are here. Was worried about you."

"Worried? Why?"

"Have noticed that you seem depressed lately. Overwhelmed perhaps. Is possible with such an important mission and everyone depending on you."

"I'm fine," she laughed. "Never been better actually. I'm ready to give the Collector's the fight of their lives."

He nodded. "Perhaps then it is Garrus Vakarian who is making you sad?"

Shepard's laughter died as the smile faded from her lips. "What? God damn it! Does everyone this ship know?"

"No, merely an observation. Expert on reading body language." He sniffed. "Would never dream of outing you."

"Oh." Her shoulders drooped. She suddenly felt very stupid. If she kept going like this, soon the whole ship _would _know – everyone except Garrus that is, the one person who should be told first. She was doing him a great disservice by not telling him and if she wasn't careful it would get back to him by way of rumor, and she didn't want him finding out that way. She remained quiet for a minute longer and then said, "Do you have any suggestions?"

Mordin took a deep breath and puffed out his chest, obviously proud that he was being called upon for advice. "Both humans and turians participate in sexual intercourse for pleasure as well as to relieve stress. That being said, there is a possibility of chafing. Could provide you with lotions and ointments that will help. Also, slight chance of an allergic reaction to turian tissue, due to dextro-amino acids. Anaphylactic shock could result so advise caution against," he coughed, "ingesting."

"Are you trying to scare me off? It won't work."

"No. Merely wanted you to be aware of the risk. Will forward a booklet to your cabin containing positions comfortable to both species and diagrams." He tapped his omnitool. "There are vids as well."

"Thank you Mordin." She hadn't expected to have this kind of a talk with him, but she was glad he brought it up. He had inadvertently answered her questions about the possibility of it all, and what he didn't was sure to be in the pamphlet he was sending her. All in all, it was a good and informative visit.

"One more thing Shepard," he said as she turned to leave. "Success of intercourse dependent on informing him of your intentions."

Redness once again crept into her cheeks. "I will."

Shepard however, didn't get that chance. Just as she walked out of the tech lab, Joker announced over the intercom that they were approaching the derelict reaper. She hurried to her cabin to put on her armor and ready a squad to investigate.

When Joker maneuvered the Normandy alongside the reaper, they noticed a second ship. Shepard remembered what the Illusive Man said about the missing science team and quickly had Joker pull up next to it so they could check it out.

Inside, they found walls covered with blood, but no sign of any survivors. Jack found a Cerberus terminal with a recorded video message that documented that some of the scientists had begun taking and analyzing samples of the reaper and that those scientists had started acting differently only a few hours afterward.

"Do you think that they were starting to feel the effects of indoctrination?" Garrus asked.

Shepard nodded and waved her pistol toward the door. "Possibly. Let's get inside the reaper and see if any of the scientists are still in there."

Her two companions agreed and they made their way to the airlock. Just as they did, the whole ship shook.

Shepard keyed her radio. "Joker, what was that?"

"You're not going to believe this Commander. The reaper just put up some sort of kinetic barrier. I don't think it's a 'derelict' as the Illusive Man thought. It's blocking the rest of us from getting to either ship."

"Great. I suppose it's also preventing us from leaving."

"I have detected a spike in its energy fields," EDI cut in, "which have allowed me to find the location of the core. If you can get to it and shut down the generators that are keeping the reaper alive, then you can get out."

"Sounds straight forward enough."

"There is a catch," Joker said solemnly. "EDI says that shutting down the generator will also take down the mass effect shields that are keeping the thing in orbit. You won't have long to get out before it slides into the brown dwarf."

"It's never easy, is it? All right Joker. Keep the comm open and we'll let you know of our progress."

"Aye, aye Commander."

They plunged further into the reaper in search of the core. Every now and then they would stumble along another terminal, each recording suggesting that the scientists were slipping farther under the control of indoctrination.

The reaper continued to groan and settle around them, and in between that, another sickening sound floated to the party's ever vigilant ears; the sound of husks. Soon they were surrounded. For every three husks they killed, it seemed that six scrambled to take their place.

A couple of shots rang out and two husks fell. Shepard whipped her head around to thank Garrus for his excellent sniper work and was astonished to find him standing right beside her.

"If that wasn't you, then who was it?" she asked. He shrugged his shoulders and hit an advancing husk with the butt of his rifle.

"Maybe it's a survivor from the scientist ship," he called back.

"Great," Jack muttered. "If it is, they're probably after us too. I wouldn't put it past this thing to tell the scientists to attack us."

"If those scientists haven't already been turned into husks," mused Garrus.

"We won't know until we find them," Shepard said. "Come on."

They continued to fight their way through the husks and abominations on their way to the bridge. Even a scion, that creepy insect looking collector that they first encountered on Horizon, wasn't enough to slow them down. Eventually they reached the door and pushed through it.

Just as Shepard entered the room a bullet whizzed past her head. But she was not the intended target. The husk that would have attacked her collapsed to the ground in a heap. She looked up in the direction of the shot and made eye contact with a geth. She immediately held up her assault rifle, but it just stood there, staring.

"Shepard Commander," it spoke in a robotic tone that was oddly melodic. Then it disappeared.

"What the hell?" Shepard cocked her head.

"Friend of yours?" Jack quipped.

She looked back at Garrus and Jack, a look of utter confusion clearly etched upon her face. They didn't have time to ponder the bizarre situation however. A fresh round of husks and another scion steadily made their way toward them. By the time they finished them off, they were all exhausted. They limped up the corridor, where they found another terminal and discovered that the team was able to get the IFF. Now all they needed to do was destroy the generator and lower the shields so they could get the hell off the ship.

When they reached the last room they were surprised to see the mysterious geth standing near the console that would access the generator. It looked up in time to shoot a husk that tried to run up on it, but it was quickly overcome.

Shepard motioned for Garrus and Jack to spread out to try and neutralize the hordes while she tried to override the core. The shield opened, revealing the generator behind it, but to her dismay, the shield would only stay open for a few seconds.

"How are you two doing?" she shouted to her crew. Garrus grunted.

"Just fucking peachy Shepard!" Jack yelled back. "You plan on wrapping this up any time soon?"

The shield opened again behind her and she fired everything she had at it. It went like that, off and on for several rounds before she saw that the generator was finally starting to weaken.

"Fire at the core!" she commanded.

The last spark of electricity flickered and went out. The massive reaper rumbled around them and the party was nearly knocked off their feet when the whole thing lurched.

"We need to go Shepard," Garrus said urgently.

She looked down at the geth that was still lying in a pile at their feet. Even though the generator had been destroyed, dozens of husks continued to creep their way toward them.

"What do we do with this?"

"Take it with us!" Jack shouted. "We'll sort it out when we get back to the Normandy."

Shepard looked back to Garrus. "It's your call," he said. "Just be sure you know what you're getting us into."

She nodded and bent down to pick it up. Reluctantly Garrus knelt down to help her and together they ran to catch up with Jack as she cleared a path. The reaper was shaking wildly and it was an effort just to stay upright. With the core destroyed the kinetic barrier was down, allowing them to board the Normandy. They used the last of their strength to heave the geth towards the open bay door and then jumped just as the reaper was pulled into the brown dwarf. Shepard clung to the frame of the open door and watched it descend, imploding in a fiery mess as it reached crush depth. Panting, she patted Garrus on the arm and limped off to join the rest of the crew.

XXX

The crew was divided over having an active geth on board. Tali was understandably leery, but also curious. Her people had never had the opportunity to study geth in this form, especially geth that spoke and knew Shepard by name. As far as she knew, the geth had never interacted with humans before.

Miranda thought it was a perfect chance for Cerberus to learn more about the geth and encouraged Shepard to keep it on board. Jacob advised against reactivating it, saying that they just couldn't be trusted and what was to stop it from taking out the whole team once it was back online.

In the end, it was Shepard who made the decision to activate it, more out of curiosity than fear. And in doing so she discovered a truly unique gem. It seemed that this geth, even though it referred to itself in the collective, thereby earning the name Legion from EDI, seemed to have a mind and personality of its own. When Shepard queried it as to why it wore a piece of her old N7 armor, it merely stated that it had a breach and needed to be repaired. But the way it flared the metal plates along the top of its "head" suggested otherwise.

It also told her that there was a rift between the main geth and what it called "heretics", the geth who had chosen to follow Saren. The heretics were those responsible for lashing out and attacking humans. They had been tasked with studying the "Old Machines" and had decided to worship them. The rest of the geth had disagreed with the reapers, giving Shepard insight into their way of thinking and she concluded that the geth must have a higher degree of free will than originally thought.

Legion informed her that the heretics planned to unleash a virus that would corrupt the rest of the geth to the reapers way of thinking. It gave her the coordinates to Heretic Station and asked if she would check it out. EDI, as intrusive as ever, popped up in the AI core at that moment and told Shepard that the IFF has been integrated with the Normandy's systems and she would need time to test it out. She suggested that she take the whole squad with her to Heretic Station and by the time they returned it would be ready to go.

Shepard quickly agreed and they departed. Even though it was strange to see a geth attack its own, the mission was a great success. She was able to rewrite the virus and use it against the heretics to severe the ties between them and the reapers. After a particular tense moment when they needed to escape the station before a powerful EMP was released, they boarded the shuttle and started back for the Normandy.

Shepard radioed back to Joker but wasn't able to get him or EDI on the comm.

"Shepard," Joker responded. He sounded out of breath.

"Finally, Joker. What took you so long?"

There was a long silence and suddenly a knot formed in her stomach.

"There's been a situation," he said in a grave voice that completely lacked his usual spunk. "You need to get back here ASAP."

Before the shuttle had even touched down in the cargo hold Shepard was out the door, Miranda, Jacob, and Garrus close behind her. She punched the button on the elevator repeatedly, willing it to go faster. As soon as it reached the second deck she burst through the door. The CIC was empty. The knot that started in her stomach rose to her throat. Where was the crew?

A thorough search of the surrounding rooms turned up nothing. Everyone was gone. As she ran past the debriefing room to check the tech lab, the door slid open, revealing Joker sitting on the edge of the conference table with his head in his hands.

"Joker?"

He raised his head, sorrow and devastation dripping from his normally smug features. She slowly entered the room and walked toward him.

"What happened?"

"The collectors…" he faltered, still reeling from everything. "They ambushed us. They took everybody."

EDI's blue orb popped up. "Mr. Moreau was able to save the Normandy Commander, but not before the entire crew was abducted."

"Yeah," he said absently. "EDI was great; she took over the whole ship."

"So let me get this straight," Miranda said, coming into the room behind her. "You let them cart off with the whole crew?"

Joker put his head back in his hands.

"This isn't Joker's fault," Shepard said, sending Miranda a pointed look.

"There was an error in the IFF," EDI explained. "It started broadcasting our location to the collectors almost as soon as we activated it. There was no way we could have known."

"You did great, both of you."

"What do we do now Commander?" Jacob asked. He and Garrus were standing in the door frame, quietly listening to the exchange.

She gazed at her feet for a moment before looking from him to Joker. "We set a course for the Omega 4 relay and attack those bastard's on their home turf. You okay Joker?" He nodded. "Good. Let's go get our crew back!"

He slid off the table. "Aye Commander. It shouldn't take long to get there."

She brushed past Jacob and Garrus and stepped out into the hallway. She could hear footsteps behind her and quickened her own steps to reach the elevator before anyone else could stop her.

Once she was safely tucked away in her own quarters she quietly removed her armor, letting the pieces fall heavily to the floor. She didn't bother picking them up. Around her the cabin mirrored her thoughts; silent, empty, depressing. Her fish tank had been drained of its water and now was just a dark spot on her wall.

"Why?" she screamed to the open air, bringing her fist down hard on the desk. The force of the blow shook the screen of her terminal. Kelly's bubbly voiced echoed in her head. She hung her head, the stray strands of her dark hair clouding her vision, before she knelt down in front of the desk, letting it rest on the edge. Twice more she pummeled her fist on the hard surface. "I'm so sorry!"

"It's not your fault."

She whirled around to see Garrus standing in the doorway. She hadn't heard him come in. He must have been the one behind her in the hallway.

"It's no more your fault than it is Joker's," he continued, taking a step toward her.

She shook her head and turned to walk down the stairs where she paced back and forth in front of the bed, alternating between running her hands through her hair and flinging them up in the air.

"Why did we have to take the entire squad with us on the mission? We didn't need them. The crew that was left weren't fighters! They were helpless! I should have been here. I could have stopped them…I could have done…_something_!"

Garrus took two long strides and placed his hands on her shoulders, halting her movements. She didn't want him to see the hurt and fear in her eyes. To her it was as good as admitting that she had failed. Instead she stared at his chest plate.

"We'll get them back," he assured her. "We've gone up against worse than this and you always manage to come out swinging."

She shrugged out of his grasp and sat on the bed with a dejected sigh. "Sometime I think you have way too much faith in me Garrus."

He leaned all of his weight back on one foot and folded his arms. "No, I don't think so. You're one of the strongest women I know. Hell Shepard, the collectors killed you once and all it did was piss you off. They have no idea the force they've tampered with. Remember how we beat the hell out of Harkin?"

"Well, the bastard had it coming," she chuckled with a small smile.

"See. It'll be all right."

Taking a deep breath she nodded and stood up. He was right. There was no use wallowing about what had happened. It was better to take her anger and channel it into defeating the collectors. She dusted her hands off on her hips and then folded her arms across her chest.

"Thanks. I needed that."

"Anytime Shepard."

"Nikole."

"What?"

"That's my name. Nikole."

He looked at her strangely for a minute, the green flecks darkening around his pupils.

"I-I never got the chance to thank you for bringing me up here and taking care of me that night," she stammered. Suddenly she was very self conscious and the palms of her hands began to sweat. "It was very sweet."

"Uh, sure." His mandibles flared several times and he rolled his shoulders awkwardly, stretching the muscles in his neck. "It was no problem. I should probably go check out things in the main battery, see if it sustained any damage."

"Garrus…" She reached for him and laid a hand on his arm. He looked down shyly, averting his eyes from her. "I'm scared. I'm scared of what we're going up against, of what we'll find, afraid that we might not get to the crew in time." She raised her hand and gently ran her fingers along the edge of his bandage. Slowly he brought his eyes up to meet hers. "But mostly, I'm terrified of losing you."

He raised his left hand and settled it hesitantly on her upper arm.

"I've had a lot of things go wrong in my life," he whispered, his strong, deep voice cracking with barely concealed emotion. "I just want one thing to go right."

Her heart ached for him and all the disappointment he'd suffered. She longed to reach out and hold him, but didn't. The moment was too precious to do something that might screw it up.

"There's nobody else in the universe I respect more than you…I-I mean, I haven't thought of anyone but you…crap! I'm not good at this Shepard. I'm walking into unknown territory here."

She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around his waist, bringing her hot cheek to rest against the cool metal of his chest plate. She felt his arms encircle her tightly and let out a contented sigh.

"I don't want this to be a fling," she said, keeping her eyes closed so she could relish the feeling of him holding her. "I care about you. I never want to do anything that makes you uncomfortable."

He nuzzled his face in her hair and then placed his cheek on the top of her head. "Uncomfortable? With you? No. Nervous, yeah. But never uncomfortable."

She pulled back so she could look up at him. "I'll wait as long as it takes."

He smiled and brought his forehead down to touch hers.

"Commander, we're approaching the Omega 4 relay." Joker announced over the intercom.

Shepard was beginning to think that he and EDI just enjoyed spying on her. She sighed with annoyance and walked up the stairs to the speaker by her terminal. "Okay, I'll be there in a minute."

She bent down to collect the pieces of armor she had taken off and dropped on the floor and soon she was fully dressed for combat once again. She gazed back at Garrus and motioned for him to follow her out into the hall. But just as she walked through the doorway, he grabbed her hand and hauled her back to him. He placed one taloned hand over the smooth armor on her back and tenderly cupped her cheek with the other before he brought his lips down to meet her own. His skin was surprisingly soft and although the kiss itself didn't last long, it certainly hadn't lacked in intensity.

He grinned and let go of her, leaving her dazed and standing in the hallway while he stepped into the elevator and held the doors open for her. A wide smile spread across her face and she shook her head, joining him. While he pressed the button for the second deck, she leaned back against the wall and folded her arms. She was ready for anything now.


	7. To Hell and Back

**A/N: **I have been working on this chapter for quite a while. At first, I thought that it wasn't going to be long enough, but the more I worked on it, the longer it got. Eventually I made the decision to cut it into two pieces and post the chapters consecutively. As with the previous chapters, I have altered some of the events to better suit my plotline. There are a few things hidden in here that will play into the story later. Hang in there. ~J

* * *

"There you are!" Joker said as Shepard entered the cockpit with Garrus close behind her. The tone of his voice was fraught with anxiety. He had a good reason to be stressed though. No ship had ever returned from the Omega 4 relay.

Glowing a sinister red it loomed before them ominously, twice as large as any of the other relays they travelled through consistently. Shepard knew there was a chance that they wouldn't come back. She had helped every member of her crew settle their differences and make peace with things before they obtained the IFF. She took a deep breath. She was glad that she finally gathered enough nerve to tell Garrus how she felt.

She looked back at him and he smiled.

"Okay Joker, take us through," she instructed.

He nodded and continued toward the relay. As they drew closer the Normandy was captured in its massive energy field.

"The IFF has been detected," EDI said, "and our signal has been accepted."

In the blink of an eye the energy field blasted them countless light years away. But when the Normandy reappeared at the new destination, it was immediately besieged with debris from hundreds of other ships that had tried to enter the Omega 4 relay and failed. Joker, muttering a string of curses, nimbly avoided the jagged pieces that would have torn the hull apart. The rapid deceleration knocked Shepard and Garrus off their feet.

"Look at that," Joker whispered.

The cockpit grew quiet as they looked out the window at the scattered remnants of the ships. Trapped in zero gravity, the shards floated, suspended forever in a red-hued graveyard. They didn't have time to ponder the implications though, because EDI soon informed them that there was a breach in the engineering deck.

"Good job Joker," Shepard said, patting him lightly on the shoulder. Then she motioned to Garrus and together they went to investigate.

As it turned out, there were a handful of menacing orbs that had detected the Normandy and as it flew through the debris field, for whatever reason, despite the IFF, had identified it as an intruder. Joker did his best, weaving around the wreckage in evasive maneuvers, but by the time Shepard and Garrus, along with Grunt arrived on the engineering deck, one of them had already broken through the hull. And just as they destroyed the first one, a second orb found its way in.

"You'd better get back up here Commander," Joker radioed as the second orb exploded and crashed to the metal floor of the cargo hold. "We're almost through the debris field."

Shepard raced back to the cockpit while Garrus and Grunt returned to their posts. She was joined by Miranda, who was leaning against the door frame with her arms folded across her chest when she walked in.

"It appears that we've found the collector base," she told her, pushing off the wall and stepping up beside Shepard.

"Joker, see if you can get us any closer without drawing attention."

No sooner had the words come out of her mouth then a massive ship broke away from the collector base, a ship that she had seen several times before and would recognize almost anywhere.

Joker shared her thoughts and voiced his concern. "Shit, looks like we've got an old friend and it intends to pay us a visit."

Shepard stared at the collector ship that was responsible for destroying the old Normandy, the very same ship which had abducted the colonists on Horizon and had attacked and taken her crew while she was away, and her eyes narrowed with hatred.

"Not if I can help it," she vowed. "Joker, give 'em everything we've got."

"Aye, aye Commander," Joker said, eager to give the collectors a taste of their own medicine.

He rushed toward the ship, barely avoiding the beam that had torn apart the other Normandy, and fired the main gun. It sliced through the collector ship's defenses for a direct hit.

"How about that?" Joker screamed at it. "This ought to teach you!"

He fired the gun again and once more the attack hit its mark. The ship ignited with small explosions leading to bigger ones. Joker pulled away, but wasn't fast enough to escape the blast radius. The shock wave rocked the Normandy, throwing the mass effect field generators offline.

"EDI!"

"The generators are unresponsive Jeff. Brace for impact."

"Shit!"

The Normandy pivoted and shifted, colliding with the debris. The hull and port side sustained extensive damage before it came to rest roughly on the collector base. The metal groaned around it as it settled. Inside the cockpit, several of the electrical components were damaged, showering them with sparks.

Shepard pushed herself off the floor and limped over to Joker. "Are you okay?"

"Fine," he winced, grabbing his ribs.

"We all knew this could be a one way trip," Miranda sighed pessimistically.

"EDI, give me a status report!" Shepard ordered, ignoring Miranda for the moment.

"There were several core systems that were damaged in the attack. It will take me time to fix them."

"How long until the collector's find us?"

"I do not detect an internal security system. Perhaps the collectors never counted on anyone reaching the base. We should be safe here."

Shepard turned back to Miranda, who had continued to pace around the cockpit. "I don't intend to throw my life away here on some collector base and neither is my crew! Assemble the squad and we'll work out a plan to infiltrate while Joker and EDI work on getting the Normandy back to operating condition."

Miranda smiled, a little of her anxiety eased.

The whole crew was waiting for her when she got to the debriefing room. Some were readying weapons while some were huddled small groups talking. Garrus held her gaze as she walked in. Just looking into his deep blue eyes gave her the strength to say what she did next.

"I know this mission hasn't started out like we planned, but we can't be distracted by worrying if the Normandy will be able to get us out of here. Regardless of the way we ended up here, our mission is to stop the collectors and we need to come up with a plan to attack their base."

EDI pulled up a schematic of the collector base and pinpointed where the station's weak spot was. She was also able to locate the central chamber in which the Normandy crew and the colonists were being held.

"We can send a team in through here," Shepard said, holding her finger up to the holographic image. "We'll need to send someone with tech experience in to unlock the doors. Legion, this is where you come in." She dropped her hand and turned around to face the crew. "It would be a good idea for the rest of us to split up into two separate teams. This way we'll provide a distraction for the collectors and have a better chance of getting to the crew and the colonists. Garrus," she said with some difficulty, "I need you to lead the second team. You're expertise in tactics and proficiency with heavy weapons and sniper rifles makes you the perfect choice. Everyone else, split up and move out!"

She watched as the crew separated into the two teams and readied their weapons. As they filed out she noticed that Garrus had hung back. She had seen the look on his face when she asked him to lead the second team and knew that what was coming next wasn't going to be easy. In many ways she was glad that she told him how she felt before everything went to hell in a hand basket, but now she was afraid that worrying about each other might interfere with them doing their jobs and could possibly get them both killed.

But instead of grilling her over the decision she made, he simply took her in his arms and held her. "Please be careful," he whispered in her ear.

"I will." She wanted that statement to sound stronger than it did, but she couldn't help thinking that it might be the last time she would feel his arms around her. The thought made her sick inside and she quickly pulled away before she could change her mind. The mission must succeed, above all else.

The two teams left the Normandy; Thane, Jacob, Jack, Kasumi and Samara went with Garrus while Tali, Grunt, Miranda, Zaeed, and Mordin went with Shepard. Once inside the base it didn't take long for the collectors to become aware of their presence. Both teams were immediately besieged with obstacles and heavy fire. On top of all that, Legion reported back to Shepard saying that the tunnels in which he was crawling through to open the doors were sweltering with hot, dense air that, if not promptly ventilated would force his systems to shut down. In order to keep him "alive" she needed to locate pressure valves that would release the air and allow him to continue on.

The collectors were relentless in their attacks. At times Shepard just barely made it to the next valve in time, but finally Legion was able to unlock all the doors that would grant her access to the central chamber. Garrus and his team were right behind them, barely managing to squeeze through as they collectors send a torrent of gunfire their way.

"Shepard quickly, you've got to see this."

Shepard broke into a run and jogged down the walkway to see what had Miranda in a twist. She stopped short when she saw the young woman contained in the pod immediately in front of them. She looked oddly familiar and it took a minute for her to realize that she had seen her before on Horizon.

"It's the colonists…"

She stepped closer to examine the container. As she did so the pretty brunette's eyes opened.

"They're still alive."

"The crew from the Normandy is here too!" Jacob called to her.

Shepard sighed with relief. She'd found them. The thought scarcely had time to form in her mind before the tank in front of her made a strange gurgling sound. The look on the woman's face turned to one of panic and she began to pound on the glass. Shepard and the rest of the team watched in horror as the air was sucked from the tank, disintegrating the poor girl in the process, until all that was left was the blood stained glass.

Suddenly, similar sounds could be heard as the other tanks were purged of air.

"Get them out!"

Frantically the squad beat on the glass with their hands and the butts of their rifles, smashing at the electronic control panels, trying anything that would open the pods and release those being kept prisoner inside. One by one the tanks opened. Dr. Chakwas was the last to be freed. She fell limply into Shepard's arms. She carefully sank to the floor and waited while Dr. Chakwas regained her senses.

"Thank god you made it in time," Dr. Chakwas said, slowly standing. "I don't want to think about what would have happened if you hadn't come when you did."

Shepard looked around at the crew, grateful that it hadn't taken them any longer to get there. They looked tired and disoriented, but the happiness of still being alive shone clearly on their faces. Everyone from the Normandy was accounted for, although she couldn't say the same for the colonists of Horizon and she felt guilty that she hadn't been able to save them all.

"What was that? What happened to her?" Miranda voiced the question that was on everyone's mind.

Dr. Chakwas shook her head sadly. "The colonists were puréed and sucked through those tubes." All eyes went to the ceiling where hundreds of tubes protruded from the broken tanks, strung along by hooks until they disappeared through holes in the walls to an unknown location. "I watched it all happen."

"If we follow those tubes, maybe we can find out what they go to and what they're using us for," Shepard said.

EDI's voice came over the comm. "The tubes lead into the central control center Shepard. The door to the corridor is locked, but there is a path that runs parallel. However, I wouldn't strongly advise against it. My scans indicate that there is an abundance of seeker swarms, far more than the effectiveness of Mordin's counter measure could handle."

"We're in no condition to fight Commander," Kelly said quietly.

Joker quickly cut in, "Commander, we have managed to get some of the Normandy's systems operational. We can't go in with guns blazing, but we could pick up the crew if we landed far enough back."

"We don't have time to go back! Not now!" Miranda protested.

"You won't make it if you go alone," Shepard said grimly. "Mordin, you will accompany the crew back to the Normandy. It will be helpful to have two doctors there to evaluate everybody."

Mordin straightened. "Will do Shepard." He immediately radioed Joker to get the location of the pickup.

"How do you propose we get through the seeker swarms?" Garrus asked quietly.

Shepard suddenly remembered certain times during the missions when Liara would create a barrier using her biotics to keep them from harm, and wondered out loud if it might be possible to do the same thing with this situation.

"My biotics were engineered to be the best. I'll do it," Miranda hastily volunteered.

"Slow down cheerleader," Jack countered. "Any biotic can do that. It's easy. And I've seen your biotics. They're seriously lacking."

Weeks of contention between the two of them exploded and quickly turned into a colorful yelling match. Shepard had to wedge herself between the two of them before one of them took a swing at the other. Jack lashed out, slinging taunts that she could take Miranda down on any day of the week.

"That's enough!" Shepard reprimanded. "Save it for the collectors! We can't expect to beat them if we don't work as a team."

Jack backed down, but continued to glare hatefully in Miranda's direction.

"Samara, can you create a biotic field large enough to get us through?" Shepard asked.

"Not one big enough for the entire crew, but I could shield a small party," she replied in her soft elegant voice.

"Shepard, if you take a small team through the pathway, the rest of us can hunker down here and create a diversion until you can open the main door," Miranda said in a take charge tone. Shepard chose to ignore the fact that once again, Miranda was trying to control the situation. "Who do you want to stay here and who do you want to lead the diversion team?

"Garrus," she replied without hesitation. Then she looked at him directly. "We'll radio when we're on the other side of the door."

He nodded and reloaded his sniper rifle.

Knowing that it was probably wise to keep Jack and Miranda apart for the moment, she asked Jack to accompany her, Samara, and Grunt through the tunnels.

Not only did the team have to contend with the collectors, but this time they were joined by husks and abominations as well. They had no problem penetrating the biotic field designed to prevent the seeker swarms from getting to them, and it was difficult to keep Samara protected while trying to keep everything else at bay.

Soon Shepard had exhausted her supply of thermal clips and had to scavenge around the edge of the barrier for any that the collectors might have dropped. Samara was growing weaker with every step and she worried that she might not be able to sustain the field for much longer. Shepard could see the door in the distance and yelled back to her in encouragement.

"We're almost there!"

Not a moment too soon either, she thought as she raced to the door. She looked back in time to see Samara gather the last of her strength. The barrier doubled in size and then dissipated in a giant shock wave that heaved the remaining collectors and husks across the room.

She walked in to the next chamber calmly and touched a finger to her ear. "Garrus, what's your twenty?"

The air between them pulsed with static. Finally he answered, "We're at the door. They've got us pinned down."

"Hurry," she said, pointing at the door on the opposite side of the chamber.

"We're taking heavy fire! We're going to need assistance soon Shepard!"

"Go, go, go! We have to move now!"

Jack and Grunt rushed to the other door along with Shepard while Samara headed for the panel that would allow her to override the controls. They could hear the muffled shouts and rapid gunfire behind the massive steel door.

Slowly the heavy doors parted, allowing Shepard to see that the band had been pushed up against it and the collectors were swiftly closing in. As soon as it was open far enough she waved them through while she and Grunt laid down suppressive fire.

"Samara, get this door closed!" she yelled as she cut through a collector. It was a small victory though, as the rest of the collectors edged closer with each passing second.

Grunt ceased firing, pointing his muzzle in the air as he stepped aside to make room for Shepard to move out of the way. She continued to send a barrage of bullets in the collector's direction until there was only a crack left between the doors. Judging that it was safe to stop, she stood up and turned her attention back to the crew.

She seen it out of the corner of her eye and knew, even before she had time to react, what was coming. Just as the doors shut, two bullets zigzagged through the opening. The pain was immediate, scorching hot and needle-like in intensity. The force from the blows sliced through her shields and spun her around, blurring her vision. Before she could even take a breath, she hit the ground.

"_Shepard!"_

She heard voices around her, the voices of her crew raised in alarm and concern, but one among them stood out. He called her name again and then she sensed him at her side. Her face felt like it was on fire and pain exploded just below her right shoulder when he rolled her over onto her back. She winced and sucked in a ragged breath. Garrus's sigh of relief was palpable. But the look on his face offered little comfort.

"Where else are you hurt?" he asked urgently.

In her dazed state his words sounded muddled, distant. She clamped her eyes shut and opened them in an effort to stop the ringing in her ears and clear her head. As her vision returned to normal she saw Kasumi hovering behind him holding medi-gel, a worried frown on her tattooed lips.

"Where are you hurt?" Garrus repeated.

She slowly raised her left hand but he grabbed her wrist before she could place it on her cheek.

"The bullet grazed the side of your face. It's deep, but it's just a flesh wound."

She nodded in understanding and gestured to the other place that was screaming with pain. "My shoulder," she wheezed.

He leaned forward, sliding his hands underneath her and gently pulled her closer to him into a sitting position. He insisted on removing her chest plate, ignoring her protests that they didn't have time to waste, so that he could examine the wound and administer some medi-gel. Underneath, her white and gray Cerberus uniform was steadily soaking up the blood.

"I swear," she muttered, staring at the stain that was growing larger on her chest. "I can never keep this damn thing clean."

"This isn't funny Shepard," he said, his eyes full of reproach.

He probed the wound with his fingers, quickly locating the bullet. With Mordin and Dr. Chakwas gone, she had no choice but to allow him to dig it out with his talons. It hurt like hell, quickly chasing the newfound air from her lungs once again. She gasped and seized his arms, squeezing the cold armor in an attempt to channel the throbbing.

"I'm fine," she assured him when he froze.

He slathered the medi-gel over the wound. Almost at once she felt the sharp sting start to subside. She readjusted her uniform and got to her feet. Garrus, who had kept a hand on her elbow to keep her steady, handed her the chest plate with a frown.

"It's not like I haven't been through worse," she said with a wry smile, trying to ease the tension.

The rest of the crew had started to disperse and most had turned their attention to look over the large chamber. Shepard moved to join them but Garrus stopped her.

"I'm not leaving your side again," he said, his voice low and threatening. "So don't ask me to."

His dark blue eyes were riveted on her, his expression somber. But beneath the tough façade she could see just how worried he'd been in those moments. How could she tell him that laughing it off and making jokes was her way of not letting the crew know just how truly scared she was? The collectors had proved stronger than she had anticipated and she had not counted on the Normandy taking a hit and crashing or having to split up her team. It wasn't easy to remain strong and level-headed with so many lives contingent upon her success. But she couldn't lose it now, not when they were so close.

"Okay," she whispered, squeezing his hand lightly before joining the rest of the squad. "EDI, where do we go from here?"

The AI patiently explained that they could get to the control console by navigating a series of platforms, where they could overload the system, thereby destroying the base. Afterward, she mentioned that Mordin and the rest of the Normandy crew had made it abroad with no casualties.

The sounds of agitation grew louder from behind the sealed door and Shepard knew it wouldn't take long before the collector's were able to hack the panel and gain access to them. She climbed onto one of the higher platforms and made a decision.

"If we leave a small team behind, they could hold this position and keep the collector's from rushing us as we try to overload the base." She nodded and Garrus and Miranda both joined her on the raised dais.

"Very well Shepard," Thane said. "We'll hunker down here until you give the order."

With everyone clear on what they needed to do, Shepard, Miranda, and Garrus made their way to the platforms that would take them to the heart of the base. As with everything else, their movement was quickly detected and it wasn't long before they were swarmed with collectors. Just as they finished off a batch on one platform, another floated into place next to it, each with filled with fresh resistance. Garrus and Miranda brought up the rear while Shepard crouched near the front of the platform and delivered fire in a 'spray and pray' pattern.

Harbinger was relentless, possessing a new body each time they managed to take it down. At one point Shepard found herself completely surrounded. She whirled around and jumped over the raised platform that they'd been using for cover, ejecting the heat sink from her Mattock heavy assault rifle while reaching for another thermal clip. But she was dismayed to find that the constant onslaught had depleted her supply. She was in the process of switching to her pistol when Garrus's concussive shot rang out and the collector in front of her staggered backwards, tripping off the edge of the platform. She touched two fingers to her brow in a salute and he grinned, tossing her a thermal clip.

Finally they finished off the last collector. The platforms around them were eerily quiet. Shepard holstered her weapon and inspected the console that stood at the very front of the far most platform. The structure groaned and shook, immediately disengaging from the rest of the platforms. It coast through the air, weaving through the tunnel on its way to some unknown destination.

"EDI, can you tell where we're headed?"

"The platform seems to be following the tubes. According to my readings, they are feeding into some sort of a structure."

Off in the distance, a massive figure appeared out of the shadows. Shepard squinted to see it clearly just as EDI uttered a passage that made the blood freeze in her veins.

"Shepard…it's a reaper!"


	8. Bad Company

**A/N: **Here is the second part, as promised. I had fun writing this one. After this, the story will venture into unknown territory. And you thought it was over right? (Laughs maniacally) Anyway, I borrowed the title for this chapter from the song and band by the same name. You'll see why it's so perfect as you read. A word of warning though, there is some coarse language throughtout. Take heed.

Continued thanks and appreciation must go out to everyone that has read, marked and alert, or reviewed! I've been getting some lovely feedback. ~J

* * *

The platform settled the three of them roughly underneath the ominous and fear-inspiring structure. The reaper was suspended in the air by four glass tubes that were injecting orange-red liquid into it at regular intervals.

Shepard stared up at it, dread settling into the pit of her stomach. "A _human_ reaper," she breathed into the comm.

It was clear that the reaper hadn't been under construction for long. So far only the head, shoulders, arms, and ribcage were complete, leaving its spine dangling in the air beneath it, connected to nothing. Again, the tubes emptied the liquid into the being.

"What's in the tubes?" she asked the AI.

"It appears that the collectors have been harvesting humans in order to facilitate the production of this reaper. I do not have enough data to speculate on precisely why, although it could be that the species used to create the reaper defines its shape."

A shudder ran up Shepard's spine. All of the colonists that had been abducted were being used to construct that monstrosity. "How many more humans will it take for that thing to be complete?" She was almost afraid to hear the answer.

"Millions," EDI replied gravely. "Quite possibly more than that. It is obvious that it is in the very early stages of development."

"I don't understand why the collectors are helping them. They're just protheans." Garrus said. He had his sniper rifle resting lightly on his shoulder and was looking up at the reaper with disgust.

"The reapers used the protheans as pawns, engineered them into what they are now. They exist now only to do their bidding."

"Is it…alive?" Shepard asked.

"I am unable to tell you if it has awareness or not."

"Fine. I don't really think I want to know anyway. How do we kill it?"

"The tubes hanging from the ceiling appear to be a structural weakness. In theory, if you destroy those, the reaper should fall into the cavity below."

"That's easy enough. I'll take great pleasure sending this thing back into the pits of Hell!"

"Uh, Shepard," Miranda said, tapping her on the shoulder. "We have company."

She followed Miranda's gaze to the dozen or so collectors that were headed toward them on yet another platform.

"Fuck."

They were running out of thermal clips and despite their best efforts, were starting to feel the effects of fatigue. She didn't know how long they would last against a fresh bunch. They needed a plan, one that would allow them to take out the reaper while keeping the new collectors at a distance.

"Garrus," she said, pointing to the disturbing skeleton, "we'll lay down cover fire while you take out those tubes!"

"You got it!"

Shepard and Miranda took point; leaving Garrus crouched behind the raised edges in the middle of the platform. Together they managed to keep the collectors on the distant platform. A shot from Garrus's sniper rifle rang out and seconds later shards of shattered glass rained down upon them. The massive machine lurched and sagged as he hit the second tube on its left side. Shepard took her eyes off the fight to look at the display just long enough for a collector to advance upon her. She struck it with the butt of her rifle just as Garrus fired a third shot, and as it stumbled backward she savagely kicked it off the ledge. Miranda had the advantage of biotics on her side, sending a powerful wave of energy into the middle of a group.

The thunderous and terrible groan of twisting metal ground the fight to a halt. Completely detached from its supports the monstrosity fell, smacking against the edge of the platform as it plummeted into the empty crevasse below. Shepard jumped to escape the falling debris of steel and hoses, landing roughly on her stomach. She flipped around to her back and propped herself up on her elbows. Miranda was bent over, hands on her thighs as she tried to regain her breath. She stood up slowly and nodded in satisfaction to the Commander.

Shepard pushed to her feet and strode over to the console with new purpose. Quietly she pulled the core from the floor beneath her and knelt down to examine it. As she was doing so, Joker came over the comm with news that the Illusive Man wished to speak with her.

Aggravated at his timing and implications that she couldn't finish a job without his input, she begrudgingly told the pilot to patch him through. Miranda took out her omni-tool and projected his orange holographic image before them.

"Well done Shepard," he congratulated her.

"I didn't do it alone," she retorted, focusing on the collection of motherboards and wires in front of her. "I'm part of a team and they worked their asses off to help me."

"This is our chance to gain an edge over the reapers. A blast of radiation timed just right would wipe out what is left of the collectors but preserve their base. It is a great opportunity for humanity."

"Humanity? Or Cerberus?" she countered, angling back to look at the image.

"Both," he said without missing a beat. "This knowledge could save us."

"What they were doing here is wrong. They sacrificed human lives and liquefied them to feed that machine. I can't condone that. We need to obliterate this place and destroy their technology so that it can never be used again."

"Shepard, don't be a fool!"

"No. It's going too far!"

"Some might have said that rebuilding you was going too far, but that didn't stop us because we saw the value in what you had to offer. If we hadn't taken that chance, you wouldn't have been here to stop the collectors."

"Don't lay your guilt trips on me!" she spit back, rising to her feet. She approached the glowing reflection of the man whose motives she really never understood – until now. "I give you this information, the next thing you'll tell me is you want to create your own reaper. Well I'm not going to be a part of it! We've gone up against them in the past and we'll do it again, without their technology. I'm going to blow this base sky high!"

She turned her back on him and returned to the core.

"Miranda," he pleaded. "Don't let her do something stupid!"

Miranda hesitated, looking from him to where Shepard was hunched over the mess of wires. Finally she said," I have to agree with Shepard. We're playing with fire and its going to burn us all."

"I will not tolerate your insubordination!" he shot back. "I gave you an order."

"I noticed." She paused. "I quit."

Before he could protest any further, she cut the link to the signal and the image disappeared. Shepard hid a smile. Ever since the beginning Miranda had always defended the Illusive Man. It was nice to see that even she thought his motives were flawed. But there was little time to consider the repercussions, as she had started the process to overload the core. She touched her radio to make contact with the other team.

"Thane, give me a sit rep."

"We're holding Shepard, but I think it would be best if we could retreat quickly."

"Go. We've got ten minutes to get the hell out of here before the whole thing blows. We'll meet you on the Normandy."

She stood up and dusted her hands. Just as she did so, the platform rocked violently.

"Oh…my…god," Miranda breathed.

The dais shook again as the skull of the reaper, this time with vibrant fire-like eyes, rose above the edge. One mechanical hand settled before them, followed by the other as it pulled itself up. It emitted a low, computerized groan as its mouth began to turn and swirl.

"It's never fucking easy, is it?" Shepard growled, keeping her eyes focused on the power that was being concentrated in the oral cavity.

It unleashed a fireball that quickly covered the platform, devastating their shields in one fell swoop. Not knowing what else to do, all three of them unloaded on it. Their weapons seemed to have no effect against the massive creation. It continued to charge and send a blast of fire their way.

"What the hell?" Garrus shouted in frustration.

He aimed his sniper rifle for the middle of its forehead but just as he took the shot, the platform shifted, causing the bullet to sail right into one of its eyes. It let out a blood curdling moan and flailed backward.

"Shoot the eyes!" Shepard ordered.

Garrus switched to his assault rifle and together they focused all their fire into the creature's eyes. The pupil's exploded and it swayed and fell forward, crashing heavily into the platform. In a last attempt to save itself from annihilation it reached forward with its hand to grab anything that would stop it from plunging below. The platform pitched as it slipped over the edge. The sudden jolt knocked Miranda off her feet and sent her sliding towards certain death along with it. Shepard lunged, skidding on her stomach, and threw her hand out in front for Miranda to grab hold of.

The neighboring platforms had started to shake and break apart and just as Shepard caught Miranda's outstretched hand, one platform crashed into the one they were standing on, sending it sailing through the air. They braced for impact as it hurtled into the ledge.

As the darkness receded and Shepard shook away the fog of unconsciousness, she felt something heavy pressing down on her chest. She groggily opened her eyes and found that she was pinned beneath a huge slab of rock. Gathering the last of her ebbing strength, and doing the best to ignore the incessant ache in her shoulder, she pushed the hunk of stone to one side and stood up to look around at the destruction. Miranda was lying on her side at the edge of the platform. She rushed over to her and knelt down.

"Miranda?"

Her XO moaned and opened her eyes. She smiled weakly at Shepard and raised her hand indicating that she was okay. Shepard nodded and turned around to look for Garrus. Her heart stopped. He was nowhere to be seen. She raced to the other side of the platform in a panic and cried out when she found him under a chunk of rock similar to what had been crushing her. She grit her teeth and pulled at the immense boulder, tears stinging her eyes. She managed to move it enough that she could drag him out the rest of the way.

"Garrus?" She fell to her knees and hovered over him. "Garrus!"

He opened his eyes slowly and brought a three fingered hand to his brow. "I'm all right Shepard," he assured her.

She let out a laugh of astonishment and relief and helped him to his feet just as Joker came over the comm.

"Commander where are you guys?"

"We're almost out. Did the other team make it?"

"Yeah, they just got here. Everyone is safe and accounted for."

"Good. We're on our way."

"And not a moment too soon either," Miranda said, looking behind them at the handful of collector's that had somehow managed to get the sneak on them.

"Go!" Shepard shouted. "Don't shoot, just run like hell!"

With the persistent insects hot on their heels the three of them tore through the winding hallways, dodging enemy fire as they raced for the Normandy. Shepard, against her own orders, turned back to spray them with a few spurts from her own rifle while Miranda and Garrus ran ahead. When she saw that they were safely aboard the ship she slipped the rifle into the sheath on her back and pushed herself to her physical limits to put distance between them.

The walkways and ledges rumbled and were starting collapse as the first wave of explosions from the system overload rocked the base. There was already a huge gap between her and the Normandy and she knew that if she didn't make a break for it now, the ship would be lost in the blast. Closing her eyes she said a small prayer to whoever might be listening and jumped. The chest plate of her armor smacked against the edge of the open door and Garrus quickly bent down to pull her fully on board. With seconds to go, Joker engaged the FTL drives and the Normandy rocketed away just as the base ignited into a fantastic fireball of destruction.

XXX

The crew of the Normandy, although shaken from their terrible ordeal and brush with death, greeted her warmly as she made her way from the cargo area to the CIC. The ship was in bad shape, but it was working well enough to get them where they were going and she could worry about repairs in the upcoming days. Right now she was just glad that she was back on board and that everyone had survived.

No sooner had she stepped onto the deck of the CIC then Kelly was telling her that the Illusive Man wished to speak with her. She grimaced, angry that she couldn't even take the time to thank and hug her crew for a job well done. She thought that she had made her intentions clear while they were still on the base and wasn't particularly looking forward to talking with him again.

"You're starting to make a habit out of costing me money," he barked as soon as she walked through the door.

She didn't answer him and instead looked around at the damage. Metal grates hung haphazardly from the ceiling and sparks from the exposed wiring were shooting everywhere.

"Don't ignore me Shepard! That base could have proved priceless in the upcoming war with the reapers."

She folded her arms over her chest. "If you're looking for remorse, you're looking in the wrong place. I'm not sorry over what I did. I made the right decision."

He got out of his chair and advanced toward her image, waving his cigarette around in agitation. "I should have known you wouldn't have the mettle to see things through. It was a mistake to bring you back!"

"Cerberus should have done their research before you decided to resurrect me," she hissed with measured calm. "They would have found out that I _always_ do what's in the galaxy's best interests. Maybe if you had, you would have saved some of your precious money."

"It's in your best interests to reconsider –"

"Fuck you."

She spun on her heel and made for the door.

"I own you Shepard! This is mutiny. You can't turn your back on me and expect to come out of it unscathed."

Slowly she turned back to him and narrowed her eyes. "Is that a threat?"

"Mark my words; if you walk away from me I will do everything in my power to make you regret that decision for the rest of your life!"

"Joker, lose this asshole," she said and walked out.

XXX

"I'm so glad you came for us," Kelly said, sucking back her tears. She had just given Shepard one of the longest hugs of her life. "I don't want to think about what could've…I-I'm just not thinking about it."

"You're my crew, and my friends. I couldn't leave you. Although I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried. I was scared to death," she replied. "How is everyone else doing, you know, mentally and stuff?"

"It will take some time to get over it. Maybe now that we've destroyed the collector's base we can all find some time to relax."

Shepard chewed on her lip thoughtfully. "You know, that isn't such a bad idea."

"Wait!" Kelly called as Shepard went to leave. "Did you ever speak to Garrus?"

Good ole Kelly, Shepard smiled. It was good to have her back.

"I did."

"And?"

Shepard grinned and walked away.

"You can't do that to me!" she called after her. "That's mean!"

After directing Joker to go to Illium for some much needed shore leave, Shepard took the elevator to the third deck. The main battery had sustained major damage during the crash on the collector base and all the restoration efforts so far were focused on repairing the breaches in the cargo hold. As a result, she found Garrus sitting at the table in the mess area talking with Engineer Donnelly.

"…if this experience has taught me nothing else, it's that life is too short to screw around. You just gotta go for it."

"Go for what?" she asked him with a smile. "What are you two talking about?"

"Uh, nothing," Garrus replied gruffly. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Donnelly blush. "Just male stuff. You know, like guns and shit."

"I-I've really got to get back to the engineering deck," Donnelly said, jumping up from the table. "Thanks for the talk Garrus, I'll think about what you said."

She watched as he tripped over himself trying to get to the elevator and waited until the doors closed before she sat down in the chair he'd vacated and looked at Garrus with a sardonic grin.

"Females can be interested in 'guns and shit' too, you know."

He chuckled softly and sat back in the chair. "Yeah, I know."

"So you're not going to tell me what you were talking about?"

"Nope."

"Okay." She leaned back and placed one foot on the knee of her other leg conversationally. "Be that way." She paused. "Hey, Joker will be bringing us into Illium soon and I was wondering if you'd like to join me for a drink."

With all that had happened, neither of them had had time to discuss the events that unfolded in her quarters shortly before they went through the Omega 4 relay, nor had they been able to talk about his sudden but charming bout of possessiveness when she got shot. She didn't want to rush him into anything, and had said as much, but the thought of his kiss still made her toes tingle and she couldn't help wanting to experience it again.

He studied her for a minute, his dark blue eyes resting on hers before he smiled and said, "Definitely."

"Great!" she beamed. "I-I'll just go freshen up and then I'll meet you by the airlock when we land." She stood to go and backed away from him slowly, toppling over the chair next to her in the process. She blushed and made a run for the elevator.

In her cabin she quickly discarded her armor and carefully peeled the stained uniform away from her shoulder. The medi-gel had done its job; instead of a big gaping hole the wound was starting to heal. The area around it was still swollen and bruised but a scab had started to form around the entry. Although it still hurt like hell to move it, it was something she could live with.

Naked, she moved into the bathroom room and stood in front of the mirror. The gash on her cheek was ugly but it too would heal in time. She turned her face to examine the deep, jagged line. If she was lucky, it wouldn't leave too big of a scar. She had been incredibly lucky that the scars from the cybernetic implants had healed to where you couldn't see them unless got really close. She hated that she had the implants. It made her feel like a machine, no different from the geth or the reapers. But it had been necessary in order to ensure her survival and like it or not, she was going to have to find a way to deal with them.

She showered and slipped into her tailored black uniform, vowing to shop for new clothes that didn't have the Cerberus logo on them as soon as she had the chance. She added just a touch of lipstick for color and after taking a deep breath, left to go meet Garrus.

He was standing by the airlock waiting for her, just like planned. All the other crew members had already disembarked and were now enjoying themselves in various parts of Nos Astra. He too had decided to shed his bulky armor and was wearing a dark blue uniform with silver around the collar. The color brought out the blue hue of his eyes and face paint, making his signature eye piece stand out. Just the sight of him leaning against the wall of the airlock was enough to make her smile.

"Ready?" she asked.

He pushed off and together they made their way through the trading floor to the Eternity Bar. Shepard had been there once or twice and thought that the atmosphere and the asari bartender who kept the bar were a perfect place to unwind and have some fun with Garrus. The Eternity catered to all species so there wasn't a worry about either of them feeling like an outcast, or, having to watch what they were given to drink.

So far they had made idle chitchat and she was hoping that after they'd knocked back a few, he would start to loosen up and feel comfortable around her. He had mentioned that he still didn't know what the crew would think if they saw them together, to which she had readily replied that she didn't care.

They finished climbing the stairs and rounded the corner and were just about to enter the bar when Shepard heard her name. She looked in the direction of the voice, her upbeat thoughts immediately darkening as her expression soured.

"Shepard!" Kaidan said, waving to her. He broke into a run and stopped right in front of them, blocking their entry into the establishment. His eyes roamed slowly over her body. "Wow Shepard, you're looking good."

"What do you want Kaidan?" she said flatly, folding her arms across her chest. He was the last person that she expected to see here.

"I deserve that," he said quietly. "I've been a jerk to you and I wanted you to know that I'm sorry."

Underneath her uniform her heart started to beat faster. What was it about him that made him so damn irresistible? She was over him, had gotten over him a long time ago, and yet here he was, standing right in front of her, and suddenly she was experiencing all those feeling once again.

"Can I talk to you, you know…alone?" he asked.

Beside her Garrus tensed.

"Anything you have to say to me, you can say in front of Garrus," she replied, remembering back to Horizon and the callous and embarrassing way he'd broken if off with her in front of her crew.

"Okay…" he said, swinging his eyes to the turian who all of a sudden didn't look so friendly. "I think it's great what you did to the collectors. I always knew you could do it, and I was hoping that you and I could –"

"Wait a sec. You always knew?" she scoffed. "See, in my head the story goes a little differently. For me, it was _you_ who questioned my motives in the first place. You even had to write a goddamn report on my affiliations and give it to the Alliance!"

"It wasn't like that –"

"It was exactly like that!"

"Nikki –"

"Don't call me that! I think it's convenient that you believe in me now, after I defeated the collectors, which I might add, was something I said I was going to do all along." She took a step closer to him and pointed her finger in his face. "Now that you're certain that Cerberus hasn't somehow altered my perception of things, it's okay to associate with me again? Is that it?"

Garrus's hand fell heavily on her arm. "Let it go Shepard. He's not worth it."

Kaidan's eyes traveled from his hand up to Shepard and then back over to Garrus. "You're kidding me right?" he laughed incredulously. He looked at Shepard. "Vakarian? Really?"

She caught his meaning and stiffened.

"I guess we're all allowed to go slumming once in a while, but you've really lowered your standards this time. What is it, the thought of impossible odds just make you want to bed the first thing that comes along?"

Garrus took a menacing step forward and flared his mandibles.

"You'd better keep your pet on a leash, Shepard!" he fired, although he did take a step back to distance himself from the turian.

"Watch yourself Kaidan," she warned through clenched teeth.

"What's the matter," he continued on, ignoring her threats. "Couldn't find a _real _man to satisfy you?"

Sheer rage boiled to the surface. Before Kaidan could take a breath to utter his next insult, Shepard stepped forward and threw a punch that connected squarely with jaw. He stumbled backward and hit the floor with a sickening thud. She towered over him, one foot on each side, her fist poised to deliver another blow.

"He's more of a man than you'll ever be!"

"Shepard!" Garrus called from behind her.

"How dare you question my motives…" she grabbed him by the collar.

"Shepard!"

"…and insult my integrity…" she brought her fist down, intent on striking him again.

"_Nikole!" _

The sound of her name spoken in Garrus's voice stopped her cold. Her hand froze in mid air inches from Kaidan's pretty face. Garrus slid his arm around her waist and gently pulled her off him. Kaidan remained motionless on the floor, stunned by what had just happened. Garrus wiped the errant tears of anger from the corners of her eyes and then put his arm around her, silently steering her toward the stairs that would lead back to the trading floor.

"Do you feel better?" he asked when they were out of earshot.

She sniffed and then laughed. "Yeah."

"Good." He paused and then added with a grin, "I've been wanting to do that for years!"


	9. The Touch of a Turian

**A/N: **Hello, hello everybody! I have been hard at work to bring you this next chapter. I wanted to make sure I got everything right. I really wanted to stay within the confines of the "T" rating, but to be safe, I'm elevating it. So, this chapter dances between and T+ and an M rating for adult content. Please be advised.

I received a couple comments about last chapter, and I hope I've done better at explaining things this chapter. Check it out and let me know.

* * *

Life continued on inexorably, despite the personal setbacks Shepard had suffered. While the rest of her team continued to enjoy themselves in various other locations of Nos Astra, she and Garrus went back to the Normandy. He didn't press her to talk about what happened, didn't try to change her mind into drowning her angry thoughts with alcohol, nor did he ask the questions that certainly had to be burning on his mind.

Some of the more diehard members of the crew had chosen to stay behind to start the repairs on the Normandy, a decision which left Shepard feeling immensely guilty for even attempting to have any fun and blow off steam. So when Denny approached her as they cleared the airlock, saying that he needed her assistance, she had gladly agreed and dove into the sweet busyness of work, where she wouldn't have time to mull over what had happened with Kaidan.

The familiar burn of muscles being used felt good as she worked on repairing the breach to the hull. She relished the feeling of blood rushing through her veins and the sweat beading on her brow. Eventually the rest of the crew started to matriculate in and those capable of performing physical labor quickly set to work while those who weren't slept it off in their respective quarters. Miranda particularly, had hit the bottle hard, no doubt still reeling from telling the Illusive Man to shove it. Shepard understood and she didn't mind that a quarter of her crew was so inebriated that they weren't fit for duty. They'd earned it. It wasn't everyday that she took them on a suicide mission and survived it. Hell, she had had every intention of joining them, but her plans had changed outside the Eternity Bar.

She wiped her brow, chasing that thought from her head. There was time to think about everything once the work was done. Right now she didn't want to concentrate on anything except patching the hole in the Normandy's cargo area.

Garrus had been pulled away shortly after they arrived and he and a handful of other crew members were assessing the damage done to the main battery. Shepard could tell from the look in his eyes that he was grateful, she knew he didn't much care for wandering around the Normandy's decks aimlessly because he had no where else to go. It would have driven her crazy too had she been in his shoes, so to speak.

Because of the continuous darkness of space, not to mention being in the bowels of the ship, it was hard to mark the passage of time and Shepard sensed that it was starting to get quite late. A glance at her omni-tool confirmed that chow time had long since come and gone and they were pushing well into the ten o'clock hour.

"I think that about does it for tonight," she said, dusting her hands off as she stood. "Sorry for keeping you so late, I lost track of time." She felt terrible for getting so caught up in her own work that she'd kept her small band from eating dinner, but they assured her they were fine. Maybe she could speak with Mess Sergeant Gardner and see if he could whip up something really fast.

Once she had made sure that everyone was taken care of, she limped to the elevator, eager to soak under a stream of soothing hot water. Her shoulder ached from overuse and she could feel the muscles tightening in her lower back. Just before she reached the elevator she caught a glimpse of someone going into the main battery and she could see that Garrus was still hard at work. He never did much prefer being in the crew quarters, she thought, shaking her head. She knew that he would often work until very late at night, falling into bed only when he was absolutely exhausted, and tonight would be no different.

The soft ding of a bell announced the elevator's arrival on the first deck and Shepard stepped gingerly out into the hallway. She rolled her neck and shoulders to ease some of the stiffness and walked into her cabin. Although she was physically tired from all the work she'd done on the hull, her mind was wide awake and she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep for quite a while longer.

After turning on the knobs of the shower she walked over to her terminal and flipped it on while she waited for the water to warm up. She figured it could load while she immersed herself under the hot stream and then she could slog through her messages before she went to bed.

The steady stream of water did wonders on her sore body and she stood under it, letting it pulse on the top of her head and cascade down the back of her neck until at last she could feel it start to get cold. She grabbed a towel and rubbed it vigorously over her face, taking great care to avoid her reflection and the ugly wound it showed her. Then she massaged the towel through her hair to dry off the strands and wrapped it around her body. She took a deep cleansing breath and sauntered back out into her cabin.

She flicked her eyes toward the monitor of her terminal and froze. Heading the top of her inbox was a message from the Illusive Man. _What the hell could he possibly have to say now_? she thought to herself, more than a little perturbed at his persistence and unwillingness to take a hike. She pushed the chair away from the desk and sat in it, still clutching the towel tightly around her body. She dragged her mouse over the virtual envelop and frowned at the words it displayed.

_Shepard,_

_Although you certainly don't deserve it, I'm feeling particularly charitable and figured I would give you one last opportunity to reconsider your position. I would advise you to think carefully before making your decision. You don't want to get on my bad side – it can be very hazardous to those closest to you. _

_The Illusive Man_

She sat back and blinked a few times before rereading the words on the screen. Was that a threat? Her blood slowly started to bubble with fury. He was threatening her now? She let go of the towel, not caring that it fell to her waist, leaving her top half completely exposed, and punched out a message in return.

_You can take your threats and shove them up your ass!_

She hit the send button and leaned back in her chair with satisfaction. No one was going to force her into doing anything that she didn't want to do. After a minute of fuming she gathered up her towel and marched over to her drawer to get dressed.

Her temper was violently spiraling out of control and if she hoped to sleep at all that night she was going to have to get it in check quick. So she was grateful when she spied the neck of a dark bottle peeking out from beneath her neatly folded clothes. She had completely forgotten that she had purchased a bottle of her favorite merlot and squirreled it away for a time when she could enjoy it. Suddenly she had the perfect idea on how to unwind.

There were times, on rare occasions, when she would indulge her feminine side. Though she would never admit it to the rest of her crew, she couldn't be a badass all the time. And far away from the prying and curious eyes of her team, she liked fine wine and soft music just as much as the next woman.

She set the bottle down on the coffee table in front of the couches and returned to the drawer. The night called for something a little bit more refined than the simple t-shirt and sweats that comprised her normal bedroom attire. Tucked deep underneath all her other uniforms was a silky white nightgown with spaghetti straps that flared out slightly at the bottom, which nearly touched the floor. It had a matching negligee of the same length and after slipping the nightgown over her head and luxuriating in the softness of the silk against her skin, she shrugged into it and grabbed the bottle.

Digging the cork out with her knife, she smiled at herself for not being able to completely shed her rough side, and poured the wine into the glass that sat beside the bottle on the table. She took a small sip, enjoying the flavors as it rolled around on her tongue and then walked over to the alarm clock next to her bed and switched on sound system.

Music welled up around the tiny room, the delicate refrains settling around her comfortably as she took a seat on the couch and reclined, taking a few more sips of wine. With nothing else to focus her attention on, her thoughts traveled to Kaidan and the scene outside the Eternity Bar.

It wasn't like him to sling insults like he had, and in all the time she'd known him, she had never seen him quite that angry. And to unleash on poor Garrus like he did? What was up with that? Suddenly it all became clear. She stopped, the rim of the glass resting gently on her bottom lip. Something in either Garrus's body language or the way he looked at her must have tipped Kaidan off as to how he felt about her. She shook her head. That notion was silly. He couldn't be jealous! He was seeing that doctor on the citadel…they were in _love_. She rolled her eyes disdainfully at that last part. But…what if? Could the whole reason he lashed out be because he wanted her back? Was he angry that she had moved on?

Regardless of whatever the hell he had been feeling at that moment, he deserved what he got. And she would have continued to wale on him if Garrus hadn't of pulled her off him. It was her name that finally cut through the red haze of her anger and made her come to her senses. He'd never spoken her name before, even when she took the two bullets at the collector base. He must have sensed that it was something she only told a few people. And although she would have much rather had him utter it for the first time when they were alone, it had still sounded sweet coming from his lips.

Maybe there was something to taking things slow. God knows that she hadn't had much time for romance before Kaidan came along, and she'd rushed right into a relationship with him. Sure, she had enjoyed the harmless opportunities she took to flirt with him, but in the end she knew they both weren't ready for a bigger commitment than just one night. She understood that now. And she was finally okay with it. Somehow the love she had developed for Garrus was infinitely greater because she had let it build up over time, out of a deep abiding friendship.

Fatigue, combined with the wine and the music, finally settled over her body, making her limbs and eyelids heavy. She curled her arm in so that the wine glass rested lightly on her chest and let her head fall back against the cushion. She breathed in deeply and exhaled as the voices from her sound system circled around her.

"What in the hell is that awful screeching?"

Normally, her eyes would have flown open and she would have pushed the intruder up against the far wall before they had time to blink, but the wine had dulled her senses. Instead she opened her eyes slowly to see Garrus standing in front of the table, a pained expression written all over his face. She hadn't even heard him come in and wondered how long he'd been standing there.

"It's not awful," she said evenly as she leaned forward to refill her glass. "It's…beautiful."

"I could argue that fact with you, but I won't." He folded his arms over his chest and she noticed that he had changed from the dark blue uniform he was wearing earlier into a lighter one. "What is it?"

She stood, glass still in hand, and walked over to the sound system and turned it off. "It's Aїda," she said wistfully. Then, when he continued to stare at her, she added, "It's a nineteenth century opera about a slave name Aїda who falls in love with a commander while their countries are at war. When they're found out, Radames – the commander – is sentenced to be buried alive. Instead of fleeing back to her own country, Aїda sneaks into the tomb, saying that she wishes to die in his arms rather than face life without him."

She turned back to him to gauge his reaction but he just continued to stand there, mouth slightly agape.

"Who are you and what have you done with my commander?" he asked, gazing at her scantily clad figure. She looked down and noticed that the ties of her negligee had come undone, revealing the nightgown underneath. She grabbed the sides and hurriedly tied it closed.

"If you tell anybody about this," she snapped, pointing at him, "and I do mean anybody, I'll put my pistol so far down your throat you'll be pissing lead for a week!"

He laughed, his eyes twinkling devilishly. "In that? I'd love to see you try!"

Instead of rising to his bait, she walked back over to the couch and resumed her seat. Garrus, somewhat disappointed, sat down next to her. He angled himself so that he could run one hand along the back of the couch and regarded her thoughtfully.

"So, is human love always this complicated and depressing?" he asked.

She was silent for a long moment, staring at the aquarium that still sat dormant and dark in front of her. Then she turned her head to her left and met his eyes firmly. "No. In our culture, love is something to be revered. Depending on the people involved it can be hot and passionate, or light and fun as hell, or any combination in between. It simply…is," she finished, shrugging her shoulders. It was hard describing that feeling you got when you just knew something was right.

He gave her a what her father would have called a 'shit-eatin' grin. "It sounds like it's pretty much universal. Turians experience love in much the same way." Then he added, "But it was sure fun listening to you try to explain it."

"You're such an ass," she remarked, nudging him playfully with her good shoulder.

The laughter around his eyes diminished as he grew serious. "I was worried there for a minute." Shepard paused. Suddenly he wouldn't look at her. She waited as he gathered the courage to go on. "I was actually afraid that you'd forgive Kaidan after he apologized and agree to take him back. But then again, we both know how that turned out in the end," he laughed.

His tone implied that he was trying to keep things light, but she understood what he was really trying to say. She remembered how he had tensed when Kaidan asked to speak with her alone. She'd wondered then if that's what he was thinking and that was the reason why she'd made it a point to let him stay. Admitting they had deeper feelings was difficult for both of them. They were treading in uncertain waters, neither of them knowing what to say or where to go next.

Shepard looked down at her glass, idly swirling the last dregs of her wine before she saying quietly, "You know, Aїda made the ultimate sacrifice for love. Before I never understood how someone could be willing to do that. But it all makes sense now, because I wouldn't hesitate to do the same thing for you."

She raised her glass to her lips to down the last swallow, but he gently took it from her. She followed his hand with her gaze as he set the glass on the table and then locked eyes with his when he turned back and leaned closer to her. They were dark pools of midnight blue and focused on her so intently that she found herself holding her breath.

This close he could make out the faint scars that marred her cheeks from the implants. He reached up slowly and traced one of the jagged, elevated lines and her eyes fluttered closed as the tip of his talon brushed the crest of her cheek. Then he slid his palm back to her ear and leaned forward to place his mouth over hers. While the memory their first kiss still burned brightly in her mind, it had been frenzied, shallow, and all together over too soon.

This time it was slower, if not a bit clumsy. He didn't have the ability to purse his lips like she could, giving her the impression that kissing was not something he did naturally. But that didn't stop him from tracing the outside of her lips with his tongue. She angled her head and opened her mouth to let it mingle with her own. His hand crept up into her hair and he entwined his fingers around the soft tresses, tugging slightly. She allowed him to pull her head down so that her neck was exposed and then he wove a path along her jaw line to her collarbone that set her skin ablaze with sensations.

She sat forward, leaning into him, and as she did so the filmy negligee slipped off her shoulders and caught in large folds around her elbows. He paused long enough to run his fingers lightly over the bruising around the wound on her shoulder before he resumed his trail back up. When he reached the tender spot where her neck met her ear, he breathed her name in a soft caress before taking the sensitive lobe into his mouth.

"Nikole…"

Tired of being restrained by the confines of her robe, she wrenched her arms free and placed her hands to either side of his face, taking a moment to look deep into his eyes as she ran her thumbs across his mandibles. He let his hands wander over her shoulders and down the length of her arms, hesitating only a moment before he settled them on the silky material at her waist. She rocked forward, bringing her own lips to the tough skin of his neck, as he inched his fingers up to the bare spot on her back between the thin straps. The light touch sent shivers down her spine.

In one fluid movement she shifted her weight to her knee and slid across his lap, so that she was straddling him. A small groan escaped his mouth. Flatting his hands on her back, he pulled her closer to him and nuzzled his face against her neck. She straightened, resting both her arms lightly on his shoulders. One of the slender straps on her nightgown fell.

"You're so soft…" he murmured as he brought both hands to the sides of her slim torso and grazed his thumbs against the edge of her breasts.

A wave of electricity shot through her. She ached for him to touch her, had wanted him to for longer than she cared to admit. While she kept one hand on his shoulder, the other one sought the back of his head and weaved its way into his fringe. She didn't know how much longer she could endure such torture, especially when he began to trail his tongue across the heaving swell of her bosom. The fire that sent heat coursing through her veins collected and settled pleasantly in that spot below her stomach just as he moved his hands and cupped both of her breasts.

"How is it that you know exactly what I want?" she moaned, not really expecting an answer.

He stopped suddenly and pulled back, leaving Shepard to wonder if she'd said something wrong. He wore a sly grin across his face that eased her anxiety but left her curious nonetheless.

"There's a funny story to that," he chuckled. He leaned forward and began to nibble on her ear as he continued, "Shortly before we went through the Omega 4 relay, I received a very detailed email for Mordin."

"Wha-?"

"The vids were very helpful," he breathed into her hair. "And informative. Turians really don't engage in kissing, but after I read that it was the main way you humans show intimacy and desire, I thought, 'What the hell? I might as well try it.' I must say that I kinda like it."

Her cheeks burned with embarrassment. Vaguely she recalled seeing an email from Mordin on her own private terminal, and vowed that she'd do some research once things calmed down. But she never thought he'd forward it to Garrus as well! "So you knew before…" she covered her face with her hands, "before I…" Her thoughts returned to them standing right here in her cabin, to the moment when she confessed her feelings for him, the moment when he had surprised her with that intense kiss.

He pried her hands away from her face so that he could look directly into her eyes. "Relax, Nikole. I asked him to send me some information."

Her eyes widened. "You did?"

"I've thought about you constantly since I rejoined your crew. When you ended things with Kaidan I thought – I hoped – that I might have a chance…that you would consider being with someone like me. But I was so afraid that you wouldn't feel the same way that I kept quiet, choosing instead to just enjoy the time that we did spend together."

Her heart swelled with happiness at his revelation. She threw her arms around his neck brought her forehead down to his. "I love you, Garrus Vakarian," she whispered.

He answered her with a low growl, a testament to his growing desire, and stood up, holding her against him as he did so. Instantly her legs wrapped around his narrow waist, her fingers fumbling to rid him of his uniform as he eagerly sought her lips once more. He navigated around the table and stopped when he reached the edge of the bed, moaning softly when Shepard ran both her hands through his fringe and danced the tip of her tongue around his.

She unwound her legs and set her feet gently on the floor. Then she tore her mouth away from his and pulled the shirt of his uniform over his head, immediately moving her lips across the plates on his chest and down the rough skin of his stomach. She let her hands explore the surface of his upper body, from the bony protrusions that topped his angular hips to the ridges that ran from underneath his fringe down the length of his spine. As she lightly trailed her fingertips along his back and over his shoulders he stopped her, encircling her in his embrace. She clung to him, her head resting on his chest, and closed her eyes, enjoying every sensation that his hands were creating. He grabbed the fragile material of her nightgown and guided it up, letting his hands linger on her bare skin as he slid it off. Then he hooked his thumbs in the waistband of his pants and pushed them down, stepping out of them.

Naked, he pressed his body against hers. She gasped at the contrast between them. She was soft and supple whereas he was coarse and angled. His body was like nothing she'd ever felt before and she marveled at how wonderful, how exciting that difference was. She loved how the ridges of his plates tickled her nipples as he moved, how his sharp teeth nipped at the tender skin around her neck and collarbone.

He stepped forward then, pushing her onto the bed. Propping herself up on her elbows she inched slowly backward, holding his gaze as he crawled onto the bed after her and situated himself above her. While he supported himself with his hands, he ran his tongue around the perimeter of one of her hardened nipples, pausing to lightly suck on it. He smiled when her fingers tightened around the sheets and her back arched. He smothered her moan of pleasure with his mouth and moved himself between her legs. She immediately became aware of his hardness. When they finally coupled, she cried out, riding each wave of undulating ecstasy until they were both spent, collapsing into each other's arms. They lay like that for a long time afterward, taking turns caressing one another affectionately, enjoying the hazy bliss of what they'd just shared.

Shepard was almost asleep, settled into the crook of his arm when he pulled her closer to him and whispered, "I love you too Nikole."

XXX

She woke up alone. She passed a hand over her eyes to chase the sleep away and sat up groggily. Although several lights had been turned on, the room was empty. If it hadn't been for the scratches all over her body and the slight irritation that his rough skin had caused over certain areas, she could have almost convinced herself that everything that had happened between her and Garrus had been nothing but a dream.

Some time during the night she had awoken to him shifting beside her on the bed, his careful ministrations suggesting that he wanted her again. She had given into his request willingly. The second time had been rougher, more primal. They'd twisted and turned, kicking away the sheets that sought to bind them down as they explored each other and tried a variety of different positions. It was all Shepard could do to keep from screaming his name at the top of her lungs, even though she was certain that no one could hear them.

But now as she gazed around at the empty expanse of her cabin she couldn't help but wonder if she'd let her guard down and opened her heart only to have yet another one night stand.

She sucked back the rogue tears that threatened to fall and stood up with a weary sigh. How was she ever going to face Garrus now? This is why you don't pursue relationships with people you work with, the mean but logical voice in her head chastised. Hadn't that been one of the reasons why she was so reluctant to tell him in the first place?

No! she rationalized. What about all the things he told her last night? It didn't make any sense. Fighting the urge to start ranting and raving around her cabin, she walked to her drawer and pulled out the pair of her comfortable, more appropriate t-shirt and sweats and put them on with a slowness that belied her defeat. She didn't know what to think anymore.

A sudden heaviness crept into her chest as she dropped back to the tangled sheets with all the gracefulness of an Elcor falling down the stairs. _Sincere disappointment_, she thought off-handedly, mimicking the Elcor's peculiar speech patterns. Burying her head underneath the pillow she wondered how long she could hide herself away in her cabin before the crew began to take notice.

Just when she'd convinced herself that it was a good idea, the door whooshed open and Garrus stepped in, holding two steaming glasses in his hands; coffee for her, something unidentifiable for him. He was fully dressed, looking sharp in his silver armor with the red accents and thin strips of neon blue that ran along the front of his chest plate. The design was quite similar to that of her Kestral armor.

"Sorry I took so long," he said, striding toward her and handing her the coffee cup. "I was hoping that I would be back before you woke up."

She took the cup from him gingerly, immediately feeling guilty for having doubted him. Perhaps it was just her inexperience in serious relationships, but she had learned early on that nothing could be counted on to last forever. She would have to seriously retool her way of thinking if things were going to work out between them.

He sat down on the bed next to her and an awkward moment of silence passed as she tried to think of what to say next. But her words betrayed her and all she could do was look up at him and smile. It still astounded her that he was here, sitting beside her. He returned her smile easily and reached up to brush a stray strand of her from her eyes.

"Mess Sergeant Gardner looked at me like I'd lost my mind when I asked for coffee," he said with a small laugh. "But once I informed him that you were feeling a bit under the weather, he fixed it right up."

"I guess you've given me a good excuse to stay in bed all morning," she replied, her eyes twinkling over the rim of the cup as she took a sip. Her lids closed involuntarily as she savored the hot liquid. Coffee…her one weakness.

Eventually she became aware that he was still staring at her and opened her eyes. There was something hesitant written on his face, almost as if he was uncertain about something and didn't quite know how to vocalize it.

"What's wrong Garrus?" she asked, trying hard to swallow the lump that suddenly appeared in her throat. _Please don't tell me you're having second thoughts_, she pleaded with him silently.

"Do you remember that turian I met back on Omega?"

She nodded, visibly relieved. She quickly brought the cup to her mouth and gulped more of the hot liquid to cover the sigh that had tried to escape from her lips.

"Well, I received a message from him early this morning, saying that he might have uncovered information on who threatened Sidonis into betraying my men. If it's all right with you, I'd like to check it out.

"Sure." There was nothing pressing going on besides repairs that required the crew's attention. "Give me the details."

"Interestingly enough, my contact is right here on Illium."

The Normandy was still docked at one of the ports, since most of the crew had been in no condition to pull out and head for another destination. Plus, she had wanted to check the markets this morning for anything that might help facilitate the repairs to the cargo area and the rest of the ship.

"I need to take a cab and meet him outside Azure," he continued.

So that was why he was already dressed in his armor.

His hand fell over hers. "I need to do this Shepard. Giving a Sidonis a second chance is fine. But whoever forced him into betraying me and my men, that guy deserves to die. Don't try to stop me."

"When do you meet your contact?"

He leaned backward on the bed and checked the alarm clock. "In about half an hour."

Shepard felt a pang of disappointment. She couldn't get ready and perform all her morning duties before he had to leave. She wouldn't be able to accompany him and told him so, the regret clearly evident in her voice.

"Take Zaeed with you. Illium might not be a rough as Omega, but you're still dealing with dangerous people. And take Denny. He's been dying to go out on a mission and I figure since most of the crew is still recovering from hangovers this morning that now's as good a chance as any.

He nodded in assent and stood to go. "Well, I should get on my way then."

"Yeah," Shepard smiled. "As much as I would like to hide in here all day, I really should go down and see how the rest of the crew is holding up." She grew quiet for a moment and then threaded her arms through his and hugged him tightly. "Be careful okay? I'll be waiting for you up here when you get back."

"All the more reason to hurry," he said, returning her embrace.

The rest of the morning was uneventful, so much so that it bordered on dull. She set to work on the hull and was by herself for a good deal of the time until Kelly wandered down with an expression of absolute misery.

"In the name of all that is sacred Commander, do you have to pound on this thing so damned early?"

Shepard glanced at her omin-tool and noted that it was almost noon. Garrus had been gone nearly three hours.

"What's the matter Yeoman?" she teased. "I thought you didn't get hangovers."

"Yeah well, that was before I got pulled into a drinking contest with Ken and Gabby."

Shepard chuckled and shook her head. Those two were always competing with each other over something.

Kelly waited for what she considered to be an appropriate amount of time and then said, "I heard what happened with Kaidan. Are you all right?"

She stood and brushed her hands off on her pants, recalling the events of last night. "Never better," she beamed.

"Kasumi told me later that he was off sulking in the corner of Eternity, nursing a big ole fat welt on his jaw. He was pretty drunk and kept telling all the customers how he got tossed aside for a turian. I guess he got pretty rowdy because Matriarch Atheta threw him out of the bar. Last Kasumi seen him, he was limping out on the shoulders of his Alliance buddies."

Inwardly she sighed. Poor Kaidan. Now it was his turn to suffer through the pain of rejection. She had little sympathy after what he put her through. But none of that mattered anymore.

"Commander," Jacob's voice cut in. "We need your assistance in the main battery."

She looked past Kelly to where he was standing and said, "Okay, I'll be right there."

He walked off and Shepard sighed. It would be weird going into the main battery while Garrus wasn't there. She wondered, not for the first time that morning, how he was doing and if his contact had given him the information he needed. He hadn't been gone all that long and already she was starting to miss him.

"Hey," she said as Kelly turned to go back to the command center. "I'm going to the markets later on. Would you like to join me?"

Kelly's pretty face broke into a wide smile. "That sounds like fun."

"Great. I'll come get you when I'm ready."

A few hours later she finally walked out of the main battery. It was almost completely restored now, and she was excited to see Garrus's reaction when he returned.

After a brief visit with Liara, she and Kelly hit the trading floor, stopping at the various shops between there and the transportation hub. She was in a mildly good mood after having decided to give her fish tank another shot. The exotic fish were at that very moment on their way to the Normandy while they continued to wind their way around the kiosks.

"Commander Shepard?"

She turned in the direction of the voice and saw a beautiful asari standing a few feet from her. She was the picture of elegance in a skin tight lavender dress accented with maroon and blue, and her scalp was colored with the slightest touch of pink that shimmered in the light. In her hands she held a rather large package, wrapped in paper of the softest yellow and trimmed with a big white ribbon.

The asari stepped forward and addressed her again in that same sing-song voice that Shepard found so hypnotic. "Commander Shepard, I've been asked to give you this as a token of our gratitude for how you handled the collectors" She handed her the package.

Shepard took it, a little perplexed as to why the asari would be grateful when it was only human colonies that the collectors had been abducting. Maybe someone was finally acknowledging that what she was doing was to the benefit of the entire galaxy.

The young asari inclined her head and walked away. Just then Kelly stepped up beside Shepard, her arms laden with the necessities that they had just purchased for the Normandy.

"What's that?"

"I have no idea," she shrugged, turning the package in her hands as she examined it. "I'll look at it later."

She took some of the items from Kelly's hands and the two walked back to the airlock.

Dusk had started to settle over the breathtaking landscape, painting the sky and buildings in lovely hues of rose and orange. The mystery of the package was forgotten as Shepard rushed to the main battery to see if Garrus had arrived yet. She found it completely devoid of anyone. Swallowing her disappointment she tried to reason with herself that she would at least have time to freshen herself up and tidy around her cabin.

She deposited the package on the coffee table and quickly set to work making the bed and straightening the items on her desk. She had to stop herself and smile. If Garrus started making a habit of coming to her cabin instead of going to the crew's quarters at night, then they would have to come clean to the crew sooner rather than later.

Every now and then she would gaze at the clock and sigh. It was entirely possible that he just forgot. Maybe she should go back down to the third deck and see if he was there. _No_, she reasoned with herself, _he said he would come here. _But as the hours continued to tick by, she started to get more than a little bit antsy.

Desperate for anything that might take her attention away from his long absence, she suddenly remembered the package and lunged across the table to grab it. Shaking it revealed the contents to be light, but it made a rattling sound as whatever it was bounced from side to side.

Overcome with curiosity she tore greedily at the white ribbon and let it fall to the floor. The pretty yellow paper soon followed it as she eagerly lifted the lid and peered inside. Her smile faded as the lid slid from her cold fingers and clattered to the floor. It seemed like everything around her had grown distant. All she could hear was the blood thumping in her ears. With a hand that shook she reached in and pulled out the eyepiece that Garrus never went without, now stained with dry, blue blood.

* * *

**A/N: **Okay, I know I threw a lot at you there! Like I warned you in the previous chapter, things are now only starting to pick up. But please, please tell me how I'm doing! I'd love to hear your input! ~J


	10. Calling Upon Old Friends

**A/N: **Hi everyone! Wow, all the feedback and activity I got for the last chapter! I'm still all giddy. Thank you so much!

Speaking of excitement, I can't WAIT for Arrival on Tuesday! I hope everyone enjoys playing it!

And now on to the next part! Just a word of warning: this chapter contains some coarse language. ~J

* * *

The still silence around the small cabin was broken as the empty box hit the ground. Shepard couldn't think, couldn't breath as she turned the blood covered eyepiece around in her hand.

Garrus.

Suffocating fear gripped her stomach, chasing all rational thought from her brain, save one: she had to get to him before it was too late – if it wasn't already too late. They'd been gone almost an entire day. What had happened to the other members of the squad, Zaeed and Denny? Their fate as of yet was unknown. But the message, however cruelly delivered, had been perfectly clear. Garrus had been the intended target.

With the eyepiece still clutched in her hand she tore out of the room and punched the button for the elevator, cursing at its slowness. It seemed to take years for the doors to reopen onto the CIC and she nearly tripped over her own feet in an attempt to exit it. She came racing around the galaxy map at breakneck speed, her eyes trained far ahead to the airlock and didn't see Thane and Tali until it was too late. She crashed head on into the quarian, sending them both toppling to the floor. Jumping up, she muttered a quick apology to Tali, and tried to dart around them, but Thane blocked her path.

"Shepard, are you injured?" the considerate drell asked. Behind them Tali got to her feet and brushed her suit off.

"No," she replied hastily and attempted to push past him again. He brought his hands to her shoulders and held her at arms length.

"Are you certain? You both hit the ground rather hard. Perhaps you should go down to the med bay just to be saf – "

"Stop!" she sobbed as her panic continued to mount. "Get out of my way! _Please!_"

Thane's dark eyes blinked in confusion. It was then that he glanced down and gingerly took the eyepiece from her quivering hand.

"Oh Keelah," Tali whispered. The eyes behind the smooth glass of her helmet remained fixed on it as she came to stand beside Shepard.

"Shepard, this is covered in blood. What happened?" Thane asked.

"They've got Garrus! Maybe even Zaeed and Denny too! I've got to find them!"

"They? They who?"

"I don't know!" she cried. "It came in a box. Just let me go!"

"Shepard," Tali said calmly. "Be smart about this. You can't go anywhere in that."

Shepard looked down. In her rush to leave the Normandy and find Garrus, she had completely forgotten that she was only wearing her uniform. She'd run out without putting on any of her armor or even grabbing a weapon.

"Let me take you up to your quarters and help you get ready," Tali coaxed patiently.

"Yes, good idea. And I will assemble the rest of the crew and tell them what's going on," Thane said.

They were right. She would be of no use to Garrus unprepared. She needed to slow down and think things through logically. Resigned she let Tali pull her back toward the elevator.

It only took minutes for the crew to gather in the debriefing room, but it could have been hours as far as Shepard was concerned. Each second that ticked by was another second that she didn't know the fate of her squad. As she leaned a shoulder against the wall with her arms crossed over her chest, a thousand questions battered around in her head. Why attack the small group? Were they still alive? Why, oh why did she choose to stay there and not accompany them?

When the last crew member filed in, some of them still trying to shake off the effects of sleep, Thane addressed them. "We have a situation. Garrus, Zaeed, and Denny have gone missing." He held up the eyepiece and as he did so, Shepard looked away, not wanting the crew to see the hurt and fear that battled for space with the tears in her eyes. "We have evidence that this was a planned attack."

A dozen questions twittered from the group, all questions that she couldn't answer. She ran her hand restlessly through her short hair and pushed off the wall to join them around the table.

"It's too soon to tell who's involved. Garrus was meeting someone who had information that concerned his team back on Omega. It's entirely possible that whoever attacked them decided to turn in the bounty that was out there for Archangel." She took what she hoped would be a calming breath. "Right now everything is just conjecture. The first thing we need to do is head over to their last known whereabouts, Azure, and see what we find."

"I'll go with you," Thane volunteered, clasping his hands behind his back.

Shepard nodded and looked to Mordin. "Mordin, I don't know what we'll find, but it would be a good idea to have medical personnel on hand just in case. Are you willing?"

"Am ready when you are, Shepard."

"Good. I want to head out immediately. We don't have time to waste. The rest of you are dismissed."

With that she spun on her heel and exited the debriefing room, anxious to get going. She kept her eyes to the floor, reluctant to meet any of those that belonged to the crew. She couldn't lose Garrus, not now. Not after everything they'd been through together. She needed to keep her head on straight, couldn't think of the implications of just what that eyepiece meant. Besides, she had two other crew members whose lives were in danger.

She vowed then and there that she would filet whoever was responsible when she found them.

XXX

The sky was a drab combination of black and grey, whereas only a few hours ago it had covered the buildings in gorgeous tones of gold and orange. Instead, a thick layer of clouds had moved in, chasing away the cheerfulness normally found on Illium and cast the surroundings in a dull, cold blue.

Most of the merchants and customers on the trading floor had gone on to more exciting haunts, like the Eternity Bar, leaving the place mostly deserted as Shepard and her team rushed through the hallways.

She tried not to feel overwhelmed but it was proving difficult. The ride to Azure in the taxi gave her enough time to speculate on all the possibilities. Garrus had never mentioned specifics on where he was going to meet his contact, just that he would be in the hotel. She leaned over and put her head in her hands. She didn't even know where to begin looking.

The taxi touched down in front of the lobby and as she stepped out she looked up and took in the sheer vastness of its façade. Unlike the port in which the Normandy was docked, Azure was thriving with life. Guests lingered on the balconies to the rooms above, talking, laughing, and having a good time while others loitered in and around the lobby. The heavy beat of drums mixed with bass could be heard off in the distance and every so often a squeal of delight carried on the wind and wafted to her ears.

"If I were meeting someone," Thane said, "I would want it to be some place where we could talk undisturbed, but also somewhere public."

Mordin ticked away at his omni-tool. "The music and increase of pheromones suggests there is a club nearby."

"That might be a good place to start. Garrus ran into an old friend at Afterlife, and that same friend was the one who sent him the message about the contact."

Thane and Mordin agreed and the trio continued on toward the muted rhythms. Euphoria was swathed in a haze of purple and red neon. Asari danced on tabletops and cages suspended from the ceiling while turians and humans alike gawked and heckled.

As seemed consistent around the galaxy, the bar was located directly in front of them. From where she was standing Shepard could make out a small bump that bobbed back and forth, the top of it barely clearing the counter. As she stepped up to the bar, the squat volus behind it stretched his arms out and welcomed them.

"Ah, Earth Clan. Can I get you something to drink? We have many fine choices here at Euphoria."

"No thanks." She leaned an elbow on the counter and stretched so she could see him better. "I'm actually looking for someone."

"Oh," the volus said in a slightly disappointed tone.

The volus were notoriously known for their love of credits. Anything else barely held their interest. Shepard hoped she wasn't wasting her time.

"Have you noticed anything strange around here in the last day or so?" she asked. She had to raise her voice just to be heard above the music.

The bartender remained as quiet as he considered, with only the noise from his suit's breathing apparatus breaking up the monotony of the beat behind them. "Come to think of it, I did see some vorcha in her earlier today."

"Vorcha?"

"Yes." Deep breath. "I found it odd because they usually prefer Omega. I really don't recall the last time I saw one on Illium."

"Really?"

Another deep breath. "I had to ask them to leave because they were waving their weapons around and scaring off the customers. It's bad for business. But they just laughed at me."

"Sounds like the Blood Pack," Thane said.

"What happened after that?"

"I don't know," he drawled. "When I looked up some time later they were gone. But I would most certainly have seen them if they walked out."

Shepard pushed away from the counter and straightened, trying very hard not to roll her eyes. He could hardly see her and she was standing three feet in front of him. She highly doubted he would have seen anything.

"Thanks," she said and motioned to Thane and Mordin.

"Come back if you change your mind about having a drink!" he called after her.

Shepard sighed. It wasn't a solid lead, but it was better than what they had when they came in. She gazed around at the crowd, hoping that something would present itself. She didn't have to wait long. As she scanned the faces, a man got up from a table full of friends and pushed his way across the dance floor and over to the far wall. He looked to the right and then his left quickly before sliding through a door that she hadn't noticed before.

"Over there!" she pointed. "Looks like the perfect place for a secret rendezvous."

They followed suit, lacking the same level of caution the man had used. The door opened in a dim hallway stacked with large metal crates on either side.

"Which way?" Thane asked.

Shepard removed her pistol from its holster and pointed to her right. "Let's split up. You two take the left half and I'll check out this way."

"Got it."

She lingered only a second as Thane and Mordin started down the corridor before she hurried in the opposite direction. She rounded the corner and came face to face with the man she'd seen in the bar only a few minutes earlier. Instantly she brought up her gun and planted her feet.

"Hey man!" he whined, holding his hands in the air. "There's no need for that!"

"What are you doing here?" she demanded.

"I-I don't want any trouble."

Shepard didn't budge.

"I came to meet someone, okay?" he continued. "T-they were going to sell me some Halix. Don't shoot me!"

She lowered her pistol. "Get the hell outta here kid!"

He didn't need to be told twice. She shook her head in annoyance as he scurried away. One more healthy mind lost to drugs.

"Commander, over here!"

She shook off the misplaced pity she felt for the kid and hurried toward Thane's voice. Her heart suddenly began to pound erratically as fear over what she would find slid into the bottom of her gut. She stopped short. Mordin was leaning over to examine a body that lay on its side with its back presented to her. She swallowed and knelt down beside him.

"Dead. Killer left body out in open. Must have been in quite a hurry."

She turned Denny over onto his back and looked down on him with regret. There was only one bullet hole, just left of center on his forehead.

"It was a clean shot," Thane's thick voice cut in. "He never saw it coming."

That thought didn't sit well with Shepard. It seemed like such a waste. He had practically begged her to go on a mission and now look what happened. He didn't deserve this! Had Garrus and Zaeed suffered the same fate? The thought continued to haunt her as she stalked farther down the hallway. Off in the distance, covered in heavy shadows, was something else.

"Shit!" she exclaimed, running up to it. Her teammates were right behind her. "Zaeed!"

He was worse than Denny had been. Blood was pouring out from multiple entry wounds on his chest and torso. Mordin pushed her out of the way and ran his omni-tool over Zaaed's limp form.

"He's alive, but barely."

Shepard looked up and noticed with defeat that the hallway dead-ended in front of her. There was no sign of Garrus. She keyed her earpiece as Mordin's words echoed in her head.

"Joker. Alert Dr. Chakwas and have her prepare the med bay."

XXX

Zaeed survived, thanks in large part to Shepard and the team finding him when they did. He had come very close to bleeding out and as a result had slipped into a coma.

Shepard grew despondent. Alone, she agonized over Denny's death. She was deeply relieved that Zaeed was going to make it, but it made her angry that her team had been made to suffer and she still didn't know the reasoning behind it.

Most of all, she grieved for Garrus. When she wasn't needed in the CIC or other areas of the ship and had exhausted herself by looking for any clues as to his whereabouts, she huddled on the small couch in her cabin with memories of him playing over and over in her mind.

_Commander Shepard? Garrus Vakarian. _

She could still see him standing there against the backdrop of the beautiful trees in the Citadel Tower. In another, he was taking off his helmet, revealing that he was Archangel, the vigilante she had been looking for. And another still, when he had coaxed the broken model pieces from her hands and wiped the tears from her cheeks. Then there was the time he'd tried to break the tension caused by a day where everything went wrong.

_Did you just throw my own armor at me Vakarian?_

_I'm trying to piss you off. Is it working?_

She pulled her knees up to her chest and buried her face in them, breaking down into tears. Her shoulders shook with her heavy sobs. It was so hard to remain calm and level-headed, to show the crew that she was merely concerned that a member of her team was missing and presumed dead. So hard not to show more than that, when inside her heart was screaming.

Despite her greatest efforts, her grief began to take its effect on her. She couldn't sleep at night, for she would see him in her dreams and remember what it was like to feel the weight of his body next to hers. She refused to eat because her stomach was always twisted in a knot and consuming even a little bit of food would make her sick for hours afterward. She soon became a shadow of herself, thin and gaunt with huge dark circles underneath her eyes.

It took days but Zaeed finally opened his eyes. When Shepard heard the news she rushed down to the med bay to see him. He was lying on his back on one of the tables, shirtless, with a patchwork of bandages taped all over his chest and torso. She winced as she drew closer. The old man was tough and had survived far worse, but it still looked like it hurt like hell.

He shifted his eyes her way as she edged up to the table. "Commander."

"How are you feeling?" she whispered. It was the stupidest thing she could have said. Of course he felt like shit.

"I'm sorry," he said, moving his eyes back to the ceiling. "I've gone and made a ga'damn miserable mess of things."

She placed her hand on his shoulder, hoping that the simple gesture communicated to him that it wasn't his fault. "I'm just glad you're alive." She paused. "What happened?"

"A bloody ambush, that's what happened. They took the kid out before I could even turn around to see what was going on. By then, at least half a dozen of them had us surrounded."

"Did you get a good look at any of them? Could you tell who they were with?"

"I didn't have a lot of time. Blood Pack maybe?"

She nodded. "What about Garrus's contact. Did you meet up with him?"

"Nah, he never showed."

That information unsettled Shepard. Someone had set Garrus up. But why? She almost choked over her next question. "Did you see what happened to Garrus?"

"No. They made short work of putting more holes in me than Swiss cheese. Why? You didn't find him with the rest of us?"

"No." She closed her eyes and willed herself not to cry. Not here. She had hoped that Zaeed would have had more details, but she was met with yet another dead end. Squeezing his shoulder lightly she said, "You did the best you could. What happened wasn't your fault. Get some rest – you definitely earned it."

She looked back at Dr. Chakwas and then walked out. But instead of going back to the CIC she walked down the metal gangplank to the main battery. It had been fully restored, the light bouncing off the new titanium beams. After closing the door behind her she ran her hands softly over the console that Garrus always seemed so attached to.

"Where are you?" she whispered to the empty expanse of space. Her bottom lip quivered defiantly. Quickly she sucked back the tears that threatened to fall. "I'll find you. I swear to you. I'll find you!"

XXX

"Commander." Kelly looked at her sympathetically before continuing. "You have a message Commander."

She sighed. It was the last thing she wanted to do, but on the other hand, returning to a normal work routine was the only way she could keep from going insane. And so she nodded at the yeoman and brought up her inbox on the terminal next to the galaxy map. The subject line said _For Your Viewing Pleasure_. Great, she thought, rolling her eyes. All this modern technology at her fingertips and still no one could find a way to filter out junk email. With nothing better to do at the moment, she clicked on it anyway.

It was a vid of a small stone room. Whoever was holding the camera was obviously an amateur. From what she could see from the angle, water dripped from the ceiling and echoed loudly around the chamber while a fluorescent light flickered above them.

She heard muted voices and then suddenly the camera swung to the center of the room. She was two large feet and then the bulky body of a krogan came into view as it panned up.

"Not me, you idiot!" the krogan growled.

The camera shifted roughly as whoever was holding it switched hands and when it leveled again Shepard felt her heart stop.

"Garrus!"

"Do you have anything to say?" the same krogan asked the turian who was sitting in a chair with his hands bound behind him.

The krogan grabbed his fringe and forced him to look into the camera. His face was covered with cuts and deep purple bruises. His left eye was all but swollen shut and one of his mandibles looked like it had nearly been torn off.

"Shepard don't!" he sputtered, his voice gritty and hoarse. "It's a trap!" Before he could say more, another krogan punched him forcefully in the jaw.

She winced as he cried out, but he stubbornly continued.

"They intend to kill you," he rasped. "Please Nikole! Forget about me and stay away! I– "

His last sentence was broken by a gurgling scream as the second krogan returned with a live electrical wire and shoved it into his abdomen. Then the feed cut out and the screen went black.

"_Garrus!"_ she cried, seizing the sides of the screen. Kelly ran to her and pulled her away from the terminal. She no longer cared if the crew found out about them. "Garrus, no…" she sobbed into Kelly's shoulder.

A somber silence fell over the CIC as a few other crew members rushed in to witness the display. Still clinging to Kelly, Shepard sank to the ground.

"Shh…" Kelly comforted.

Above her the sound of the horrible vid could be heard as Jacob replayed it. "This proves he's alive," he said. "But what does he mean by 'it's a trap'?"

Shepard rose to her feet and wiped the tears from her face. Slowly another emotion entered her mind, replacing the fear and heartache: anger. She rolled through the facts; the package meant for her that contained his eyepiece, the mercs trying to kill the other members of the squad but keeping Garrus alive to torture, Garrus all but begging her to keep away.

_You don't want to get on my bad side – it can be very hazardous to those closest to you. _

"Son of a bitch!"

She stormed past the elevator and into the tech lab with Kelly, Jacob, and Miranda hot on her heels. Mordin looked up quizzically from his work and followed them as she pushed through the inside door and marched into the debriefing room and slammed her hand down on the button that contacted the Illusive Man. The minute his image loaded she pounced on him, completely skipping any pleasantries.

"All right you self-righteous asshole! Where's Garrus?'

He sat in his chair, reclining back with infuriating calm while he absently ashed his cigarette. "Shepard. I don't believe we have anything more to say to each other."

"Don't play coy with me!" she shouted, pointing her forefinger at the image. "Who did you hire to help you with this? Tell me!"

He took a long drag off his cigarette and let her wait in silence as the smoke rolled around on his tongue. "You made your choice Shepard. This conversation is over."

He reached down and pushed a button on the arm of his chair and instantly his image vanished, leaving her standing in the empty debriefing room. Had there been something to grab, she would have thrown it across the room.

The small group was waiting for her in the hallway between the tech lab and the armory.

"Is the Illusive Man really responsible for this?" Kelly asked quietly.

Shepard took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She'd had reservations about working with Cerberus from the beginning, but she had tried to tell herself – had tried to convince everyone around her that they were fighting on the same side, for the same cause. But now it had become excruciatingly apparent that Cerberus and the Illusive Man had only used her to further their own agendas. And she realized with a dread that threatened to overwhelm her, just how big of a hole she'd gotten herself and the crew into.

"It looks that way," she said finally. "And I think I know someone who can help us find out for certain."

XXX

The usual crowd of shoppers and visitors pushed past Shepard as she stood alone outside the warehouse on the Zakera Wards, oblivious to the inner struggle she was experiencing. She figured that this was the best place to start looking. The last thing she heard, Harkin had been apprehended by C-Sec, but they'd had to let him go due to a technicality. She was pretty sure he wouldn't exactly be thrilled to see her, but she really had no other choice.

She made a conscious decision back on the Normandy that she needed to pull herself together and fight with everything she had to get Garrus back. Sequestering herself in her cabin crying over him wasn't going to bring him back. She needed to tackle the problem with the same attitude that had destroyed Sovereign and brought down the collectors. And that was just what she was going to do.

With an incredible stroke of luck, she found Harkin just inside the door. The surprise that registered in his eyes when he turned around told her that she was the last person he expected to see. He took one look at her and bolted in the opposite direction. Acting quickly, Shepard grabbed the nearest empty crate and hurled it at him. It hit the soft spot on the back of his knee and sent him crumpling to the ground in a heap. She was instantly above him. Grabbing him by the front of his shirt she pulled him forward and savagely yanked him to his feet.

"Get your hands off me, you crazy bitch!"

"Shut up!" she snapped before she slammed him against the wall. "Tell me what you know about Garrus!"

"I ain't tellin' you shit!"

Fire flashed in her eyes, making them narrow in hatred. She shoved him into the wall again, this time with more force. His head made a sickening crack as it struck the metal surface, but she didn't care.

"I wanted to do this the easy way Harkin, but you seem hell bent on making me do it the hard way!"

"You can beat the shit out of me all you want, I don't got nothin' to say to you."

She jerked her pistol from its holster and pushed the cold barrel against his temple. "You'll tell me what I want to know goddammit, or so help me I'll blow your fucken head off!"

In a tone that matched the ferocity of her own he said, "Shooting me ain't gonna do you no good."

"No, but it'll sure as hell make me feel better." For emphasis she pressed the muzzle into his head a little harder.

"I-I don't know nothin' bout Garrus!" he stammered when he realized that she was dead serious.

"You're lying."

"You've got a goddamn gun to my head! Why the fuck would I lie to you?"

This pistol in question shook in her hand. After a tense moment she pulled it away and slid it back into its holster, but didn't release her grip on him.

"The Illusive Man didn't hire you to take out Garrus and my team?"

"The Illusive-who?"

She stared him down as she contemplated what he was telling her. Harkin didn't know anything. He was just being a dick. But he was malleable and could be persuaded to do just about anything. She let go of him abruptly and folded her arms over her chest. He rubbed the back of his head where there was no doubt a large bump forming from where it had hit the wall.

"I need you to look up some information for me," she said matter-of-factly.

"And just what makes you think I'm gonna help you?"

In the blink of an eye she had the pistol drawn again and pointed straight at him.

"Okay, okay," he said, raising his hands in a gesture of reluctant compliance. "You've made your point. What do you want to know?"

Keeping her eyes trained on him she watched as he went to the nearby terminal and keyed up the screen.

"Garrus disappeared several days ago. He said he needed to meet with a contact that had information about the person that threatened Sidonis into betraying his men. But it turned out to be an ambush and I think the Blood Pack is somehow involved."

Harkin listened quietly as he punched the buttons on the terminal. He was silent so long that Shepard became uncomfortable. She scratched the back of her neck and shifted her feet restlessly.

After a while he said, "I wasn't able to dig up much, but I can tell you for sure that it was the Blood Pack that attacked them."

"That's it? You can't tell me why the Blood Pack wanted Garrus?"

He looked back down at the screen. "No. But it appears they were acting on higher orders – the Shadow Broker's."

Shepard frowned. "Can you find out anything else? Why the Shadow Broker would want anything to do with him?"

Harkin backed away from the terminal and waved his hands at her. "Oh, no. I'm through. I ain't messing with that guy. I don't need to piss him off and have him after my ass."

_Coward_, Shepard thought. The Shadow Broker huh? It wasn't exactly the information that she wanted to hear, but she did have resources. She flicked her eyes back to Harkin with disdain and then turned to go.

"Hey wait!" he called out. "Does that mean I'm free to go?"

She paused and looked over her shoulder at him. She hated the bastard but right now she had bigger things on her mind than dealing with him. All the pent up anxiety, all the fear and heartache that she'd been holding in about Garrus she had unleashed on him. She figured that for now, it was enough. She started at him for a tense second and then turned and walked out.

When they arrived back on Illium a while later, she strode with new purpose across the trading floor to the administration office. Liara's face brightened immediately when she walked through the door.

"Shepard, it is good to see you again."

"You still looking to go after the Shadow Broker?"


	11. Out of the Shadows

**A/N: **Once again I have twisted the plot to better suit the needs of my story. Enjoy! ~J

* * *

"W-what?"

Liara rose questioningly from her seat behind the large desk when Shepard didn't move and extended her hand toward the two chairs that sat in front of it.

"Shepard please, sit down," she said calmly, the pleasant expression never leaving her face.

Out of the whole crew, both new and old, Liara was the only one that seemed to have any effect on smoothing out Shepard's ruffled feathers. Maybe it was the way she handled herself, slow and unhurried when she moved or the soft, graceful tones she spoke in, whatever it was, it almost always put Shepard at ease.

Not this time.

Shepard continued to stand a few feet from the entrance, her back as straight as an arrow with her hands clenched into tiny fists of fury at her sides as she repeated, "I said, do you still want to take down the Shadow Broker?"

Seeing that she refused to be placated, Liara sat back down in her chair and contemplated the gravity of Shepard's words. "I've wanted that for two years," she said quietly. "Of course I want to go after him. But why all of a sudden are you here, ready to help me? And so passionately, might I add."

Shepard's shoulders dropped and suddenly she appeared very tired. The weight of the turmoil that she had been carrying for days settled heavily over the pale features of her face. She dragged herself across the room with a heartrending sigh and flopped into the proffered chair and put her head in her hands.

"The Shadow Broker has Garrus," she whispered into her palms. She couldn't look at Liara, couldn't let her see the tears building in her eyes. "They're torturing him. Eventually they'll kill him. I…I need to get him back."

Liara brought one delicate hand to her mouth. "Oh Goddess. Shepard, I'm so sorry."

She nodded, not really wanting her pity.

"But why would the Shadow Broker want anything to do with Garrus?"

The simple question made her eyes close against the pain. She didn't know which was worse; knowing that he was being tortured or knowing that she was most likely the cause of it.

At length she replied, "I don't know, but I'm pretty sure that Cerberus has something to do with it. I just can't prove it yet."

"It appears the Shadow Broker is making a habit out of taking hostages."

"What do you mean?" Shepard blinked and looked up at the asari in confusion.

"Did I ever tell you how Cerberus obtained your body?"

"No. What does that have to do with the Shadow Broker?"

Liara took a deep breath and stood to look out the window at the trading floor below. "I gave it to them."

"You did?"

"Yes." She turned her head back to look at Shepard and there was a strange sadness in her expression. "They promised me they could rebuild you and I believed them. But the Shadow Broker had possession of your body and was planning on selling it to the collectors."

Awareness slowly started to dawn on Shepard.

"I had help from a…a friend," Liara continued. "Feron. He was working as a double agent for both the Shadow Broker and Cerberus." She went to her desk and removed a picture of a rather handsome looking drell and handed it to Shepard. With a nostalgic smile she said, "He turned on me more than once but in the end he sacrificed himself for me…for us."

Shepard sensed something in her tone that implied there was more to it than that, but she didn't press her for details. "What happened afterward?"

"For two excruciatingly long years, I didn't know if he was alive or dead. But I was able to obtain information from the data you hacked for me that Feron is still alive. And what's more, I have narrowed the Shadow Broker's location to a system in the Hourglass Nebula."

"So Cerberus and the Shadow Broker have a history and it all boils down to me."

Liara sat back down and placed her hands on the desk, lacing her fingers together. "I hope that you can forgive me for turning over your body to Cerberus. I did what was necessary. The galaxy needed you."

"There's nothing to forgive Liara. I should be thanking you. Without you, I wouldn't even be alive right now."

Liara smiled, visibly relieved. "I'm glad you feel that way."

"Besides, you weren't the only one who trusted Cerberus. I put my faith in them and look where it got me."

"Shepard…"

Now it was her turn to rise out of the chair. She paced back and forth in front of the desk, wrapping her arms around herself protectively, as if she could shield herself from further pain. Liara's hand fell on her shoulder and she stopped.

"You can't blame yourself, Shepard," she whispered.

"Will you help me then?"

"Yes. I need to go home to follow up on a few things. And change. I certainly can't go out in this," she laughed nervously, pointing to the pretty green and white dress that hugged her slender figure. "Can you meet me at my apartment in an hour?"

XXX

Liara's apartment was breathtaking. Located on the twelfth floor of a sparkling high rise, it overlooked the stunning cityscape of Illium. Not too far off in the distance was a line of winking taillights from all the taxis as they navigated the thoroughfare, and farther still a line of purple clouds encroached on the dusky horizon. The bustling sounds of the city, sounds Shepard never got to hear growing up on a space station, floated over to her and for the briefest of moments she imagined what it might be like to live there. The warm kiss of the sun on her face was always the first thing she missed when leaving a garden planet. The cold empty vastness of space could be so depressing and draining at times, especially now that her heart mirrored the black void.

But the peace and comfort that she'd gotten from the scene immediately evaporated when she arrived at Liara's door. Several officers from the Illium police department milled about just inside and a barrier had been erected to keep out unwanted company.

"What the – " Shepard whispered to herself as she boldly crossed the barrier. It instantly turned an angry red as an alarm began to shrill loudly.

"Stop!" cried an asari cop. "You can't come in here! This is an open investigation!"

"What happened here?" she asked, ignoring the officer's obvious agitation.

"Commander Shepard," she heard from the floor above her. She looked up to see another asari. She trailed her hand absently across the railing as she descended the curved staircase. "I never expected to see you here."

"And you are?"

"Tela Vasir, Special Tactics and Reconnaissance."

"What's a Spectre doing here?"

"I could ask you the same question," she threw back. "Someone tried to kill your friend. I'm trying to find out why." She looked over Shepard's shoulder at the cops who were still looking for evidence. "Thank you, but we are no longer in need of your services. We've got it from here."

"But – " the cop stammered. Her protestations were cut off by the arrogant wave of Vasir's hand.

"Liara? Is she all right?" Shepard asked in alarm. She cast her eyes quickly around the apartment but the light from outside was fading fast, shrouding it in dark shadows.

Vasir stepped up to one of the large picture windows and examined the spidery web of cracks that fractured its smooth surface as a result of a couple of bullet holes. Off in the distance lightning snaked across a sky filled with increasingly heavy, black clouds and Shepard could hear the far away rumble of thunder.

"I've canvassed the area, but it looks like she got away. Whoever took the shot wasn't counting on her kinetic barrier."

Shepard blinked and looked up at the window, thinking that it was odd for Vasir to assume things had happened that way. But she said nothing.

"Any ideas as to where she might have gone?" Vasir asked, turning toward her as lightning once again lit up the horizon.

"No. Liara was supposed to meet me here. She knew I was coming. She would have left a note or something."

"Let's look around."

Together they combed the apartment but found nothing that appeared out of the ordinary. While Vasir searched through the kitchen Shepard made her way upstairs to look around Liara's pristine bedroom. She had several artifacts on display, no doubt recovered from various dig sites, most of them prothean.

She was about to give up and head back downstairs when a picture sitting on the nightstand next to the bed caught her eye. Quietly she walked over to it and as she got closer the image of the Normandy SR1 became clear. What had it been like, she thought, for the other members of the crew during the two years that she'd been gone? Had they felt as lost as she did now? Had they suffered the same emptiness and destruction of spirit as they forced themselves to move on to other things?

Her mind drifted to Garrus. Thinking about him reminded her of why she was there. The sadness that swept over her made her limbs ache with a heaviness she feared might never go away. Desperate to get her head back in the game she grabbed the picture, intending to quickly reminisce about the good old days when the image flickered and changed.

"Will you look at that…" she heard from behind her. Vasir's shadow fell over the frame as she peered over her shoulder to look. "What is it?"

"It's a prothean dig site. Liara did leave me a message!"

"I don't get it."

"Quick, help me search the artifacts for more clues!"

Vasir shrugged her shoulders but silently complied, throwing out condescending remarks about the artifacts as she looked them over. Shepard was beginning to think her brilliant idea wasn't so great after all when her wandering fingers triggered a mechanism on the front of a display case and a small compartment containing a data disc slid out.

"I found something!" she called out, gingerly picking up the tiny disc to examine it.

Instantly Vasir was at her side. Shepard popped the disc into the drive in Liara's terminal and the oversized screen lit up. On it an anxious looking salarian looked nervously over his shoulder before addressing Liara.

"I've got the information you requested, but it wasn't easy," he said.

Liara's voice answered back, calm but firm. "What did you find Sekat?"

"I managed to get the location down to a cluster. I hope you know what you're doing T'Soni."

"What _is_ she doing?" Vasir asked.

"Liara found a lead on the Shadow Broker," Shepard clarified, not taking her eyes off the screen while she spoke. "I'm helping her to track him down."

She missed the slight narrowing of Vasir's eyes. "The Shadow Broker? No wonder someone tried to take her out. He has operatives everywhere!"

Shepard held up her hand to cut her off as Sekat continued.

"Can you come to my office?"

"Yes," Liara replied. "Where is it?"

"Baria Frontiers, the Dracon Trading Center. Be there in an hour."

With that the call ended and Sekat's image froze on the screen.

"If I know Liara, she wouldn't have stuck around here to find out who wanted her dead. She would have gone straight to Sekat."

"If someone from the Shadow Broker really is after her," Vasir said gravely, "we don't have much time. C'mon!"

Shepard charged out of the apartment behind her and keyed her radio. "Joker, I'm going to need back up!"

XXX

Vasir's shuttled had barely touched down in the complex of the Dracon Trade Center when an enormous explosion blew out the windows of the third floor.

"Liara's in there!" Shepard cried as she scrambled out of the shuttle.

Before anyone could stop her, Vasir had rounded the shuttle and was charging into the smoldering building, leaving Shepard and her team to assess the damage and check on all the wounded civilians. Most of them were in shock, slumped against the building's walls and planters. Others weren't so lucky. None of them had seen anything suspicious.

"Something isn't right here Shepard," Kasumi said lowly.

She agreed. Removing her assault rifle from the holster on her back she let her gaze travel up to the third floor, where flames licked the edges of the windows. "Let's just hope we're not too late."

The hallways were crawling with mercs, all operatives of the Shadow Broker who seemed bent on their destruction. More than once the team was pinned down as they tried to infiltrate deeper into the building. Although they found evidence of an unarmed bomb, they found no sign of Liara or the mysterious Sekat.

After pushing their way onto the third floor and quickly dispatching the mercs located up there, Shepard hacked her way through the only locked door and rushed in just in time to see a salarian gasp and slide down the wall, leaving a trail of blood in his wake. Shepard pointed her gun at Vasir, who stood by and watched calmly while another one of the Shadow Broker's mercs lay dead at her feet. Kasumi and Tali followed suit and raised their weapons.

"Shepard. I was just a minute too late. If I had gotten here sooner, I could have stopped Liara's contact from getting killed." She turned her own pistol over in her hand and looked at it blankly before kicking the body of the dead merc callously. "To think that he managed to get off one lucky shot off to kill Sekat just after I took him down..."

Shepard relaxed and lowered her weapon. "Have you seen Liara?"

"No," Vasir started to say.

"I'm right here you scheming bitch!" Liara said as she charged through the open door with her pistol drawn.

"You!" was all Vasir managed to get out before Liara pulled the trigger. The bullet struck her in the temple and she collapsed to the ground next to the other merc.

"Liara! What the hell are you doing?" Shepard screamed.

"She was the one who tried to kill me at my apartment," Liara said as she stomped over to Vasir's limp body and pulled out another data disc. "And she was the one who killed Sekat! She was working for the Shadow Broker!"

It all made sense now – the comment about Liara's kinetic barrier, her running off ahead of the team. She had gone to take care of Sekat before they got there and take the information for herself. Never had she felt more foolish. Vasir had played her to the hilt and she had unwittingly done the dirty work, leading her right to them.

"What now?" she asked, looking at the destruction all around them.

"Now we get back to the Normandy and see what's on this disc!" Liara said excitedly.

XXX

"Shepard, how are you holding up? Really?"

After a short tour around the new Normandy, Shepard had brought Liara to her cabin so they could look at the information contained on the disc in private. On it they discovered that the Shadow Broker's base was located on Hagalaz, in the Osun System. It wasn't going to be an easy journey. The base was surrounded by an intense electrical storm that made it almost undetectable. Just getting the Normandy close enough to it to drop them off was going to be quite a feat. But Shepard had faith in Joker's ability and now all they had to do was wait until they arrived.

Shepard ran her hand through her messy hair and walked down the small steps to the open space before her bed. She was one step closer to finding Garrus, but somehow that thought did little to ease her mind. She didn't know what to expect, if he was still alive even. Usually a mercenary group like the Blood Pack didn't take hostages, they killed them onsite. Which meant that Garrus was being kept alive and tortured for a reason, and the more she thought about it, the more she came to realize that it was mostly like to make an example for her.

Once again she wrapped her arms around herself and turned away from the asari's penetrating gaze. Everywhere she looked was a reminder of him. "I don't know…" she said after a while. She felt Liara's hand on her back before she was drawn into her embrace. She let her head rest on her friend's shoulder and finally allowed herself to cry.

"I know," Liara whispered, rubbing her back soothingly. "I know exactly what you're going through. The Shadow Broker took someone I love too."

Shepard pulled back. "Feron?"

She nodded.

"How do you keep going, stay focused? Just knowing that Garrus is being tortured is tearing me apart."

"I use the anger it creates in me. It fuels me onward, toward my goal," Liara said.

That explained the changed that she noticed in her earlier. Gone was the bright-eyed naïve scientist, replaced by a hardened individual with only one thing on her mind: revenge.

Liara let go of her and went to sit on the couch. "I keep telling myself that when I rescue Feron we will find some boring planet and settle there and raise a family. Funny, I never imagined myself as the type that would be content with that kind of life. But that's what he wanted and I'd do anything to make him happy."

For the first time in what felt like days, Shepard smiled.

"What about you Shepard? What do you want?"

The small lines in her forehead increased as her brow furrowed. Nobody had ever asked her what she wanted. She hadn't thought about it much herself, what with the reapers and the collectors threatening the galaxy. Hell, she didn't know. She had only spent one night with Garrus before he disappeared. But even then she knew one thing for certain.

"I can't imagine my life without Garrus in it. Where ever we go, whatever we do, I want to be by his side forever. I've never felt this way about anyone before. Not even," she added when Liara opened her mouth to interject, "Kaidan. And I'll stop at nothing until Garrus is back here, alive and safe!"

Just then, Joker's voice came over the intercom. "Commander, we're coming up on Hagalaz."

XXX

Fighting the Shadow Broker's mercenaries on the exterior of his ship was a new experience for Shepard all together. It wasn't only the extremely hostile wind that threatened to blow them off into the turbulent atmosphere; they also had to contend with huge lightning rods that directed the bolts of electricity away from striking the bulk of the ship. More than once Shepard was able to use them to her advantage, firing a well-placed shot into its center to discharge the current, electrocuting anyone that was standing nearby.

As Liara attempted to hack the door to inside the base with a device she made sure that Shepard knew was illegal even on Illium and Omega, she and Grunt held the mercs at bay. It seemed to take forever but finally they were able to breach the door and fight their way inside. It was eerily quiet, save for the creaks and groans of the massive ship as it was battered by the storm outside.

After taking down a handful of mercs stationed by the door, they raced down the hallway, clearing the rooms as they went. When they were certain that no one else was coming, Shepard knelt down and tried to hack the large door in front of them.

"Feron!" Liara cried as she pushed throw the door.

The drell was strapped to a chair, all sorts of wires connected to his head, chest, and hands. They were standing in a small antechamber that was separated from the main room by a huge plate glass window. Immediately she ran to the console and started punching buttons.

"Liara no!" But his warning was severed by a strangled cry as an electrical current coursed through him. When it finally subsided he was left panting, desperate to catch his breath. "The machine is rigged Liara. It won't let me help y – " His scream once again filled the chamber.

"Feron!"

Shepard studied the console, trying to assess the data. "He's right. The machine is keeping him alive. Every time he goes into cardiac arrest it revives him. He can't die."

"There are some things much worse than death," he choked. "The past two years have been a waking nightmare."

Beside her, Liara started to shake. Shepard knew what was going through her mind, that she was blaming herself for not finding him sooner, for listening to him when he told her to go.

"Liara," Shepard said, taking her firmly by the shoulders. "You couldn't have known. Look at me! We need to find a way to cut the power. Then we can get him out. Okay?"

She nodded weakly. "I'll come back for you Feron. I promise. I'm not leaving you this time!"

They ran along the corridor, expecting to run into more operatives, but none came. With renewed energy and vengeance they opened the door at the end and walked into a large chamber. Sitting on the outskirts, behind a desk, was a bulky figure almost entirely encased in shadow. Shepard kept her rifle leveled on it as the three of them slowly advanced to the center of the room. Behind him, a row of monitors glowed, each showcasing various tidbits of information.

"Ah, Liara T'Soni. Your years of meddlesome searching have finally paid off," the figure rumbled. "What a pity that your efforts have only rewarded you with the loss of your life."

"I don't think so," Shepard retorted with an edge like cold steel to her voice.

"And I see you have brought Commander Shepard with you." He looked directly at her. "Have you had any luck in locating Archangel's whereabouts?"

"You son of a bitch!" She made an attempt to rush him but Liara held out her hand. She had another plan.

"Shut up you filthy yawg!"

She watched as the bulky figure bristled in his chair. She chanced looking away from her rifle and did a double take toward Liara. "W-what?"

Liara didn't look at her, directing her answer to the Shadow Broker instead. "Oh yes, I know all about you, yawg. And since the Shadow Broker predates the discovery of your species, I can only assume that you killed the previous Shadow Broker and took over his position. And because no one has ever seen him in person, the switch would have been relatively easy to make. What happened, did some slaver take you from your home world as a trophy…or dare I say it, _a pet?_"

Oh shit, Shepard thought and clenched her teeth together. "Liara, do you think it's wise to piss him off?" she whispered.

The answering howl that emanated from him told Shepard that they already had. He lifted both of his massive fists into the air and brought them down upon his desk, reducing it to a few large chunks. He hefted one of the pieces and hurled it toward them, but his aim was off and he ended up taking out one of the colossal pillars that bordered the perimeter of the circle. It wobbled and fell forward. Liara and Shepard were able to leap out of its way, but Grunt was slower to move and as a result was trapped unconscious underneath the weight of its girth.

Shepard didn't have time to help her teammate. The Shadow Broker charged toward them, heaving its hulking figure at them. He was faster than she imagined someone his size would be and ten times more powerful than a charging krogan. Their bullets seemed to bounce of him, only making him angrier instead of slowing him down. It went on and on like that, until both her and Liara's shields were depleted and they were almost out of ammo. Out of sheer frustration and anger she rushed at him and struck him with the butt of her rifle. He staggered back, stunned into momentary silence.

"Shepard, do that again!" Liara yelled, pointing to the ceiling.

It has a large glass trap that harnessed the electrical current in much the same way as the lightning rods outside had. Shepard nodded and attempted the same move. Just as she had him into the position, Liara's hand lit up with the blue power of her biotics and she pulled the crackling energy down upon him. The force of it all knocked Shepard off her feet and when she got back up the Shadow Broker was gone, reduced to nothing more than dust.

One by one, the monitors located behind the remnants of the desk flickered and went out, followed by the rest of the lights as the ship suffered a major power failure. It lasted only a moment as the secondary generators kicked in. Then the quiet area was besieged with operatives calling into to question why there was an interruption in their signal. Liara slowly gravitated toward it while Shepard ran over to Grunt and helped hoist the heavy pillar off him.

Liara's expression became more and more panicked as the calls kept coming in. Shepard helped Grunt to his feet and watched as she pressed the button, addressing all the operatives in a cloaked, synthetic voice.

"This is the Shadow Broker. There was a momentary power flux but everything is fine now. I want a status report on all projects now."

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Shepard asked softly once she had ended the transmission.

Liara took a deep breath and turned around. "Yes, I-I believe so. Think of all the information we have at our disposal, how we can use it against the upcoming fight with the reapers." She sounded like she was trying to convince herself even as the words exited her mouth.

"What about wanting to settle down and raise a family?" she asked, but Liara was no longer listening. Her gaze was focused on the door where Feron stood watching everything that had just transpired.

Liara walked over to him slowly and after a moment of hesitation they embraced. Shepard smiled weakly and averted her gaze, not wanting to intrude on such an intimate moment. She couldn't hear them, but she imagined Liara was explaining why she made the decision she had to Feron.

She sighed. They had done it. They'd destroyed the Shadow Broker. She was one obstacle closer to finding Garrus. She only hoped that somewhere in this hive of a ship they could find the information of where he was being held prisoner.

Later, after Liara had introduced Feron to her, she was still sifting through files of electronic information when Liara called out to her.

"Shepard, you're going to want to see this."

* * *

A/N: Sorry for such a terrible cliffhanger! I'll post again soon, I promise!


	12. A Thousand Points of Light

**A/N: **I promised I would post again soon and here I am! And just in time for Commander Shepard's birthday (April 11th).

In this chapter we've finally gone beyond the protection of a set ME plotline. There are no missions to fall back on, it's all coming straight out of my head. I'm eager to know what everyone thinks. Also, take a look at the A/N note at the end of this chapter. ~J

PS: Sorry for those who got the alert three times. There was some sort of malfunction yesterday and it wouldn't update. Thanks for hanging in there with me!

* * *

Shepard rushed over to Liara and peered over her shoulder at the words on the terminal. What they said made her blood pump hotly through her veins. It was a thread between the Shadow Broker and the Illusive Man.

_IM: It seems that both of us share a common interest in bringing Shepard down. It might be lucrative to join forces in pursuit of the same goal. _

_SB: I'm listening. _

_IM: I need you to make a member of Shepard's crew disappear and I'm willing to pay whatever it takes. _

_SB: Details please. _

_IM: Garrus Vakarian. _

_SB: Archangel?_

_IM: The same. But I don't want him killed right away. Shepard must be taught a lesson. I want her to pay. _

Her entire body went numb. So it was the Illusive Man that had orchestrated everything. He must have contacted the Shadow Broker right after she sent him the message about shoving his threats up his ass. Not for the first time she regretted being so hot headed. But she never thought he would incorporate the services of the Shadow Broker. Was there no limit on how low Cerberus was willing to go? No line they weren't willing to cross? Her mind drifted back to the dozens of occasions that she and her team had stopped some sort of crazy or inhumane experiment that they'd done in the past and wondered how she could have ever overlooked that to begin with. She had allowed Cerberus to sway her with the promise of helping with the reapers. That, and the misplaced guilt she had about them spending over four billion credits to rebuild her. But, as painful as it was to admit, the damage had been done. Now she had to focus on what she could do to fix it.

She shook her head to clear it of all thought and scrolled down to the next transmission.

_SB: I have entrusted a small faction of the Blood Pack to carry out the orders._

_IM: And?_

_SB: It was easy enough to falsify reports based on old information I had on a turian named Sidonis. Archangel is on his way to Illium to meet with a supposed contact. The Blood Pack will be waiting for him instead. _

_IM: Good. Notify me when he has been captured. _

The last transcript was time-stamped only hours after Garrus had disappeared.

_SB: Archangel has been successfully apprehended at Euphoria. Blood Pack mercenaries assassinated the two other members of Shepard's team that were with him. _

_IM: Everything appears to be in order then. What of Shepard?_

_SB: A package is being delivered to her as we speak. I believe its contents should make things clear enough. _

The memory of the shock and paralyzing fear she felt after opening that package came rushing back. She swallowed hard a couple times and tried to remain focused on reading the rest of the conversation.

_IM: And Archangel?_

_SB: The Blood Pack are taking him to the Dakka System in the Nubian Expanse._

_IM: I assume the necessary precautions are being taken?_

_SB: You're questions insult me. _

_IM: Fine. I will leave the details up to you then, so long as it's done._

_SB: A wise decision. Now, let's talk payment. _

The transmission ended there and Shepard couldn't find any more messages containing details of the transaction. It didn't matter though; she'd gathered enough information to point her in the right direction. Now that she knew that Garrus was being held somewhere in the Dakka System it was only a matter of time until she found him.

"What will you do now?" Liara asked, slicing through her thoughts. A worried frown hovered over her delicate features.

"Go find him," she said simply.

"And…and what about the precautions they were talking about?"

"My team brought down a reaper and stopped the collectors, a bunch of Blood Pack mercs aren't going to stop me," she stated. Instantly her shoulders squared and she stood up a bit straighter. "The Shadow Broker considered himself infallible and we penetrated his defenses. They don't stand a chance. Plus," she added. "No one but us knows he's really dead, thanks to you. The mercs won't even know we're coming."

"I sure hope you're right," Liara sighed.

The asari's eyes skirted away from hers and Shepard felt a twinge of guilt. Once again she'd been so caught up in how she was feeling that she failed to acknowledge what other people were going through.

"Liara, are you sure that this is what you want to do?"

She knew she'd asked her before, but Liara had been evasive, never really answering the question. And even though she smiled now it seemed forced, the corners of her mouth not reaching her eyes.

"I spent the better part of two years focused on revenge," Liara said eventually. "I got so caught up in it that I never really thought about what I would do afterward."

Shepard pulled in the corner of her mouth. Liara had waited two years for news that Feron was even alive. Two years of waiting, of wondering…of hurting. For her, it had only been a week since Garrus had been taken and it was damn near killing her. She couldn't imagine what Liara had felt.

"But," Liara continued, gazing through an open doorway to where Feron sat arguing with an incessant drone that insisted on calling him and everyone else in the room the Shadow Broker, "in the end I found what I wanted. So long as Feron and I are together, I can be happy almost anywhere. And truthfully, I started to enjoy my position as an information dealer. I think I can make some changes to this organization that might do some good."

Liara's noble efforts made her smile and she squeezed her arm gently. "I'm glad you're happy."

"You will be too," she promised. "Now go find Garrus!"

XXX

After bidding her old friend farewell and wishing her luck on her new endeavor, Shepard boarded the Normandy and quickly summoned the crew into the debriefing room. Grunt had filled them in on what had happened with the Shadow Broker, but she needed to inform them that she found out where Garrus was and her decision to head straight there. And she needed to get a couple of other things squared away before they left, starting with the members of the crew that still officially worked for Cerberus.

"Each and everyone one of you have all gone above and beyond the line of duty," she began, making eye contact with each crew member as she spoke. "You've earned my trust and in return I've been rewarded with your loyalty. There isn't anything that I wouldn't do for any of you." She started to pace back and forth, as she often did when she was giving a speech, pounding her fist into the palm of her other hand as she did so. "But the line between us and Cerberus has been clearly drawn and I need to know where my crew stands."

"What do you mean, Shepard?" Tali asked.

"It was the Illusive Man who arranged the ambush that got Denny killed, Zaeed wounded, and Garrus abducted." A collective gasp of shock went up through the crowd. "And what's more, he was working with the Shadow Broker to do it."

"Huh, I always knew it was only a matter of time until Cerberus turned on us," Jack spit.

"But why? Why would the Illusive Man do something like this?" Kelly asked.

Betrayal was never an easy pill to swallow. Shepard remembered the look on Kelly's face when she asked if she thought he might be involved after the vid of Garrus came through.

She took a deep breath and steeled herself. It was hard enough to acknowledge to herself that she was the root of the problem, let alone admit it to the entire crew. But they needed to know all the details if she wanted their help.

"He did it to set an example of what happens to someone when they defy him," she said slowly.

There was a long pause as they digested what she told them. But she didn't give anyone long enough to form their own assumptions of what happened.

"I'm afraid this time Jack is right. The Illusive Man and Cerberus are only out for their own gain. I wasn't willing to go along with the plans, because it goes against everything we've been fighting for. Cerberus has a checkered past with this sort of stuff and I made it damned clear that I wanted nothing to do with it. But I'm giving any crew members who still might be loyal to them a chance to leave now. No questions asked. No judgments made. This could be considered mutiny and I can't order everyone to go with me to rescue Garrus. You all have to make that decision for yourselves."

She gazed around the room at each one of their faces, gauging their expressions and how they were reacting to the news. Most of them were written with shock, some with pained disappointment, still others with anger. Her eyes centered and locked on her XO. Miranda had been loyal to the Illusive Man until the very end.

"Miranda?"

"I believe I told the Illusive Man how I felt back on the collector home world Shepard."

Shepard chuckled. It had been somewhat entertaining listening to Miranda resign. "Good," she nodded. "Jacob?"

He straightened into a posture that resonated with his military training. "Cerberus was just a job I took to escape all the Alliance political bullshit and actually get things done. I'm with you one hundred percent Commander."

"Okay," she grinned. "What about the rest of you?"

A rallying cry went up among the remaining crew members, all pledging their loyalty to Shepard. She breathed a sigh that was mixed with relief and satisfaction. But there was still one more issue that needed to be addressed – one that could be perhaps the most insidious of all them all.

"EDI, you were created by the Illusive Man essentially to spy on us and report the activity on this ship. You proved yourself when the collector's abducted the crew, but I need to know if you're willing to side with us once and for all."

"I am part of the Normandy, Commander, and you are my shipmates," the blue orb's smooth voice replied.

"EDI's cool," Joker said over the comm.

"I know," Shepard said, amused at Joker's quick reaction to defend the AI. It wasn't too long ago that he would have been one of the first to suggest disabling her. "I just have to make sure. EDI, I need you to disconnect any other listening devices and cameras that may still be active."

A few minutes passed by as EDI disappeared to scan the system. Then she popped back up in the hub at the table. "Done."

"Can we be tracked?"

"No."

"Good. With the help of Liara I have managed to pinpoint they system where Garrus is being held. I want to go there as soon as possible."

"Sounds good Commander," Joker said. "Just give me the word when you want to leave."

"Right now. Plot a course for the Nubian Expanse."

"You got it. ETA two hours and thirty minutes."

XXX

"What do you know about Tefnut?" Shepard leaned forward in her chair and laced her fingers together on top of the table in the mess hall. She had no experience in the way a group like the Blood Pack operated and had decided to ask the resident merc.

Zaeed shifted in his seat uncomfortably and winced as he rested his back against it. He was healing nicely, as well as someone who had been peppered with bullet holes could be expected to anyway. Once he was conscious he'd steadfastly refused any further application of medi-gel, claiming that it would only make him soft. But Shepard knew what was really going on. Kelly had stopped by almost daily to check up on him while he was recovering in the med bay and she was certain that he was trying to appear tough and rugged for her benefit, considering she had made her fascination with him and his scars plainly evident.

"Tefnut, you say? Not much," Zaeed answered with a shrug. "Only that it's the nearest refueling facility to the Nubian Expanse's relay and serves as a major gateway to the Terminus Systems. The population is spread out across four or five space stations scattered across its surface."

"Sounds like that might be a good place to start."

Again he lifted his shoulders in a casual shrug. "As good a place as any."

"You know, you're not filling me with much confidence here," she said dryly.

He passed a hand over his nose and mouth and gazed about the mess hall quietly before saying, "Back a couple of years ago the Blood Pack had a base located in the lower levels of the Baitayl space station. Wouldn't hurt to hit there first."

"That's helpful. Thanks." She sat back and pulled her leg up to rest it on her other knee as she considered him. "What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Well, Cerberus isn't funding you anymore. What are you going to do once you're healed?"

"I _am_ healed!" he shot back. "Ain't no bullet holes gonna keep me down for long. And I figure the Blood Pack have one helluva fight coming and I aim to stick around and give it to 'em. So you take me with you when we get there, you hear?" he said, pointing his forefinger at the table.

"All right. If you think you're up to it."

"Ga'damned right I'm up to it!"

XXX

Tefnut was an experience not unlike that of Omega or Illium. It afforded the visitor a variety of options to enhance their stay, such as mind-bending substances not welcome in Citadel Space, the opportunity to rent companionship for the evening, and locally produced entertainment. Resources were shipped in from the nearby planet of Yamm, which happened to be the only other one in the Dakka System.

After a long and rigorous search of Baitayl and the other four space stations turned up nothing, Shepard and Zaeed resorted to more forceful measures to entice the locals to talk about the location of the Blood Pack. Most of the community remained tight-lipped about the faction, giving Shepard the impression that they controlled the majority of the underground business on the space stations and used fear and threats to get what they wanted from the shop owners and residents. One weasely-faced kid sputtered that they managed their investments from Yamm, only dropping by the space stations twice a month to ensure everything was still functioning smoothly. But before Shepard could get any more information on it he had scurried away, yelling something about the penalty of talking about them.

In contrast, Yamm was a planet of extremes. Covered ninety percent by water, locating the base wasn't the problem. It was the violent winds and gruelingly long days that produced a radical difference in temperature that would make navigating the planet difficult. With the average day lasting about sixty nine hours, the surface was either a level one heat or cold hazard, depending on the position of the system's sun.

The hostile gusts of wind battered the small shuttle as it approached the surface and the sounds of a dust storm could be heard against the metal doors as they landed. The readings on Shepard's omni-tool told her that they wouldn't have very long to reach the inside of the base before they were overcome by the intense heat.

The shuttle touched down on the edge of a large clearing and from what she could see through the thick cloud of blowing dust, the exterior of the base was unguarded. Already she could feel the heat beating down on her armor, warming up the inside. A thin layer of sweat was forming like a blanket on her skin and soaking through her uniform underneath. She had to shield her face so that the dirt wouldn't get in her eyes and regretted immediately her decision to go without a helmet.

Behind her Miranda, Jacob, and Zaeed were all having similar experiences. The only one who seemed unaffected was Legion. Because she didn't know what to expect, she had opted for a slightly larger ground crew than she normally took out on missions.

"This planet is inhabitable?" Miranda asked incredulously over the comm.

Shepard shook her head. She couldn't understand why anyone would want to live there either, but it supposedly had a population that tripled that of Tefnut. "I don't get it either. Come on, we don't have much time," she said, looking at the heat indicator on her omni-tool.

They took off at a run through the open clearing, making it a few steps in before something clicked, followed by a series of beeps that grew louder and closer together.

"Look out!" Shepard barely had time to yell out the warning before the ground underneath them exploded with shrapnel and sent Miranda flying backward. "Nobody go any farther! Retrace your steps and move back!"

Sweat was now beading down her chest in rivulets, both from the heat and the pressure not to set off another explosion. She ran to where Miranda had landed roughly and was now clutching her shin. She heard Jacob's footsteps as he slid to the ground next to her.

"Miranda, you okay?" he asked as he pulled out a packet of medi-gel.

"We need to get back to the shuttle," Shepard advised. "It's getting too hot and we need to figure out what the hell just happened."

She helped Jacob lift Miranda and carried her back to the shuttle. While he held her hand and tried to get her to focus on something else, Shepard managed to pry Miranda's steel like grip away from her leg. Several pieces of metal shrapnel of varying sizes had embedded themselves into her soft skin, some even digging their way into the bone. Miranda hissed and squeezed Jacob's hand harder.

"She'll be all right," Shepard assured him. "But she needs medical attention now. Take the shuttle and get her back to the Normandy. Legion, Zaeed, and I will go on ahead."

"Are you sure about this?" he queried. "What the hell were those things?"

"Proximity mines," Legion said. "Shepard Commander, we have managed to map out the location of each mine and have devised a pathway to the other side."

Zaeed stepped up beside the geth and studied the map he had produced on his omni-tool. "It looks like they're all really close together. We would never have stood a chance. Good work," he said, smacking Legion on the back.

"Honestly, I didn't think vorcha were smart enough to rig the area with traps," Jacob said disdainfully, still holding on to Miranda's hand. "Krogan maybe, but definitely not vorcha."

"You've got to remember, they had the Shadow Broker helping them out," Shepard replied. She couldn't believe she'd been so smug about how easy of a job this mission would be. Because of her cockiness, she had almost gotten a member of her team killed and they weren't even inside the base yet.

"Be careful out there," Jacob told them.

"We'll radio when we're ready for you to send the shuttle back to get us." Shepard said before she dashed out the door into the hazy dust storm once again.

It was hard enough to move the small team the exact number of paces required to navigate through the mine field, but the wind was making it next to impossible. It threatened to blow them over on more than one occasion and they had to fight to maintain their balance and stay on the path. Step by excruciatingly small step they walked into the heart of the clearing. Zaeed was armed with a handful of markers that were normally used for noting the location of minerals. He had found them stashed in the corner of the shuttle and was using them to mark the path so they could make a quick exit. And all the while the heat indicator on Shepard's omni-tool continued to escalate.

"We're starting to fry!" Zaeed shouted at Legion. "Get us through this shit faster!"

Legion picked up the pace, winding through the sand with Zaeed right on his heels. Shepard struggled to keep up with them, but the temperature under her armor was quickly becoming unbearable. She wiped the ridge of her prow in a vain attempt to push the sweat away from her eyes. They were almost to the entrance of the base, and thankfully it had a metal ledge right before the door. Panting, she focused on keeping Zaeed's back in sight, but he was far enough ahead that his form was beginning to get swallowed up by the swirling dust. She was almost there when she heard the telltale 'click' of a mine as it armed itself.

"Jump!" was all she heard before she lunged toward the ledge. The mine went off, sending a plume of sand, shrapnel, and smoke into the air. Her shoulder and side struck metal as her body landed against the door of the base.

"I'm all right," she coughed, holding out her hand to stay her concerned teammates. She slowly got to her feet. "Let's just get inside."

The door was unlocked and there were no security features in place around the immediate vicinity. It should have tipped Shepard off, but at the moment she was just glad to be in cooler atmosphere. The hallway in front of them was completely deserted and halfway down the brick red metal walls gave way to older concrete that was covered with vines. The air itself was heavy and damp and water dripped off in the distance though she couldn't tell what direction it was coming from.

When they reached the doorway at the end of the hall they were met with a fork. Each direction looked identical to the other one and Shepard had a sickening feeling that the whole place was one giant maze. She took out her assault rifle and stepped through the door. A loud beep followed as she did so and the three of them braced themselves for the inevitable explosion that would follow the detonation of another proximity mine. But the explosion never came.

"What the hell was that?" Even Zaeed sounded rattled this time.

"I don't know. EDI, can you give us any readings?"

"Shepard," EDI's tone sounded grave, although she thought she could just be imagining it, "your presence has triggered a bomb."

"A bomb?" she interrupted. "How big of a bomb?"

"One that will easily level this entire facility."

"Fuck! How much time do we have?"

"Ten minutes."

Shepard could feel the blood drain from her face. Now she was suddenly faced with the decision to risk her team's lives in order to save Garrus, or sacrifice Garrus in order to get the team out. She didn't know what to do and her indecision had frozen her to the spot.

"Shepard! Get moving!" Zaeed snapped, bringing her back into focus. She looked up to see him standing in the hallway to the right, ready to press on and she breathed a sigh of relief that they were both willing to keep going.

"EDI, keep me updated on that counter!" she ordered, rushing past Zaeed.

They raced down the empty hallway, clearing the rooms as they came upon them. They only encountered a handful of vorcha here and there, no doubt left by the krogans as fodder to slow them down and eat up the time to detonation. The vorcha were easy enough to dispatch but they were having the desired effect.

"Five minutes Commander," EDI said.

"Shit! Already?"

There was no way they could search and clear the entire building in five minutes. As they rounded yet another corner she stopped, Zaeed and Legion almost crashing into her.

"I want you two to go back. If you leave now you'll still have time to clear the mind field before this place gets blown sky high."

"But Shepard," Zaeed protested. "That's suicide!"

"I said go goddamit!" she fired back. "That's an order!"

"Four minutes."

Zaeed stared at her and then reluctantly nodded and took off in the opposite direction. She wasted a few precious seconds to watch them as they turned the corner and then continued on down the corridor. More vorcha waited for her as she burst through the door into a large room. Without stopping to blink she took out the two that stood by a door on the far side of the room and hit a third that tried to rush her with the butt of her rifle. She quickly gazed around and counted not one but three exits to the room. Praying that she was making the right decision, she bounded over to the one the vorcha had been protecting.

"One minute, thirty seconds Commander."

It was out of sheer will that she drove herself down the long hallway, pushing her body to the limit when it all it wanted to do was give up and accept its fate. The sheen of metal glimmered in the distance and as she got closer she could see a giant red door.

"Nineteen, eighteen, seventeen…"

The door had a panel on it, one that she could have easily hacked under normal circumstances. But upon closer inspection she saw that the wires had been cut, some ripped right out of the circuit board.

"….thirteen, twelve, eleven…"

She stepped back and wrenched the grenade launcher from its holster and fired it at the door. A ball of fire exploded around her but when it cleared it left a hole in the twisted metal just large enough for her to fit through.

"…ten, nine, eight…"

She immediately recognized the room beyond. The same florescent light flickered above while vines hung down from huge metal beams in the ceiling and attached themselves to the stone walls. Water dripped down at a frenzied pace, splashing to the floor which was covered in water that reached to the top of her foot.

"…seven, six…"

Against the far, Garrus lay on his side, unmoving. His back was turned to her but she could tell even from where she stood that he was unconscious, or worse.

"…five, four…"

"EDI, tell Miranda she's in charge!" she yelled into the comm.

"…three, two…"

She dropped the grenade launcher and sprinted across the small room, throwing herself protectively over Garrus's body just as the AI reached the end of the countdown.

* * *

**A/N: **So, in my other stories, I'm known as the champion of plot twists and convulted story lines. I've had so much fun writing this story and must confess that I don't want to see it end. That being said, I would like to know from my readers if I should continue this story once the current plot line has ended, or if doing so would cause the story to become stupid. I have created a poll on my profile with some options. Please let me know what you think! ~J


	13. Whispers in the Dark

**A/N: **Thanks to everyone who submitted their vote! I'm leaving the poll open for those of you who still want to cast their vote.

In this chapter I really wanted to go more indepth about medi-gel. In the game it's an awesome way to explain how everyone can just get up and walk away. Here I wanted it to be more realistic.

Hope you like! ~J

* * *

Voices. Muffled, but unmistakably panicked. Footsteps…hurried, frantic. And beeping. Something beeping, its shrill sound growing louder and more insistent. The darkness, black and comforting, began to recede, chased away by a searing white light. It begged entry into the fuzzy nothingness and in the end its bright rays were undeniable.

Shepard's lids parted slightly, the light from the harsh fluorescents above causing her to blink several times. While her vision was still blurred, she thought she could make out the metal beams of a ceiling, although it was difficult to stay focused given that the room was swaying violently around her. She fought to keep her eyes open but the call of the darkness was too hard to resist when all she wanted to do was surrender to it.

"Shepard's awake!"

Suddenly several hands fell upon her, touching her arms, brushing against her forehead, squeezing her hand.

"Shepard, stay with me!"

She lifted her lids again and the face of Dr. Chakwas floated into view. She wore a look of concern but smiled warmly as she looked down on her.

"Good…that's good Shepard," the doctor said. "You're doing all right."

With newfound consciousness also came an overwhelming awareness of pain. Her head felt like it weighed a metric ton and pounded so hard she had to close her eyes to keep herself from getting sick. It felt as though every muscle in her body had been stretched beyond its capacity and then tied into knots. Just moving her head side to side took effort.

The last time she remembered waking up like this she was in a Cerberus lab, being told that she'd been dead for two years. That thought immediately filled her with dread. She swallowed hard a few times, a task she found to be more difficult than expected, and opened her eyes again.

"W-where am I?" Her throat was so dry it hurt, making even those simple words crack.

"You're in the med bay on the Normandy," Dr. Chakwas answered calmly. "Try not to move too much."

She nodded, or at least she thought she did. The room continued to spin wildly around her. She took several deep breaths and waited for it to stop. The frenzied commotion and incessant beeping could still be heard, even though everything appeared to be calm around her.

"What happened?" Her mind was cloudy and it hurt to think. Vaguely, she noticed that Miranda had stepped up next to the doctor and was peering down at her with an expression that she couldn't identify.

"You were in the base when that bomb went off Commander," Miranda replied slowly.

"If it wasn't for your armor and enhanced cybernetics, coupled with the fact that a large metal beam fell from the ceiling and shielded you from the heaviest rubble, you would have most certainly been crushed to death," Dr. Chakwas added.

It all came rushing back then. The mine field, the bomb and its countdown, dashing from room to room, Garrus laying on the ground in a puddle of water.

"Garrus," she managed to sputter hoarsely. "Where's Garrus?"

Dr. Chakwas's gaze skirted away from hers and dropped to the floor. She swung her eyes to Miranda questioningly, but she too looked away evasively. The busy sounds of the med bay faded into the background as an icy feeling settled over her body.

"Where is he" she repeated with a rising note of hysteria. "Why won't either one of you tell me what's going on? What happened?"

She tried to sit up and for the first time noticed that she was wearing a starched white hospital gown. Several tubes and wires ran the length of her arms, attached to sensors on her chest and stomach while one tube in particular went to the IV stuck into the fleshy part in her elbow.

Dr. Chakwas laid a hand firmly on her shoulder. "You really need to lie down Commander."

"No! Not until you tell me where Garrus is!"

She grabbed all the wires in one hand and yanked the sensors off her chest. Then, despite the doctor's vehement protestations, she pulled out the IV. The alarm on the machine behind her complained loudly as it lost her vital signs. Despite Dr. Chakwas's attempts to keep her on the exam table, Shepard managed to push her aside and placed her bare feet on the cold floor and slowly straightened. She had to put her hand on the edge of the table to keep herself upright. Once she had her bearings she quickly scanned the room. She saw Mordin over in the far corner leaning over Garrus's prone form and her heart caught in her throat.

"He's alive," Dr. Chakwas said from behind her. "But only barely."

"How long have I been out?" she asked in a whisper.

"It's been about six hours since you were brought to the Normandy. We've been fighting to stabilize him ever since."

Taking small steps she approached the exam table where Garrus lay motionless and broken. Tears welled up in her eyes as she took in the sight of him. The long trench-like scar from the gunship was clearly visible on his cheek, as were many other fresh cuts and scratches. The normally tan skin on his face was discolored as a result of all the bruising, making it appear almost black. The swelling around his left eye looked like it had gone down a bit, but it was a hardly a consolation when his right mandible had to be stitched back together.

A veritable rat's nest of tubes, similar to the ones that she had just ripped off herself, covered his all but naked body. They jutted out from both his mouth and nose, some disappearing into his arms. The same colorful tangle of wires connected the sensors to his chest, back, and sides.

As her eyes roamed over his damaged body she found more bruising around his collarbone and ribs, evidence that they had been broken. But most horrible of all to behold were the numerous burn marks scattered all over his torso. She guessed they had been caused by the electrical current from the live wire the mercs had repeatedly touched against his flesh and the image it suddenly conjured in her mind made her wince.

All the while she stared at him the sound of the value to the breathing machine next to him filled her ears, making a soft sucking noise followed by a _cha-chunk_ as it compressed and decompressed, forcing air in and out of his lungs. Beside that, a heart monitor kept track of an erratic beat, beeping out an unsteady rhythm. She didn't know what exactly qualified as normal for turians, but she knew what the device was telling her wasn't good.

Intermingled with all the turmoil and electronic noise she heard fractured sobbing and it took her a full minute to realize that the sound was coming from her. Dr. Chakwas's hand crept to her shoulder and tried to pull her away, but she refused to move.

"I'm not going to lie to you, he's in really bad shape," she said lowly. "He has been unconscious since we dug him out of the rubble, and who knows how long before that. It doesn't look good."

Shepard gently took one of his limp hands in hers and ran her fingers over the rough skin while the doctor continued to drone on beside her.

"Besides having most of his ribs broken, he also suffered a broken leg and a number of internal injuries. Most," she added, "were not due to the building's collapse."

"We found your body sprawled over his," Miranda said. Shepard turned back to look at her. She had forgotten that she was still standing behind them. "You took most of the weight."

"Regardless of his condition prior to the bomb's detonation, that sacrifice saved his life. No matter what happens from here on out Shepard, never forget that." Dr. Chakwas told her.

Mordin finished calculating the data on his omni-tool and straightened. "Preliminary brain scans all showing normal but still too early to tell if permanent damage sustained." He walked off with his head down, lost in thought and mumbling to himself.

"What about medi-gel?" Shepard asked. It had always been their go-to product for treating the wounded in the battlefield.

"Our main priority right now is to get him stabilized," Dr. Chakwas replied, slipping into her professional voice. "Medi-gel is not quite the miracle drug everyone thinks it is. You should know that," she added, pointing to Shepard's shoulder. Absently she rubbed the place where she took the bullet. The wound had healed but she still suffered from stiffness and soreness everyone once in a while, especially in the mornings or after a hard mission. Now it was virtually impossible to tell, since every other muscle in her body ached with the same intensity.

"It will help bones knit together faster and speed up the recovery from a bullet hole or cut if it's large enough not to heal on its own, but it won't do anything for injuries that lay buried deep within the muscle or any damage done to his internal organs. All we can do now is wait and see." She grabbed Shepard by the elbow and led her away from the table to the center of the room. Miranda followed close behind them. "There's nothing you can do for him right now. What you need most at the moment is rest. You took a big hit yourself."

"I'm fine," she assured them, even as her body screamed back defiantly. It was becoming an effort just to stay upright.

"Don't be silly Shepard," Miranda chastised. "I can see your legs shaking as you stand here. A hot shower and a good meal would probably make you feel a whole lot better. While you're doing that I can inform the rest of the crew that you're awake. They've been really worried."

She could see that arguing with them was going to get her nowhere. And they were probably right. She at least needed to change out of the revealing hospital gown if nothing else. So she acquiesced and followed Miranda out of the med bay. Though she did her best to hide it, Shepard noticed that there was a slight limp to her walk.

"How is your leg?"

"It wasn't as bad as it looked. Once Mordin removed all the shrapnel and cleaned it out, it was all just minor scratches. Nothing to worry about."

"That's a relief."

The bell chimed to announce the elevator's arrival and Shepard stepped through. She had her finger on the button when Miranda put her hand on the frame to keep the doors from sliding shut.

"You did a good thing back there Shepard."

The ever present tears that always seemed to be lurking behind her eyes as of late sprang forth and she had to bite her lip to keep them from escaping down her cheeks. "I hope so…I hope I got to him in time and that…" she trailed off and made no effort to finish the sentence.

"I know." Miranda said as she let go of the frame and stepped back. "Me too."

Her cabin was uncharacteristically dark, a testament to the fact that she hadn't been there for a while. How many days ago had she teamed up with Liara to bring down the Shadow Broker? The stark emptiness made the knot in her stomach grow larger. As crazy as it sounded, right now she much preferred the beeping of the machines in the med bay to the awkward silence that she was privy to at the moment.

Off to the side her fish tank bubbled away, the new fish she purchased on Illium safe and happy in their new environment. Someone had obviously been feeding them – Kelly probably. She padded quietly past it and opened up the drawer to choose something a bit more comfortable to wear. Deciding that her condition probably wouldn't warrant wearing her sweats and t-shirt around the Normandy, she begrudgingly picked out what was once her favorite Cerberus uniform and walked back up the steps to the bathroom.

She was not prepared for the sight that met her eyes when she walked in and set her clothes down by the sink. How come nobody had told her she looked like a freak? No wonder Dr. Chakwas and Miranda had tried so hard to get her to rest. She had never imagined – probably because she could walk around with relative ease – that she had taken that much damage. Both her eyes were circled with large purple and blue bruises, the normally white irises bloodshot to the point that they appeared solid red. The bruising went halfway down her cheek on the right side. Even her lips hadn't remained unscathed; the delicate tissue haing received several smaller cuts.

A deep jagged gash began just above her left eyebrow and disappeared well into hair that was mottled and still caked with dried mud and dust. She traced the rough black stitches that ran along her part to where it stopped just below the crown of her head.

Though not as extensive, the rest of her body hadn't faired much better. Aside from the overall soreness, she had small bruises from where the seams of her armor had pressed against her skin from the weight of the rubble.

Miranda had been right about one thing; the hot water from the shower felt wonderfully refreshing. She stood under the steady stream for a long time, letting the water rinse away all the dirt and grime, loosening up her tense muscles. Maybe if she stood there long enough, it would rinse away the guilt she felt at not getting to Garrus soon enough.

Her legs however, had no such plan. After a while they began to ache, begging for a reprieve. She turned off the faucets and grabbed a towel, taking care not to pull out her stitches as she wiped the water off her swollen cheeks.

_I supposed that's what I get for not wearing my helmet_, she scoffed with an eye roll.

Against the doctor's orders she pulled on her uniform and left the secluded cabin. The thought of being up there, alone with nothing but her own dark thoughts didn't sit well with her right now. She needed to be around people – she needed to be with Garrus. And since Miranda had mentioned that the crew had been worried about her, she decided it would be a good idea to check in with them.

"Shepard!" Kelly screeched as soon as she set foot in the CIC. She ran over and flung her arms around her. "I'm so glad you're okay!" Shepard managed to utter a strangled moan as Kelly unknowingly pushed against her bruised and battered body. The redhead pulled away with a look of horror on her face and covered her mouth with her hands. "Oh my God, I'm so sorry! I didn't realize…"

"It's all right Kelly," she assured her, even as she rubbed one of the sore spots on her ribs. "No additional harm done."

Kelly raised an eyebrow disapprovingly. "You joke now, but I was really worried about you. We all were." She paused. "How's Garrus?"

Shepard dropped her gaze to her feet. "I…don't know. Dr. Chakwas says it's been touch and go."

Kelly reached out and squeezed her hand. "Garrus is one tough turian. He'll be okay. He just has to!"

"I hope you're right," Shepard said with a weak smile.

"I am! You'll see," Kelly grinned and then added, "I think it was totally romantic the way you threw yourself on top of him to protect him!"

"Only you would," she said with a small laugh and waved as she walked away.

Jacob was standing near the entrance to the armory, his hands clasped firmly behind his back. _You can take the man out of the military…_Shepard thought. "Can I speak with you a moment Shepard?" he asked as she approached him.

"What is it Jacob?"

She folded her arms over her chest and waited patiently to hear what he had to say. But when he stepped aside and motioned her into the armory she knew that this wasn't going to be just a quick chat. As soon as the door closed behind him he lit into her.

"With all due respect Commander, that was a damn stupid thing for you to do!"

"Watch yourself," was all she could get out before he continued on his tirade.

"Did you ever stop to think about the reapers? Or the Illusive Man? You're the only one in this whole damn galaxy that seems capable of uniting the people needed to fight these assholes! Did you even think about what would have happened to the rest of us if you had died again?"

Suddenly she was eight years old again, being lectured by her father for greasing the walkway in the cafeteria of the space station. As much as she wanted to be angry at Jacob for lecturing her, he was right to some degree. Although she didn't consider saving Garrus to be selfish.

"I appreciate your concern Jacob, but –"

"You're letting your feelings for that cuttlebone to get in the way of your better judgment."

"I would have done that for any member of my crew," she snapped, "regardless of my affiliations with them! I'm not in the habit of leaving anyone behind to die! I suggest you remember who's in charge here!"

She didn't wait for him to reply. Pivoting on her heel she stormed out of the armory and b-lined for the elevator, hitting the button with such force that Kelly stopped typing and looked up from her terminal. Shepard remained silent and rushed into the elevator as soon as it opened. But instead of choosing which deck she wanted to go to next once the doors closed again, she leaned against the rear wall and took several deep breaths to calm herself.

She was shaking with raw emotion, but it wasn't anger over Jacob's comments that had her so flustered. No, deep down she knew he was right and she didn't want to admit it. Sure, she would have gone in with guns blazing if another member of her crew had been in Garrus's place. But the decision on when to draw the line and get the hell out of there would have been more concise. For the good of the crew she would have chosen to cut her losses and save the rest. Hell, she'd had to make that decision with Ashley on Virmire. She didn't like that fact that for the first time in her career she had allowed her feelings for someone to compromise her ability to command.

With a resigned sigh she pushed the button for the third deck and waited as the elevator moved down on floor.

"That was one hell of an explosion, Commander," Zaeed said as Shepard rounded the corner.

He was sitting in the same chair at the mess hall table as he had been the last time they'd talked, although now his position seemed a bit more relaxed. He had the chair swiveled away from the table so he could casually cross one leg on top of the other, and had one elbow on the back of the chair while the other on rested on the tabletop.

"I'll have to take your word for it," she quipped. "Didn't seem near as exciting from the inside."

"Ah, you missed quite a show! The explosion from the bomb inside triggered a chain reaction of the mine field outside. The shuttle that picked us up had barely gotten off the ground before everything went to hell in a fiery mess."

"Thanks for that," Shepard replied dryly. "I really appreciate your enthusiasm."

"What can I say? I really like watching shit blow up. But I'm glad you and the turian made it. You make sure he knows what you went through."

"Will do." At least she avoided another lecture. But she'd had her fill of talking to the crew for the time being.

Dr. Chakwas was sitting at her desk when Shepard entered.

"How are you feeling Commander?" she asked, turning in her chair.

"Better than I look."

"Yes well, considering that you had a building collapse around you, I'd say you look pretty damn good," she laughed.

Shepard tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ears. "Yeah, Zaeed told me about the mines."

"Digging you out wasn't an easy task, that's for sure. The high temperatures made it impossible for the ground team to stay out there for long. We had to leave the two of you longer than we would have liked while we waited for dusk to fall, since it evened out the temperatures and allowed us to actually be outside the shuttle for a longer period of time."

"Thanks for taking such a big risk," she said sincerely. "I really do appreciate it."

"You would have done the same for us."

Shepard gazed across the room at Garrus and all the machines that fought to keep him alive and wrapped her arms protectively around herself. "Has he made any improvements?"

"No." Dr. Chakwas stood up and flicked her eyes in his direction before she put a hand on Shepard's arm and forced her to make eye contact. "I've done all I can. Now it's up to him to fight. I know it's not what you want to hear, but you need to prepare yourself for the worst."

Shepard swallowed hard and tightened the grip she had around herself. "Can I have a minute alone with him?"

"Certainly Shepard. I'll be in the crew quarters if you need anything. Stay in here as long as you like."

She waited until the doctor had left the room and then slowly advanced toward him. For a minute all she could do was stare down at him while a myriad of emotions fluttered across her mind; relief, anger, fear. Slowly she raised her hand and hesitantly touched his brow, gently brushing her fingers over it and down the side of his face. Then she grabbed his hand in both of hers and lifted it so that she could nuzzle her cheek against it. Fresh tears escaped from her eyes and fell over his fingers. She placed her lips on the back of his hand and finally released everything she had kept bottled up inside. Her entire body shook as she silently cried, holding tight to his hand as if it were a lifeline, thinking that if she refused to let go, she could somehow keep him here with her forever.

She sniffed and wiped her tears off on the sleeve of her upper arm and then placed his hand back on the table beside him. There was no sign of awareness on his face, no tremor in his hands that indicated he knew she was there, but she knew that sometimes the comatose could hear and thought it was worth a shot.

"Garrus? Garrus, I'm so sorry," she sobbed. "This is all my fault! I'll make this right, I promise, if I have to kill the Illusive Man with my bare hands!"

She went to the cabinet and pulled out a blanket and draped it over him, tucking the sides in snugly to keep him warm. Then she ran her hand over his fringe and leaned down so that her face was very close to his.

"I told you I'd find you," she whispered. "Please don't leave me now. Fight with everything you have left Garrus. Please! I can't do this without you."

XXX

"Shepard?"

Someone nudged her shoulder and she bolted awake, sitting up with a start. How long had she been asleep? All she had meant to do was put her head down for a few minutes and rest. Everything slowly came into focus as her heartbeat slowed.

Tali hovered above her. "You haven't left this room in days. You're exhausted. You need to get a good night's rest and you're not going to get it if you while you insist on keeping a vigil," she softly chided.

Shepard was seated in a chair that she had pulled close to Garrus's exam table and had been resting her head in her folded arms on the edge of it before she'd been woken up.

"I'm fine. There are plenty of beds in here if I need sleep."

"Those aren't beds, they're exam tables! And hardly what I'd call comfortable. When was the last time you got more than fifteen minutes of sleep at a time?" She waited patiently for Shepard to answer and her silence only confirmed what she was thinking. "Uh huh, that's what I thought."

She had refused to leave Garrus's side, afraid that the moment she left he might wake up and she wouldn't be there. Even Miranda's protests about failing to perform her duties were not enough to persuade her. She didn't care about any of it anymore. She'd given her executive officer the order to take over temporary command of the Normandy and told her to tell the rest of the crew to leave her the hell alone. Jacob's harsh words replayed in her mind but they too were irrelevant. None of it mattered.

Her only concern was for Garrus.

"Look Tali, it's very touching and all that you're worried about me, but I'm fine, really. And I'm not leaving."

Tali sighed loudly and threw her hands up in a gesture of hopelessness before she walked out. A few minutes later Dr. Chakwas came through the door. She stepped up next to Shepard and folded her arms over her breasts.

"Commander, you're resistance is doing nothing to improve your health. You're never going to recover if you don't get some damned rest!" she said sternly. "Now, I'm the doctor and I order you to go up to your cabin and sleep!"

Shepard turned to her, her narrowed eyes as cold as ice. "I don't give a fuck about your orders. I am _not_ leaving his side!"

She knew that the doctor was getting worried about her. She hadn't slept in days. Every time she felt herself dozing off she would jerk awake, forcing herself to keep her eyes open. Garrus needed her. Her body screamed at the abuse. The already sore muscles made even worse by the long hours that she'd sit in the chair, watching…waiting. She honestly couldn't remember the last time she'd eaten anything and she refused to let the crew wait on her.

Dr. Chakwas sighed in frustration and trudged to her cabinet. Shepard didn't look at her but thought she saw her grab something out of the corner of her eye.

"At least let me put some medi-gel on that gash of yours, before it get's infected," she said and brushed away the hair on her forehead so she could smear on the cold blue goo.

Shepard jumped out of her chair as if it had suddenly been electrified. As she staggered away her frantic movements caused the chair to skid backward and as it toppled over it collided with the metal tray of instruments and sent them both clattering to the ground with a loud crash.

"Shepard! What the hell has gotten into you?" she demanded.

"I…it's…" she panted. "Just leave it alone, okay. It's fine."

Dr. Chakwas stared back at her incredulously, her mouth slight agape. How could she tell her that she wanted to keep the scar it would leave as a reminder of Garrus if he…

"Is everything all right in here?"

Shepard's thoughts were interrupted as Mess Sergeant Gardner and Thane burst into the room. Dr. Chakwas nodded and lifted her hand toward Shepard. All eyes settled on her and suddenly she felt very self conscious under their scrutiny.

"It was nothing," she explained hastily. "I-I just got up too fast and knocked over the instrument tray."

"We heard the crash and wanted to make sure that everyone was okay," Thane said.

"Sorry," Shepard replied sheepishly.

She bent down and started to gather the scattered tools in her hands. Dr. Chakwas calmly took them from her and motioned for her to get up. "Thank you gentlemen," she said. "Shepard, while Gardner is here, will you at least let him make you something to eat?"

She stood up slowly and brushed her hands off on her hips. "Yes," she agreed reluctantly.

Gardner clapped her on the shoulder. "Excellent! What would you like?"

He droned on about the possible entrees he could whip up and she followed them out. They had just reached the door when the machines went haywire, sending the usual monotony of calm beeping into a frenzy. Shepard whipped around in time to see the line on the heart monitor go flat.

"Garrus?"

"He's gone into arrest!" Dr. Chakwas yelled as she raced over to him and quickly surveyed the data on the machine. She slammed her fist against his chest but the monitor still wouldn't pick up a heartbeat. "Someone call Mordin! I'm going to need his help!"

"_Garrus!" _Shepard screamed again.

She hurried toward his bed but Dr. Chakwas intervened. "Get her out of here!"

Gardner's arms slipped around her waist. She fought wildly against him, turning and twisting to make it impossible for him to keep a hold on her. "No!" she cried. "You can't do this!" She continued to thrash around until eventually Thane was able to catch her hands and restrain them. "This is my fucken ship! Let me go!" Together the hoisted her off her feet and dragged her from the room. _"That's an order goddamit!" _

The door to the med bay slid shut, the entry pad immediately turning red as Shepard's hysterical pleas echoed around her.

XXX

Shepard sat at the table in the mess hall, staring off into space. She felt numb. She had faced reapers and collectors, thresher maws and impossible odds, but never had she felt fear such as this before. Dr. Chakwas and Mordin had been in there for several minutes. The windows had been darkened so that she couldn't see in and it was killing her that she didn't know what was happening.

Vaguely she was aware that a small crowd had gathered around the mess hall, filled with members of the crew that were concerned about Garrus. She didn't pay attention to any of them, however. Her eyes were fixated on the red panel of the door.

At one point Kelly came up to her and smoothed down her hair, whispering platitudes to her, but they fell on deaf ears. She was too wrapped up in her own thoughts. In her mind she pictured the easy way Garrus smiled, how he always walked onto the battlefield with measure calm, taking the time to sight his target before he pulled the trigger of his sniper rifle for a precise shot, the way his voice always seemed to communicate how he felt about her, even when he was angry. In those brief minutes the entire time they had been friends and served together flashed before her eyes.

The door to the med bay opened and Dr. Chakwas stepped out, followed by Mordin. Her expression was somber and immediately Shepard's heart leapt to her throat.

"I'm sorry Shepard…"

"No."

"We've done all we can do."

"No," she cried and shook her head. Tears coursed down her cheeks and soaked into her shirt as they dripped off her chin. "No, please!"

"I've disconnected the machines and removed his breathing tube. I think you need to go in there."

Her heart sank. She lifted her head and took in the many faces of those around her. Kelly's hands fluttered to her mouth, Miranda buried her fingers in her hair and looked down at the floor, Gabby cried and threw herself into Ken's arms. Even Jacob looked remorseful. She bit her lip and looked up to the ceiling and took a deep breath. Her face contorted from the effort as she tried to gather her strength to go in there and say her last goodbyes. Finally she nodded at Dr. Chakwas. Straightening, she steeled herself and walked into the room.

"Damn Shepard," she heard him rasp as the door slid shut behind her. "What the hell happened to you?"


	14. Beyond the Horizon

**A/N:** Wow, this is going to be the mother of all author's notes!

First off, let me start off by saying what an _incredible_ journey this has been! In the few short months this story has been up, it has managed to amass over 13,300 hits, making it the most successful story I have ever done! I could not have accomplished it without all the loyal readers that have waited patiently and sometimes with baited breath every week for the next chapter. My heartfelt thanks goes out to everybody that has read, alerted, or favorited this story and me as an author - especially those of you who took the time to review and let me know what you think. You guys know who you are ;) And a very special thanks to everyone that cast their vote or told me in a review or PM that they wanted a sequel.

I have decided to pursue the sequel. (Honestly, how could I not?) It will basically pick up right where this story leaves off and will continue into my own version of ME3. I will also try to keep to my schedule of weekly updates. If you haven't put me on author alert yet, I highly encourage you to do so, as I do not yet know what the title of this new story will be.

For this chapter I took a little extra time so that I could make sure it brought the story to a satisfying close. I hope you like it.

Much love! ~Jamie

**UPDATE: **The first two chapters of the sequel are up. It's called _If We Die Tomorrow_.

* * *

"Garrus?"

The brave front she had fought so hard to put on for the members of the crew out in the mess hall crumbled. She had prepared herself to find his lifeless body lying on the cold table and her body was still weighted down from the anger and despair that resulted from having been physically removed from the room and denied the right to sit with him as the last minutes of his life ticked away. She could not help the fresh tears that sprang to her eyes at the revelation that he was still alive, just as she couldn't help the sobs that escaped her throat.

He was still lying on his back, but just as Dr. Chakwas said, the breathing tubes had been removed and the machines disconnected, now sitting silent and black against the wall. As she closed the distance between them he slowly lifted his hand to her. She clasped it firmly in both of hers and brought it up to her heart. For a long time all she could do was stare down at him, her vision made hazy by the tears that still clouded her eyes. His own eyes darted over her face, eyes that she had once feared she'd never get the chance to gaze into again.

"I thought I'd never see you again," he said finally, the flanging made more prominent by the hoarseness in his voice. All the humor that had been there only moments before was gone.

"I'm here," she whispered, "and I'm never leaving your side again."

"Good to hear." He had uttered that particular phrase not so long ago and he tried to smile at her decision to use it now, but even that small movement caused him to wince and groan in pain. Still, that didn't stop him from pulling his hand out of her grip and brushing one of his talons across the crest of her bruised cheek. "So are you going to tell me who did this to you?"

She caught hold of his hand and moved it away from her face. "Garrus, we don't have to do this now. There will be plenty of time to talk about it later. Right now you should just rest."

His eyes narrowed as he studied her. He raised his head slightly to catch her eyes, which were suddenly focused on the ground. "Nikole, what aren't you telling me?"

She took a deep breath and buried her fingers in the tangles of hair. After all he'd been through, did he really want the details? "There was a bomb," she said finally. "The Blood Pack rigged the building you were in…and…well, it went off."

He struggled to shift his weight to his elbow. The pain must have been torture, for even though he carefully tried to hide the discomfort, she could see it play across his eyes. Still he was determined, and she knew that no amount of nagging would get him to lie back down until he was good and ready. Once again he riveted his eyes on her face, now dark blue with intensity as he took in her injuries, lingering on the bruising and the long gash that disappeared into her hair. God, she thought, she must be a sight to see.

Propped up on his elbow his face was almost level with hers and as the realization dawned on him she watched the ridge of his brow crease into a frown. "You were in there too, weren't you?" he said. It came out as more of a statement than a question.

She nodded.

"Damn it Shepard, what the hell were you thinking? I told you not to come for me!"

"What was I thinking? Fuck Garrus, are you really gonna ask me that now?"

"How could you be so foolish?" he growled. "Why–"

"Why? Because I love you goddamit! That's why! I couldn't just leave you there to die!" she yelled, her anger dwindling into a sob as she pleaded, "Now, will you just let me hold you and be thankful you're alive?"

Ignoring the raging pain that coursed through his body he threw his arm around her neck and hauled her to him in a fierce embrace. "Okay," he whispered in her ear. She relaxed and melted into him as she wrapped her arms around his torso, taking care not to put to much pressure and his healing ribs and clavicle. She felt a slight pressure as he smoothed his hand over her hair. "Okay. I just don't like to see you hurt. And you look like you really took a beating."

She laughed through her tears and stood back to look at him with a smile. "If you think I look bad, you should look in a mirror."

He laughed and then immediately groaned. "Unnnhhhh, I'll take your word for it."

"You really should get some rest," she scolded softly.

She helped him into a more comfortable position. She could see the fatigue settle over him as soon as his head touched the small pillow. She waited until his eyes fluttered closed and then turned to tiptoe out of the med bay. He reached and caught hold of her hand just as she was about to walk away.

"Stay with me?" he asked groggily.

Squeezing his hand reassuringly she pulled the chair she had been sitting in earlier up to the exam table and sat down.

"Always," she smiled.

XXX

Sometime during the night Shepard woke up to someone gently shaking her and she looked up sleepily to see Dr. Chakwas standing before her in her nightclothes. After checking on Garrus to make sure he was still doing all right, she agreed to head up to her cabin, trusting that the good doctor would keep an eye on him while she slept.

Once she was through the door she trudged down the steps and crawled into her soft bed, not even bothering to strip out of her uniform. She was out before her head even hit the pillow.

She woke up a while later, though it was hard to keep track of exactly how much later since the scene around her never changed. Day or night, it was always the same dismal gray walls, the same shine from the fluorescent lighting that lined the ceiling and the edges of the floor. One thing was certain though; she felt more refreshed than she had in a long time. The heavy feeling that seemed to have found a permanent spot on her neck and shoulders was gone.

She inhaled deeply through her nose and let the breath out slowly through her mouth, relishing in the feeling of contentment before rubbing her hands over her face to chase away the last vestiges of sleep. The bed was comfortable and the sheets were warm as she stretched her limbs to get the blood flowing. Even the soreness of her stiff muscles seemed to have diminished. What was more; her mood had improved significantly, bordering almost on optimistic. And Garrus was alive and waiting for her in the med bay. Everything was perfect.

Well, as perfect as it could get while preparing for battle with the reapers and hunting down the Illusive Man, anyway.

With the threat of Garrus's imminent death removed, Shepard finally allowed herself to relax and take things a bit more leisurely than she had in a long time. She indulged herself by taking a long shower, enjoying the seemingly limitless supply of hot water. After she was done she took the time to dry her hair and comb it out so that it curled slightly at the ends, and even applied a bit of makeup. It wasn't enough to make the deep bruising on her face completely disappear, but it did make them so they weren't so prominent and did wonders for making her feel human again. Finally, she slipped into her black tailored uniform and pulled on her boots, intentionally ignoring the fact that they could use a good shining. There would be plenty of time for that later.

Garrus was sitting upright on the exam table when Shepard entered the med bay.

"Look at you!" she exclaimed, coming to stand next to him. "I didn't sleep a week away, did I? How long was I out?" He had made significant progress in just a few short hours.

Dr. Chakwas set down the datapad she had been studying and came to join them. "You've been asleep almost thirteen hours. And," she interjected before Shepard could say anything, "I see it's done you some good. You look like you feel much better."

"I do," she conceded. "You were right. I was exhausted." The doctor's eyes lit up as a smug smile settled over her face. "Oh don't look at me like that! I would have gone up for some sleep eventually."

"Mmhmm," Dr. Chakwas replied with an exaggerated eye roll. "I'll resist the urge to say 'I told you so'."

"You do that," Shepard muttered, although she tried to suppress a grin at the good-natured ribbing.

Dr. Chakwas picked up the datapad again and resumed her reading, moving closer to the door seemingly to give the couple more privacy, although Shepard knew that her keen ears would be listening in on their conversation anyway.

"How are you feeling?" she asked Garrus lowly once they were alone.

"Like I've been run over by the Mako," he replied.

"Garrus honey, I think in your case it ran over you and then backed up!" she cackled. She was pleased to see his eyes light up at her playful banter.

His spirited expression faded as he once again grew somber. "Dr. Chakwas told me what you did."

"When?"

"Shepard…" his voice took on a reprimanding tone, "you know what I mean."

She folded her arms over her chest defensively, expecting further rebuke. She had purposefully avoided the conversation last night because he had gotten so heated just knowing that she was in the building, she couldn't imagine how he would have taken the news that she'd actually sustained the brunt of the impact. In a way she was sort of glad that Dr. Chakwas had been the one to inform him of that little detail.

Still…

"Do you remember that conversation we had about the 'ultimate sacrifice'?" she asked him. He stared at her, waiting patiently for her to continue – to give him a good reason for doing what she did, she assumed. "When I finally found you, there wasn't much time left before the bomb went off. I made the decision in those last few seconds that since we were both screwed that I might as well try to…try to…hell Garrus, I didn't even know if you _were_ alive at that point, but I figured if there was even the slightest chance that you were, I had to do everything in my power to keep it that way."

"Thank you. For everything."

Shepard opened her mouth, ready to protest further and then stopped. He slipped his hand into hers and pulled her close to him so he could place a quick kiss on her cheek. She blushed furiously and flicked her eyes to Dr. Chakwas, who was pretending not to notice.

"There's something else I need to tell you, but not here," she said, turning her attention back to him. "Do you think you can manage a trip up to my cabin?"

"I strongly advise that Officer Vakarian stay in the med bay. I highly doubt he'll get any rest up there with you," Dr. Chakwas retorted without looking up from the datapad.

Hah! She knew she was listening!

"It's not like that!" she claimed. Once again she could feel the heat rise to her cheeks. In the background she could hear Garrus chuckle. "I just thought it might be more comfortable and–"

"No problem Shepard. I can make it."

Garrus's hand fell on her shoulder, sufficiently stopping her rant. She turned and gave the doctor a self-satisfied look. She helped him slide off the table and inserted herself underneath his arm to offer support. The progress was slow and more than once he sucked in his breath in an attempt to mask his grunts of discomfort, but they made it to the door.

They were almost through it when Dr. Chakwas called out to her. "Shepard, go easy on him. I've spent too much time patching him up for you to go and break him," she said with a snicker.

Now she was just toying with her. And Garrus wasn't helping, no matter how hard he tried to hide his smile from her.

"Don't worry Doc," Garrus said with a wink, "I won't let her be too rough on me."

"Both of you just shut up," she mumbled, which only made the two of them laugh even harder.

Shepard managed to get Garrus to the elevator before anyone else could see them and make a comment, no small miracle considering how slow she had to move so as not to jostle him too hard. The steps in her cabin proved to be the most difficult and by the time she situated him on the bed they were both panting from exhaustion.

"That was mean, you know," she said. Absently she tucked one side of her hair behind her ear and the folded her arms. "Now you have her thinking I'm up here ravaging you instead of letting you rest. Thanks a lot."

"Trust me, if I could move I'd be doing just that."

Her stomach fluttered at the mere thought of the last time they were together. God, she'd missed him. It was still hard to believe that he was right in front of her, staring up at her with the same cockiness and playful humor that she had come to love so much.

She pivoted on her heel and without saying a word walked across the expanse between the bed and the couches and grabbed his eyepiece from the table. He studied her with interest as she held out her hand so that he could pluck it out of her fingers.

"Where did you get this?"

"From the Illusive Man," she said and sat with a heavy sigh on the couch so that she could look at him directly.

Garrus looked from her to the eyepiece and slowly turned it over in his fingers, noting that it still had spot of his blood on it.

"It was a present," she continued. "He made a big goddamned show of catching me off guard. Which it did, I might add. By the time I opened it, you were long gone. I should have never let you go without me. Maybe if I had been there I could have done something to stop them."

"There was nothing you could've done. The minute I realized it was all a trap it was too late. I heard a shot ring out and then that was it. I don't remember anything else."

Shepard pulled her knees up to her chest and looked at the floor. "It was an ambush. They killed Denny, and would have succeeded in killing Zaeed too if that bastard wasn't so indestructible."

"No one would tell me the reason I was being held captive," he said after a minute. "They just seemed hell bent on making me suffer."

"I don't know how to tell you this Garrus, but that was the whole point. They hurt you to get to me" She sucked in her breath, gathering the courage to stay the next part. "And I'm afraid that it's all my fault."

"You? What makes you say that?"

Suddenly looking at him was unbearable. His brow was creased in confusion as his eyes bored innocently yet intently into her. This confession wasn't going to be easy. She got to her feet and paced over to the aquarium. The soft blue light washed over her as she brought her forehead to the glass. It was cool on her face and she could feel the slight vibration from the filter as it hummed somewhere hidden behind the wall. Slowly she brought her hand up next to her face and placed it on the glass as well as she spoke.

"Because I underestimated the Illusive Man," she eventually said in a small voice. "He threatened to hurt those I love and I called his bluff. I didn't think he would actually follow through with it. You may hate me for causing you all this unnecessary pain, but you needed to know."

"This have to do with him getting his ass in a knot back at the collector home world?"

She nodded.

"And I'm assuming you told him to go to hell? You always did have a delicate way with words."

Keeping her forehead pressed to the glass she twisted her body so that she could look back at him. "Yeah." What was he getting at?

"Then I'd say you were just doing your job. You aren't the type to just lie down and let people walk all over you."

"That may be true, but you still didn't deserve what they did to you." She flipped around and pressed her back against the glass and wrapped her arms around herself sullenly.

"Nikole, come here." While his voice still managed to sound affectionate, there was an unmistakable note of command in it as well. Reluctantly she pushed away from the aquarium and came to stand before him. Still not satisfied he clasped her hand and directed her to sit on the edge of the bed. "I know you feel terrible about what happened," he said, pausing to sweep her hair away from the cut on her forehead, "but it's behind us now. I'm here, you're here, and we've got bigger issues to deal with than trying to lay blame to the whole situation. You have the fate of the galaxy to worry about."

Unexpectedly, her bloodshot eyes welled up with unshed tears. He leaned forward and tenderly placed his hands on her upper arms. "Garrus, I was so scared," she whispered. "I thought I lost you. And suddenly, nothing else mattered. Not the reapers, not the Normandy, the Council, nothing! I sat up here and I cried and hated myself for what I'd done. And then that video – oh God!" His arms were strong around her upper body then, holding her tightly, protectively, to his chest. She never wanted to leave them. "That was it. I knew I had to find you and the crew agreed to help me. I even put a gun to Harkin's head."

The hand that had been smoothing her hair stilled. "You did what? Shit, I almost feel sorry for the guy. What else did I miss?"

Shepard pulled back and shook her head. "Cerberus had their own intentions all along, and I played into their plan like a dimwitted fool. Once I made it clear that I wouldn't give the Illusive Man the technology that he wanted and refused to work with him, he enlisted the help of the Shadow Broker and orchestrated your abduction and subsequent torture."

Garrus's eyes widened.

"That's not even the half of it," she continued. "Liara and I were able to uncover the location of the Shadow Broker and after an attempt on her life by yet _another_ rogue spectre, we managed to infiltrate his ship and take him out. The best part is that Liara is now the new Shadow Broker and is using his resources to help us with the upcoming war with the reapers." She paused to catch her breath. "And that information is how I finally found you. You know the rest."

He was speechless. A strangled noise emanated from somewhere deep within in throat but in the end all he could do was stare at her. "They just haven't learned not to piss you off, have they?" he said finally, which immediately made her laugh.

"I love you Garrus," she declared.

He brought his forehead down and gently touched it to hers.

"I love you more."

XXX

"We're approaching the citadel Commander."

"Copy that, Joker," Shepard said.

The heavy sound of her boots echoed loudly on the floor as she walked purposefully across the CIC on her way to the comm room where she had told the crew to assemble only minutes earlier. It had been roughly about two weeks since Garrus had regained consciousness and as soon as she was certain they were both healed enough she had directed the pilot to the citadel for a much needed overhaul. When she opened the door ten pairs of eyes looked up at her expectantly, eagerly awaiting her orders.

Shepard tapped her datapad, making a few last minute adjustments before she set it down on the table in front of her.

"When we dock at the citadel," she began, "I want everybody to break up into groups. Samara, you're in charge of overseeing the work on the fourth deck; Miranda, the third; and Kelly the second. Garrus, I want you to supervise everyone's progress while I talk to the council."

He nodded and stood a little straighter. The rest of the crew listened intently, but Shepard could see the confusion in all of their faces.

"Anything with a Cerberus brand or logo is to be removed immediately," she continued in an authoritative tone, "no matter how insignificant it may seem."

It would not be an easy task expunging the sinister company from the Normandy. The offending logo was on just about everything from the walls, their uniforms and armor, painted on the exterior of the ship's hull, right down to the plates in the mess hall.

"Tali, you'll take Engineer Daniels with you to the markets to buy any necessary replacements that the crew will need." She picked up the datapad again and scrolled down to the bottom. "Jack should have sent you the information on everybody's size. Mess Sergeant Gardner, you're responsible for your own area. While you're out, why don't you pick up some high quality provisions? Spare no expense. The crew deserves a good meal after a hard day's work." She then turned her attention to Jacob. "Jacob, you and Grunt are in charge of paint. What cannot be torn out or removed will be covered up. I'm forwarding the color details to your omni-tool now."

"Anything else, Commander?" Miranda asked in her heavily accented voice.

Shepard took a deep breath and gazed at the individuals around the room. "Yes. I wanted to thank you all for all that you've done, on the mission to defeat the collectors, on helping me find and rescue Garrus, and for just being part of my crew. Thank you."

"Let's kick this redesign into high gear!" Jacob whooped and the crew joined him in rallying approval.

Having received all their assignments the crew dispersed, leaving Shepard alone in the debriefing room.

"Yes," she said softly and smiled, "let's."

XXX

"We find this information to be most fascinating Commander Shepard," the asari council member said a short while later.

She was once again standing in Captain Anderson's office, but unlike last time she now felt more confident in her opinions of Cerberus.

"So you're telling us that the reapers used their technology to transform the protheans into collectors and were using them to do the leg work in abducting human colonies?" the salarian asked. His tone was noncommittal though and Shepard couldn't tell if he was impressed or just mocking her.

"That's right." She could be noncommittal as well.

"Incredible," the turian mumbled to himself, to which Shepard raised an eyebrow. Were they finally going to believe that the reaper threat was indeed real? She certainly hoped so. "And when Cerberus demanded that same reaper technology and you refused to give it to them, they turned on you?"

"Yes." She shifted her feet nervously and looked at Captain Anderson before she continued. "And to get even with me they kidnapped and tortured a member of my crew."

The asari straightened. "Though we knew that working with Cerberus was a bad idea to begin with," it seemed to Shepard that she just couldn't resist the extra jab, "your sound judgment and upstanding motivations have always been a constant Commander Shepard."

"Does this mean you'll help me? The reapers _are_ coming and I can't do it alone."

"We will do what we can, but council law dictates to us how involved we are allowed to become," she said.

"Maybe the law should be rewritten," Shepard said flatly. "The only way life as we know it stands a chance is to unite all the races together to fight one cause."

"An admirable goal Commander." She actually smiled. Shepard was shocked. "We'll talk more later."

The three holographic figures flickered and disappeared, signaling the end of the conversation. But what had transpired actually left Shepard feeling somewhat optimistic about the unknown future. She nodded at Captain Anderson and as she left his office she couldn't help the large smile of satisfaction from spreading across her lips.

"That good huh?" Garrus said as Shepard joined him and Joker at the loading dock.

The two men stood by the railing that overlooked the Normandy. Since the painting of the exterior was still in process, a giant brown sheet had been hung up around it to control the overspray and effectively blocked the ship from their view. Shepard stepped up between them and placed her elbows on the railing.

"Call me crazy, but I actually think the council is on our side this time," she said.

"Never thought I'd see that happen." Garrus shook his head.

"Commander look!" Joker yelled and pointed to the Normandy.

At that moment the sheet was released and billowed gracefully to the ground below, revealing the Normandy in all it's sparkling clean – Cerberus free – glory. The color scheme of the SR-2 had really appealed to her, so when it came time for the redesign she had decided to keep the sliver-gray hull with the black accents. The eyesore of a logo had been completely removed, as were any traces of the iconic yellow, replaced instead by a mixture of red and orange. And in place of the old serial number, the new upgraded Normandy bore a new one. In the grand tradition of its predecessors, SR-3 was painted in white along the sides.

"Can it get any better than this?" Garrus asked her. With Joker so caught up in the new Normandy, he could pull her back against his chest without the pilot noticing. Not that Shepard cared anymore.

"I don't know," she replied, letting her head fall back against his hard blue armor. "We've taken back the Normandy, succeeded in gaining the council's support, and we're going up against impossible odds once more for the good of the galaxy."

"Yup," he said, tightening his embrace. "Just like old times."

_~.~.~_

_Encumbered forever by desire and ambition,_

_There's a hunger still unsatisfied, _

_Our weary eyes still stray to the horizon,_

_Though down this road we've been so many times – High Hopes, Pink Floyd_

* * *

**A/N: **That's it! Now that it's over, I'm interested in hearing what your favorite part of the story was. Thanks to everyone again! ~Jamie


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